I spent spent most of the day yesterday at K's house. AJ has been away on a business trip and was scheduled to return yesterday. The kids have been out of school all week and K has had a bunch of running around to do. Rather than sit home alone, I elected to come hang out at her house with the kids. I think the kids like it and I know I like being there with them.
While she was out, she updated her Facebook status to reflect AJ's impending return.
K is really glad that later today her family will all be under one roof again!
I knew what she meant, but I could not help feeling badly. For 20 years I was her family, but not anymore. I understand why she feels like that. Then in a moment of foolishness I engaged in some texting with her.
Me: Am I sleeping over tonight
K: Ummm..... No, I don't think so
Me: Oh right. I'm not family anymore. Carry on.
Before you say it, I know. It was a cheap shot. As Christmas approaches, I am noticing that I am feeling more and more lonely and depressed. I think I lashed out at K to make myself feel better, but it didn't help. It just made me feel worse.
So what is my problem?
I know this is irrational, but I feel like I am all alone this season. When I am at K's house, I know I am at K's house. I feel like a visitor there. I like being there with my kids, but it's not the same as being HOME with my kids. I have a boyfriend whom I am deeply in love with, but we are not together very much. When I am at his house, I know that it is his house and I am visiting. (Not because of anything he does.) As much as I love being there with him, is it not the same as being HOME with my partner.
When I am home, I am alone. When I think about being alone... I struggle with it. I know I will be for a long time.
Add this to the stress and concerns about being out of work and starting school without a clear vision of how I will support myself. While I put on a happy face as much as I can, especially around the kids, it is gnawing at me all the time. And what's more, I know it will be years before I can fix it permanently.
2 hours ago