Friday, November 22, 2013

Hurt. Broken. Angry. Pathetic.

Last week I thought I was at the bottom.  I thought it was as bad as it could get.  I was wrong.

I have not slept in weeks.  I cannot concentrate on things.  I find I am distracted often.  When I am not focused on work or the immediate needs of the children, I am thinking of T. 

I picture him sitting around his dining room table with his family.  Thy tell discuss talk about the day they have each have had.  They laugh together at the funny stories.  

Today he and his sisters went a family friend.  This friend has a young daughter (less than one year old) and they are meeting her for the first time.  As I was flipping though Facebook today, there was T's smiling at the baby.  I did not expect to see him.  T does not use Facebook (he avoids technology stuff) but his sister does and I am friends with her.

I am empty inside.  I was to see T.  I want him to come and hold me.  I want him to tell me, this was all just a big mistake.  I want him to tell me that he loves me, and he never wants to be apart from me ever again, no mater what his mother or anyone else says.

I want desperately to call him tonight.  I want to tell him how much I love him.  Tell him how much he means to me.  But I am afraid, I will say something stupid or hurtful.

For all the love I feel, I also feel hurt on a level I have never felt before. And it's wake, a whole lot of anger.  In some ways, I feel like a wounded animal. I guess maybe I am.   I want to ask why, if he loves me as much as he says, would he put me though all this pain, just to keep his mother happy?  Why would he choose to destroy me just to keep the illusion of harmony in his house?   It's almost as if he never really understood the depth of my love for him and therefore did not expect the level of pain that I would endure when I was forced to walk away.

My head knows these are not fair questions, but my heart hurts so much, I know that my judgement is clouded. 

Others I have talked to tell me this will pass.  They are people who have has many short term relationships in their lives.  For them a long term relationship is measured in months.  That is not me.  For me they are measure in years.  I dedicate myself.  I focus on someone.  I plan a life around them.  In this case foolishly, because I was warned not to, but I did anyway.

As the days pass the pain in my heart gets worse not better.  I had hoped that sharp stabbing pain would have turned to a dull throbbing pain, but it has not.  The blade continues to twist.

I feel like a pathetic loser.

I should be able to walk away.  I should be able to say, "Fine.  If he doesn't want to be with me, I will find someone who does."  But I can't.

I just can't.


Anonymous said...

Jim, your feelings hurt this morning. You are not meant to be with T. You are correct that someday you will find someone who loves you and the person you are now will seem like someone else.

I know how painful it is to let go of love. (I'm the guy whose Chinese lover left him to please his parents in Hong Kong.)

I wish that I were there to spend the night on your couch and talk reason to you in the morning. You are going back and forth in the stages of grief. There's only one truth here, when you truly love someone you are willing to give up your faith, your home, your family, your fortune, your world, to live in his.

T is not in that place. There's another guy out there waiting to give you the love that you need. I know that it hurts. Move through the pain and keep moving until the pain is boring and your spirit tells you to move on.

Be patient and love yourself in the hurt. In the end, it will move you through this.

Anonymous said...

I still don't understand why you don't get custody of the kids, move near him, and figure out a plan.

I only say this because it's what I did

Catrina said...

As my Mom told me, love should NEVER cause pain. I was in a four-year relationship, and when it ended I was going through pretty much what you are. The hardest part was seeing him when I didn't expect it. I still remember the stabbing pain near my heart! But, Jim, it REALLY will get better. Just remember....if it hurts me, it's not good for me. Sending hugs!

RB said...

This is a deep wound and it will take time to heal. Maybe months more.

Break it off with T and his family. It's causing you too much pain.

Anonymous said...

This is easy for me to say because I'm not in the middle of the emotional storm. You cannot guilt T or force him to move off his position (which I am not sure anyone really even knows why). Ultimatums won't work and if he does give in temporarily with a glimmer of hope, it won't be lasting. That just breeds resentment. He has to want to be with you of his own choice and not because of outside influences from you or his parents or his sister. He is conflicted and cannot decide one way or another. So the status quo works best for him.

And because you two have broken up so many times over this, he subconsciously knows that you will eventually come back and accept temporarily the compromise until the next time you give him an ultimatum. He never has to confront the issues with his family, he just has to "manage" you in the short term.

You either have to let go or accept the compromise he offered you and be satisfied with that. It's not perfect for sure, but wouldn't you rather be 80% happy than 100% miserable? Just know that by accepting the compromise you won't be 100% happy.

tuls said...


Sunne said...

Jim, do yourself a favor. Cut all ties, unfriend his sister, don’t call him, don’t meet him. Be angry, be angry at him. Yes, he has told you he would never be able to have the relationship with you that you wished for. But he also took what you had to offer and continued, words and actions didn’t match and people change all the time. So of course you hoped and he knew it. You have talked about it often enough, didn’t you? So be angry, he knew you wished and hoped and he gave you hope by being with you.

You’re allowed to, he’s put your love second and of course that hurts, a lot. Now, everything that is helping you to get over it is okay, even asking if he really has loved you as much as you thought he did, if he really is the man you thought him to be, if you really want a partner who doesn’t put you first, etc.etc. I’m even saying, you are allowed to hate him at the moment, it’ll dull over time but now it would be a good thing, helping you to get better.
For now, go on, day after day, one step after another and stop all contact!!! Big hugs!

And T, in case you read this, don’t try to help Jim, don’t try to explain to him, don’t call him to try to make it better. It doesn’t work, no matter how good your intentions would be, no matter how much you are hurting. Maybe it would make you feel better, make you feel like you were trying to help him but honestly, there is only one thing you could do and since this obviously is never going to happen, stop it now.