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I read some blogs where the guys who write them hook up often. When they are not hooking up, they are looking for a hook up. While I have to admit, this sounds kind of exciting. There is a aspect of freedom in going out an fucking anyone who is around that is appealing. The thing is... I don't really want freedom.
What I want is decidedly more boring.
This past week was a nightmare at work. To make it even worse, AJ was traveling on business so K need me to help her with the kid more often. She is in school and Tuesday and Wednesday this week she needed me at her house by 5:30 am, so she could go to school. I needed to get the kids off to school and then I could go home to work? I was exhausted. Wednesday was particularly bad day at work. So bad, in fact, I needed to bring a pile of work home.
T was supposed to come and stay the night. I really needed to see him, but I simply had to have this work done before my bosses in London got in the office the next morning. I let him know a lot to do and I would not be able to pay as much attention to him as usual. He chose to come anyway, which made me very happy.
When he arrived, I decided I needed to get out of the house, so we went out to eat at a really good fish place in town. They have a really nice lobster bisque T really likes. After a nice dinner we went back to my house.
The room that used to be my daughter's bedroom is now an office and testing lab for me. There is a long table there where I work most days. We each had a computer and I set them up side by at the table. I worked on my stuff and he worked on his.
T is thinking about buying and renovating a property to expand his business. He wanted to sketch out some plans for the building. As someone who is intentionally computer illiterate he had not used Google Earth before. So I showed him and he got a great satellite view of the building he wants to buy with the surrounding property. I showed him how to use it to take measurements. We counted parking spaces, and did a rough estimate of the property boundaries.
At the same time, I was working on my work. I had to pull some data for a report, write several emails, and do some troubleshooting with some hardware that was acting strangely.
I took time to help him when he needed it. He took an interest in what I was doing. He explained his plan and asked my opinion on several things. We looked up zoning regulations and figured how many parking spaces he needed with the extra square footage he was going to add.
I know this all sounds terribly boring, but the truth is, I was happy at that moment. When I envision my life with T, it's things like this I think about. Things like this I want. Being together in an office in our home, even if we are working separately, we are still together.
My work took longer than it would have if I was there alone, but I didn't care. We were together.
When we finished, we walked across the hall, climbed into bed, snuggled into each others arms and drifted off to sleep.
I slept better that night than I had in a long time.
I am a person who does not really like the term "race". I suppose, technically, I am in an interracial relationship, but I don't think about it that way. When I think about the main differences between T and I, they are really more about difference in background, experiences and culture. (I guess that's race??) But it's not so much about the way we look, but what we have experienced.
Of course I love the way he looks. I love his smaller frame (compared to me), his round face, and his thick jet black hair. I love the shape of his eyes, and don't get me started on shape of his ass... Yes, I think Asian men in general are attractive and of course T in particular. I guess at this point, I am so used to it, it does not really occur to me any more. He is not my Asian partner. He is just my partner.
As much as I bitch about how I want some things to be different, I really like that he and I come from different backgrounds. I like that, even after almost 5 years, there is still a lot of us to discover about each other. I like that when I eat dinner at his house, there is often something new to try. Even if it is something I have had before, it's something I only get at his house. That makes it special and I like that.
I have heard about something called the "Asian Inferiority Complex". There are a could of blogs I follow written by Asian guys and they have talked about it as well. But I am not sure it actually exists. If there is such an affliction, T does not have it. He knows how great he is. He is not arrogant, or stuck up. He has a quiet confidence that I honestly find irresistible.
While I joke with him sometimes that he is lucky to have a white boyfriend like me. But we both know the truth is the other way around. I am lucky he fell in love with me.
When T and I get together we rarely have a plan in advance. Usually we know if we are going out for dinner, or eating at his house, but beyond that, it's pretty up in the air.
This is where the problem starts.
I will pick him up at his office and then ask him where he wants to go for dinner. I figure he's had a hard day and we can go somewhere he likes. His answer is always the same.
"What ever you like." he says.
"Well, OK. What are you in the mood for?" I ask, probing for information.
"Anything." is always the reply.
And it goes the same way every time. He leaves it to me to pick providing me with almost no guidance about what he would like. And then if that's not bad enough, once we settle on a spot, he usually jumps in front of me to pay the bill.
Can you believe that? He let's me go anywhere I want AND then insists on paying for it.
It's so annoying.
Things in T's business are shaping up so that he might be able to take a vacation this year. Not a long one, like for a week, but a short one. Maybe just a long weekend.
When we can take a whole week, I would like to take him to my mom's camp in the woods of Maine. I have written about it a few times in the past. It is in the middle of nowhere and one of my favorite places in the world. I would just be so wonderful to share that place with him.
As a place I used to go as a child, and where a lot of my family still live, this would be a chance for me to connect him to my family on a deeper level. When I say family, I mean my family pre-K. The people and places that are connected to the family when I was growing up.
Plus it's peaceful there. There are not a lot of people, though more than when I would go there as a kid. There is a good sized lake. It is too shallow for motor boats, so it's very quiet, except for the occasional loon. A kayak or canoe is just the thing to get around with. At night, I sometimes will take the canoe out to the middle of the lake. It is so dark at night, you can see so many stars it's just amazing. To make it even better, the week in August I like to go is about the time of the annual Perseid meteor shower. Always a stunning show.
There is a fire pit that my father and I built. We use the fire to cook the evening meal and then, we sit around it. The kids run around in the dark with their flashlights, and the adults relax by the fire. My mom, my dad, when he was alive, my sister and her husband, and even me and K in years past. Now there is T. This time it will be him at my side. Holding my hand as we gaze into the fire.
I very much want to share these experience with him. I want for us to have them together. Something that we will always be able to hang on to.
Something else that will connect us together.
