Thursday, November 14, 2013

Unfocused Anger Focused

Yeah.  I am pissed.  I have been pissed for a long time now.

I get that I am lucky.  I get that some people never find someone that really loves them.  I have.  Twice.  First there was K.  There there was T.  

K is re-married has how found her happiness.

I was convinced that T was the one for me.  I wanted him.  He wanted me, or I thought that he did.  But for whatever reason (choose any of the ones I have offered) that relationship I saw in my dreams slipped though my fingers.

I am pissed about it.  I need to be angry at someone.   

For most of the past few months my anger has alternated back and forth between T and his mother.  One is too controlling and the other lacks the courage to stand up for himself.  

T and I have talked about this many times.  Many times I nagged him.  I told him what I thought he should do.  I begged him to put our relationship before others.  I whined and cried while I tried to convince him we would be happy together.  Nothing worked.

I am pissed off about it.

But who should I be pissed at?

Oh.  Right.  That guy.  The guy in the mirror is the guy I should be pissed at.

I allowed myself to engage in wishful thinking, well after I knew it was futile.  I allowed myself to ignore T's warning repeated warnings.  I allowed myself to get to this point.  This is my fault.  It might make me feel better to blame T and his mother, but  I need to focus the anger where it belongs.  

T is adapting himself to the reality that we are over.  I am not adapting as well.  We spoke on the phone tonight.  He seemed OK.  I was barely holding myself together.  He says he is a survivor.  (I did briefly wonder why he could not be a survivor by dealing with any fallout that could come from being with me. I did not ask him about it.  It really does not matter now.)

But I think that I have hit the bottom.  I think I am at my lowest point.  I don't think the pain can get worse.  I think I have a clear understanding of the situation.  I know that all hope is really gone,  I know why, and I know who to blame.

Now I need to find a way to pull myself together and move on.   Thank God I have a job keeps me busy and Children that take a lot of my time.  If I had a lot of extra time on my hands I would go fucking crazy.

As a side note. I deleted my Adam4Adam profile today.  I was not getting any traction on it anyway.  I need to take a break for a while and get my head on straight.  


Anonymous said...

This is the closest you have come to doing the safest, and correct thing, for your own emotional survival. Think seriously of cutting all connection with T. If you don't, you will have such a longer recovery time, and you will keep the fingertips clinging to the edge. You are an older guy. You do not get to do teenage pain anymore. Back off (only kindness meant), and even though the pain is deep and hurting so much, you do not need to drag it out. T will never be anyone other than he is now, and at least he never hid himself from you. I wish you all the best.

T said...

I have been snapping at pretty much everyone. I just don't want to do that to you. I don't want to make what we are going through worse. You wrote like I haven't tried. You wrote like I don't care. I have tried so hard. You have tried very hard, but to tolerate my situation. However, the one thing I have asked you to do over and over that I think would help us, you never did. I know it was ridiculous. But I also know it would have helped me.
I just don't want to discuss more about that because I don't want to upset you. I arrive at the clinic at 7:45 every morning. From that moment on, I work straighht until 6, with only 5 min to gulp down whatever I could at lunch. Not only do I see a lot of patients, I have to deal with the management and business of it at the same time. I got home at 8, have dinner, then do more paperwork until 11 or 12. Most of the time, I wake up during the night crying. Then, I put up a happy face for everyone. I know what I can do or not do at the current time. I just can't promise you something that I don't know for sure will happen. I am so sorry I hurt you. You might think I'm looking for other people. But I don't care about meeting anyone. I have hit bottom before, and you know about that. But the one thing I have always promised myself is never to become depressed. That was what I meant when I said I was a survivor. I just don't have any more energy, Jim. I love you.

Catrina said...

I'm sorry that you have to deal with this, but I guess it's best to stop blaming others (though I've always tended to do the same). T had asked something of you that he says you didn't do, and you asked something of him that he didn't do. You're need to move on. And T's comments that he loves you, though they're no doubt true, don't make things easier for you. He's obviously moved on, and his life is busy. I know it's easier said than done, but work on being happy being with yourself before looking for someone else. I truly hope you find someone someday that wants the same things you do, and is willing to work toward those things together.

Biki Honko said...

There are times when the love of our life just is unworkable, and we are forced to move on.

Try not to contact T. As hard as that is, doing so will only prolong the pain period, which is going to not be quick.

Keep busy, dont date, and think about joining a social group to have something adult that isnt job related to look forward too.

Look on and see if any of the groups on there interest you. Join one or two or several and then GO!

Keep talking to us, and we shall do the best we can to help you over this rough patch of ocean.

RB said...

I've read your posts for the last few months. This just sounds agonizing for you. Maybe it's best that you don't even try to meet anyone now. As painful as it is, it's probably best that you reduce/cut contact with T, at least for now.

This situation just sounds terrible and you need to get past it and find peace.

Sunne said...

Jim – first of all a big „HUG“. You need it. I wanted to comment earlier but yesterday I buried a friend, a mother of two teenage kids, because of cancer. Actually, moments like this do something to me. They make me thankful for being healthy and alive; they put my smaller problems into perspective. And they make me realize that planning for a distant future and putting my current life on hold for it can be very useless.

So, you are angry. Good. It doesn’t matter if you are angry at yourself or at T or his mother, actually, as long as it makes you see that what you’ve been doing is in no way healthy to you. And it’s you, you are the only person who can really crash open this circle of pain and anger. I’ve said it before and others have said it now, too.

Stop seeing each other, stop talking to each other.

Go and find something for you, a hobby, a group of people you like, whatever (I know you have not much time anyway but, hey, there must be something you’ve wanted to do). Take dance lessons, help at a dog shelter, whatever. Try to be happy with yourself. I know, you’ve always wanted the “family life”. But you cling to that wish, it’s your big dream. And there is nothing wrong with dreaming big but you also should make every day until then not the “way to be endured until” but the “way that can be enjoyed”. Do something every day that makes you smile, even if it’s something like reading a funny book, drinking a good glass of wine, seeing your children smile (ha, you haven’t seen that one coming, true?)

But stop contact with T.

Sorry, T, but in the end it will be better for you, too, because it looks like you’re wrecking your life, too. That’s neither healthy nor happy what you are describing (maybe you have left the happy parts out) and I seriously have no clue how to make you see it. Additionally to that you now have to cope with the break-up, too. And I also have no clue what Jim could have done – that big thing you mentioned that he hadn’t done – that would change anything. Jim can’t change your life. That’s for you to do.

Oh well, I wish you both that you’ll get over it as soon as possible. But I really think, no contact would be the best way. Sorry.

And your decision to not go into dating at the moment is a good one. Start with loving yourself, becoming a happy person, someone you want to live. Be content with yourself. Actually, it’s even a dating advice. Content people who are happy with themselves are proven to be more attractive (yeah, trivia, I know but not so wrong actually, I’ve seen that with two of my friends after their divorces. The moment they stopped looking for another partner and got their lives settled and happy…they found someone).

Okay, that’s it for now, good luck and another big hug.

Anonymous said...

You need to go thru the 5 stages of grief to get past this. Having a clean break is probably best. Sticking around and continued contact just delays your healing.

At this point, it's not necessary to get the real reason T does not want to compromise nor are you willing to accept less. Both of you proclaim your love for one another, which I don't doubt. But actions don't match. It's time to let go and move forward.

Jeffrey Rich said...

Clean break. No contact for at least 6 months. Been through this with my ex of 17+ years. Time heals. If you're still in contact, even a little bit, the wound is still open and will not close. Stop the torture to yourself and to him.