Saturday, February 23, 2013

Too Isolated

T and I had an argument a couple of weeks ago.  It was not a big deal, in fact, I cannot even remember exactly what it was about.    While talking on the phone, I said something he didn't like and got upset.  I didn't like that he got upset by what I said and then I got upset.  Rather than argue on the phone, we ended the conversation.

I was still fuming.

I was home alone.

I was frustrated and I wanted to talk to someone about it.  The problem is, I had no one to talk to about it.  This made me more upset.

I doubt he did, but if T had wanted to he could walked to his sisters room and said, "You will never guess what Jim said to me.  Can you believe it?"  T has a support system.  He has a large family he can rely on.  The family members he is closest to, are right there in the house with him.

It is not in his nature to discuss our relationship with his family, but that's not the point.  He could if he wanted to.  Just having someone available to talk to is comforting, even if you don't take advantage of it.

So there I was, home alone and fuming.  I was getting more and more upset with T, but then I realized it was not his fault that I do not have a strong support network.  I was really upset with myself and jealous of him.  (There was also a part of me thinking that if we lived together and we had had this little spat in person, we would have worked through it and neither one of us would have been upset, but this post is not about that.)

The bottom line?  I am too isolated.  I am an introverted person who likes to be around people, and spends way too much time alone.  I don't have friends I can lean on if I need to and I don't have friends that might need to lean on me.

I need to fix this.  As I get older it is not going to get any easier to meet new people and make friends.  It's not easy now.  I spend a lot of time at K's house with the kids.  When I get some free time, I like to spend it with T.  When the hell am I going to have time to cultivate friendships?

But I need to do it.  Before long, my kids will be grown up and they will not need me around as much.  When the little ones become teens, they will prefer to hang out with their friends than their old man.  What will I be doing then?  Who will I hang out with?  

Even if T and I were living together, (which is still a long way off, if ever) I would still want more people to interact with than just him.  I guess I could count K, but that is not enough either.  I see myself having friends over for dinner.  Or barbecuing in the backyard.  Having a friend (and his partner) over to drink a beer and smoke a cigar on the back porch.  Getting a call when someone needs a ride to the airport or to take their car to the shop.  Friends I can talk to when I get upset or will talk to me when they are upset.  Friends I can ask advice from, or offer advice to.  

There has to be people looking to make connections to others people.  I really don't care if they are old or young, gay or straight (but gay friendly), kids or no kids, married, partnered or single, and race, just someone nice looking to meet other people.  

Where are they?

How can I find them?

I am tired of being isolated.


Anonymous said...

Here are some ideas: attend open and affirming churches and synagogues, start a group on, volunteer with some organizations working for civil rights, join a gay softball team. I know how you feel because I'm in the same boat about 600 miles to your north. Make an effort.

T said...

Have friends because they are friends not because you are dependent on having friends.

My sisters and I have been through a lot together. We spent our whole life together to get to this point. You don't have that. However, you have your kids. You have been building a sacred friendship with them. Then, you will have grandkids. I don't have that. And I won't have that. Does this mean it's bad for me and good for you, or vice versa? No. It's good for both of us. We have loved ones who will be there for us.

Plus, we have each other.

We should be happy and make the best of what we have. Only we can make ourselves happy.


You are an introvert, and you have an extrovert as a boyfriend.

You are a ....., and I am a .....

You are......; I am ......

You are......; I am ......

You are......; I am ......

We are both.......!

And you DO have friends that you can talk to. Don't forget about the old friends while wishing for new ones.

I love you. And the next time we meet, I will .......... you!

Anonymous said...

Why didn't you go talk to K and AJ about it?

T said...

Clarification: I am a part-time extrovert.

T said...

Has anyone ever witnessed two Chinese people talk when they are excited? I was like that. I was not upset. Jim misunderstood me...cultural differences. Cultural differences make Jim and me like two rainbows, one American rainbow and one Asian rainbow. We are two gay rainbows.

Anonymous said...

Jim & T, Please talk to each other directly. You love each other and can figure it out together face-to-face.

T, let Jim expand his circle of friends as he needs to do. You are still at the center of his life with his children. Jim needs friends. Let him have them. They will never replace the love that he has for you. They will help him understand himself.

T said...
This comment has been removed by the author.