I was at T's house the other night. We were laying on his bed after dinner. He was propped up with pillows behind his back and I was laying on his chest. The TV was on, but I think we were both in that foggy in-between-wake-and-sleep state.
At the top of the hour and episode of House Hunters came on. (Click here if you are unfamiliar with the show.) In most of the episodes the house hunter is a married couple. Occasionally a single person and once in a while, a gay couple. Last night it was a 2 guys moving from New York City to Los Angeles. This caught our interest for 2 reasons. First it featured a gay couple and I always like that. Secondly, T went to high school and did his college undergrad in the Los Angeles area so he is familiar with the places they were talking about.
It not take me too long to see that one of these guys was a lot like "Jack" from Will and Grace. There is nothing wrong with guys like that, but it is not attractive to me. I am attracted to more masculine men. T's also has a preference for more masculine men. At one point in the show we both looked at each other and said the same thing at the same time. We had been thinking the same thing.
I am not going to share exactly what that was, but what is important is we formed one of those connection points I have talked about before. The more connection points you have, the stronger the relationship.
I believe strongly that any time you have an interaction with a child you are teaching. I don't just mean as a parent. I mean anyone. Children learn from everyone they come in contact with, including fictional people on TV. The trick is to guide them so they take away the right things from those interactions.
I am no Dr. Spock, but I am a pretty good dad. I am as in tune with my children as I can be. Even when it appears otherwise, I am closely watching things that happen around them and their reactions to those things. When necessary, I interject my thought, advice, or guidance to those experiences so they have the right take away.
I am as frank as possible with my children. I do not tell my daughter the injection the doctor will give her "won't hurt a bit." I tell her it will probably sting a little, but it will be over quickly and it will keep her from getting sick. I have told my son that even though he wants to join the high school baseball team, they will not take him. He is bad at baseball, does not practice (and shows no interest), and the other kids he will try out against have been playing for years. He likes the social idea of being a team, so I try to re-direct him into something he could be good at. (He could be very good at track, if he would train a little.)
I do not intercede every time there is an argument between siblings. Many times, it is best to let them work it out for themselves. The trick is to know when to let them squabble and when to step in.
I teach them to stand up for those who can stand up for themselves. Both my oldest (16) and youngest (10) sons have had experiences where they stepped in when another kid was being a bully.
I teach them that you can't fight every battle. You have to pick and choose when the fight will have the most benefit. I teach them that being even tempered and calm, even when others are not, can bring you long term benefits. I teach them that some relationships are important. Sometimes it's better to accept something you don't like for the sake of the relationship. I teach them how to tell the difference between the important relationships and the unimportant ones.
I am not sure I get everything right, but I am confidant that, on balance, they are getting the right lessons from me.
When I was married I was careful about how often I was able to go see T. I didn't want to upset K and make things difficult when I got home. I am trying to be considerate of her feelings because I am a swell guy. Well... if I am completely honest, when K is all cranky she is really miserable to be around. So for my own sanity and for the benefit of the kids, I did my best to keep things calm.
Even now, I try to accommodate what she needs. It makes it easier for her. Which in turn is easier for the kids and easier for me. Often when she does something to piss me off, I say nothing. Even when I know I am right and I have the better argument, I say nothing. After almost 20 years, I have learned it's often easier to just let it go.
T thinks I need to stand up for myself more. There is one thing is particular thing she does that bugs him. Let's say that I am supposed to meet T after work on a Saturday. I end up going to the K's house to hang with the kids. She will go out to something with the plan that when she returns I will leave to go see T. Sounds reasonable, right?
The problem is, often she is late. Sometimes an hour or more late. As a result I am late. T is generally understanding, but it bugs him. If I am supposed to have dinner with his family, it bothers me to be late for that.
The last time it happened, T told me that I need to be firm with her. I need to confront her about her inconsiderate behavior. I told him that I could, but I didn't think there would be a good outcome. He said it needed to be done.
It's true that I have often been a doormat for K. I do it a lot less not, but, like I say, sometimes it's just easier. Intellectually I know this is TOTALLY dysfunctional, but I don't think there is much I can do about it.
T has some of the same issues... just with his mother.
I am not entirely sure he sees it that way, but if I step back and look at things objectively, he has many of the same dysfunctions.
Without going into a lot of detail there was something that he agreed to do with me, and after getting some crap from his mother, he altered our arrangement. I was not happy about but it was clear that I had no choice but to go along with it.
I know he is under a lot of stress. Most of the a stress is work related, which as we all know can bleed over into other parts of our lives. For him it is easier to just do what his mother wants, than deal with the fall out. Fall out that will not only add to his stress, it will impact everyone else who lives in the house. His stress level is to a point where I actually worry about his health, so the last thing he needs is more shit from his mother.
Much like he tells me that I need to stand up for myself, I tell him that he needs to as well. At his age, he can respect his mother and make his own decisions at the same time. If she disagrees with his decisions that's fine, but she needs to respect him as well. If she can, or chooses not to, it really is her problem, not his. It's not like he's a teenager, right?
Yes, it is dysfunctional. Is it more dysfunctional that my situation? I think it is, but just a little more. The only thing that makes me slightly less dysfunctional is my situation involves small children. While I should stand up for myself more, I also have a responsibility to protect my children. Going along with K, while inconvenient for me (and sometimes for T) keeps the stress level lower of everyone else, including my kids. In T's house, there are no kids. They are all adults, that if they were not so overworked all the time, should be able to handle the stress of a disapproving mother.
The point of this is not to beat up on T or his mother. The point is simply to show that, boiled down to their core, T and I both have same type relationship dysfunctions. We also both give each other the same advice on how to deal with our respective dysfunctions. Yet these dysfunctions persist and they get in the way of us really being together. They prevent us from being partners in our lives the way we are in our hearts.
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