Last week I thought I was at the bottom. I thought it was as bad as it could get. I was wrong.
I have not slept in weeks. I cannot concentrate on things. I find I am distracted often. When I am not focused on work or the immediate needs of the children, I am thinking of T.
I picture him sitting around his dining room table with his family. Thy tell discuss talk about the day they have each have had. They laugh together at the funny stories.
Today he and his sisters went a family friend. This friend has a young daughter (less than one year old) and they are meeting her for the first time. As I was flipping though Facebook today, there was T's smiling at the baby. I did not expect to see him. T does not use Facebook (he avoids technology stuff) but his sister does and I am friends with her.
I am empty inside. I was to see T. I want him to come and hold me. I want him to tell me, this was all just a big mistake. I want him to tell me that he loves me, and he never wants to be apart from me ever again, no mater what his mother or anyone else says.
I want desperately to call him tonight. I want to tell him how much I love him. Tell him how much he means to me. But I am afraid, I will say something stupid or hurtful.
For all the love I feel, I also feel hurt on a level I have never felt before. And it's wake, a whole lot of anger. In some ways, I feel like a wounded animal. I guess maybe I am. I want to ask why, if he loves me as much as he says, would he put me though all this pain, just to keep his mother happy? Why would he choose to destroy me just to keep the illusion of harmony in his house? It's almost as if he never really understood the depth of my love for him and therefore did not expect the level of pain that I would endure when I was forced to walk away.
My head knows these are not fair questions, but my heart hurts so much, I know that my judgement is clouded.
Others I have talked to tell me this will pass. They are people who have has many short term relationships in their lives. For them a long term relationship is measured in months. That is not me. For me they are measure in years. I dedicate myself. I focus on someone. I plan a life around them. In this case foolishly, because I was warned not to, but I did anyway.
As the days pass the pain in my heart gets worse not better. I had hoped that sharp stabbing pain would have turned to a dull throbbing pain, but it has not. The blade continues to twist.
I feel like a pathetic loser.
I should be able to walk away. I should be able to say, "Fine. If he doesn't want to be with me, I will find someone who does." But I can't.
I just can't.
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