Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Right Where He Wants To Be

After my last post, I have been thinking more.  T and I have gotten together once and we have talked on the phone at least twice.  We had a conversation the other day about a bird that changed my whole outlook.

It was a parrot, actually.

T is planning on opening another clinic location and he has been scouring Craigslist for people selling artwork cheaply so he can decorate the walls.  During one of these sessions he noticed someone selling a parrot, with a cage for a very cheap price.  He offered to buy it for me.  I thought that was sweet and I would love to have a parrot.  However, parrots need attention and since I am rarely home, I declined his offer.  It's the same reason I cannot have a dog.  I just am not home enough to take proper care of an animal.

The next day, he called me to chat.  During the conversation I learned he was on his was to get the parrot. He was getting it for his mother.


"It will make her happy." he replied.

I was speechless.  For her to treat him the way she does and then for him to reward her with gifts, was just stunning to me.  If my mother was overbearing and controlling,  I can see where I might go-with-the-flow, but I would sure as hell not be buying her random gifts.  Especially a gift that would be sure to outlive her.

I was angry.  I had to end that conversation line and move on to something else.  I was trying so hard to get him to see....

And then it hit me.  Maybe his mother was not abusive at all.  Maybe she was not really a manipulator at all.  

What if this is really where T wanted to be all along?  T told me on day one, he would never be able to live with me, or anyone else.  So, it's not like I was not warned.  But I think I had the reason all twisted around.

What if it has nothing to do with his lesbian sister who is too scared to some out?

What if it has nothing to do with his mother and her controlling ways?

What if it has nothing to do with the way Vietnamese people tend to gossip?

What if it has nothing to do at all with keeping peace and harmony in the family?

Maybe it's as simple as T is just happy there.  Maybe T has lived with his family for so long he is happy there and does not want to leave.  He does not really want to live with me at all.  

Yes, I know he loves me.  I know he likes to have me come over to snuggle on the couch sometimes.  He likes to have dinner out with me and sometimes we even see a movie.  But he is happiest and most comfortable with his family.

Maybe our life goals are not compatible, not because he is trapped in prison.  But because he is happy there in his paradise.

I was never the center of this world.  Never even got close.

Maybe I completely mis-read the situation. I assumed that, like me, he want to leave the relationship he had been forced into while he was in the closet.  I assumed he would want to come out, meet a man he liked, fall in love, and someday get married.  I assumed he wanted that, because that is what I wanted so, of course, everyone else wanted that too, right?

I think I was sooo wrong.  

I am going to stop talking about T's mother.  I am going to stop taking about how our relationship could come back or be more if only she would ________.  I am going to to stop encouraging him to push back on her.  Because the truth is, he probably likes his life right where he is.  He is comfortable there,  He is happy there.

T is happy there, so I guess that is good enough for me.  It has to be, right?

I mean, what choice do I have?



TwoLives said...

For what it's worth Jim, I think you've got it right.

I really hope you don't take T's lack of interest in change personally. As you said, and as he has said many times, he told you what his limits were when you met. His decision to live the way he does has nothing to do with you, despite how much he genuinely loves you.

RB said...

I also agree. If he really wanted to change, he would find a way to do it. He wants you and loves you, but his aversion to change overwhelms that.

Biki Honko said...

I think you have the right idea on why T refuses to buck the family and move on with his life. He has feathered his nest as he likes it, and has no plans to shake it up.

Live thru the grieving period, then tack on some extra time to make sure you are emotionally healed and then get out there and find you a husband!