Sunday, November 24, 2013

You're Not The Only One Who Cries.

At least his mom is happy.  


RB said...

Jim - For god sake stop. MOVE ON. Agonizing over this for weeks (or is is months now?) is not going to help anything.

Figure out your plan for moving forward and post about that.

Anonymous said...

Jim, I think that your real grief is better for you than what you were experiencing when you were with T. It is painful when the delusion of love dies, I know. You are beginning to realize the truth and it hurts. Go with it. Make this a time when you realize that you need gay friends your own age, just friends who know what you are going through and can support you. Reach out to gay groups. Being part of some kind of gay community will give you perspective and help you move through this time.

This is written because it seems to me that blogging alone is not helping you as much as sitting across from friends might.

Catrina said...

You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.

As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs.

You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.

Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the breakup on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion.

You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair ("I will never drink again if you just bring him back")

Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.

During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.

As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly.

As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him.

During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you may never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this loss. But you will find a way forward.

You will start to look forward and actually plan things for the future. Eventually, you will be able to think about your lost loved one without pain; sadness, yes, but the wrenching pain will be gone. You will once again anticipate some good times to come, and yes, even find joy again in the experience of living.

Jim, I wish you only the best!

Biki Honko said...

Jim, you might think quite strongly about finding a gay friendly therapist to help you over this mountain of grief and anger and despair. Blogging helps lance the wound, but you need some face to face time with someone that will listen and hopefully help you. In this instance friends and family members wont be of much help, you need to be honest and ugly with your emotions, something that most of us just self edit when talking with people we love.

Sunne said...

Jim? How are you doing? Hugs!