Yeah. I am pissed. I have been pissed for a long time now.
I get that I am lucky. I get that some people never find someone that really loves them. I have. Twice. First there was K. There there was T.
K is re-married has how found her happiness.
I was convinced that T was the one for me. I wanted him. He wanted me, or I thought that he did. But for whatever reason (choose any of the ones I have offered) that relationship I saw in my dreams slipped though my fingers.
I am pissed about it. I need to be angry at someone.
For most of the past few months my anger has alternated back and forth between T and his mother. One is too controlling and the other lacks the courage to stand up for himself.
T and I have talked about this many times. Many times I nagged him. I told him what I thought he should do. I begged him to put our relationship before others. I whined and cried while I tried to convince him we would be happy together. Nothing worked.
I am pissed off about it.
But who should I be pissed at?
Oh. Right. That guy. The guy in the mirror is the guy I should be pissed at.
I allowed myself to engage in wishful thinking, well after I knew it was futile. I allowed myself to ignore T's warning repeated warnings. I allowed myself to get to this point. This is my fault. It might make me feel better to blame T and his mother, but I need to focus the anger where it belongs.
T is adapting himself to the reality that we are over. I am not adapting as well. We spoke on the phone tonight. He seemed OK. I was barely holding myself together. He says he is a survivor. (I did briefly wonder why he could not be a survivor by dealing with any fallout that could come from being with me. I did not ask him about it. It really does not matter now.)
But I think that I have hit the bottom. I think I am at my lowest point. I don't think the pain can get worse. I think I have a clear understanding of the situation. I know that all hope is really gone, I know why, and I know who to blame.
Now I need to find a way to pull myself together and move on. Thank God I have a job keeps me busy and Children that take a lot of my time. If I had a lot of extra time on my hands I would go fucking crazy.
As a side note. I deleted my Adam4Adam profile today. I was not getting any traction on it anyway. I need to take a break for a while and get my head on straight.
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