There are are a couple of reasons I do not simply walk away from T and end the pain. Not the least of which is, I am not convinced walking away would, in fact, end the pain.
T will not like much of what I am going to write today. These things are on my mind, however, and I need to get them out.
Sunne has figured me out. In directing comments toward T she said, "He still wants to see you because he still loves you and still hopes."
That really sums it up. I honestly don't know why I still hope. He has told me it is not going to happen. But I think that because he has expressed frustration with his situation, there the tiniest morsel of hope.
I feel like there is something there that if I can just nudge the right spot, he will see that he can change is situation. If he can see that I am the one who loves him and supports him for who he is. His mother is selfish. She does not accept him. She does not want him to be happy. Well, she wants him to be happy living his life as she want him to, but not as he wants for himself.,
She manipulates him and his siblings with enough guilt so they stay in line. If one of them steps off the path she will complain about it to the others. The offending sibling gets the silent treatment. She tortures all of them if she does not get her way. T has it in his mind that somehow HE is responsible for the moods of this 70+ year old woman. He is not. She knows exactly what she is doing. T and his sisters are playing right into her hands.
She gets what she wants and they live lonely miserable lives. As a parent myself, I can see her for what she is. I would never, NEVER do what she is doing to my children.
That said, why don't I just walk away?
In the past I have made the analogy that T is like a drug addict who has not yet hit rock bottom. He is in an unhealthy situation and, he has been in it for so long, it has become comfortable for him. He knows it is not right but he feels trapped.
I have been giving this a lot of thought over the past couple of weeks. If he was a addict, I think I would find it a lot easier to walk away. I would leave him to his addiction knowing that he needed to hit rock bottom before he could get better and take his life back. If he were doing it to himself, I would let him work it out for himself.
I was writing this, I changed my mind. He is not like an addict at all. He is a victim and that is why I am having such a hard time leaving him. Sub-consciously I think I always knew. Despite his age, and his mother age, she is abusive. I don't know if she has been abusive to him his whole life, but certainly she has in the time I have known him. I'll bet at least in the time since he came out of the closet.
Like I said, T will not like this, and I expect he will write a comment in response, which he is welcome to do. But the more I think about it, the more I think I am right.
I will not be talking about this again. I think it is too personal and private. I will not be talking about any more specific behaviors or situations beyond what I have already mentioned. The only reason I am taking about it is to answer the question:
Why don't I just walk away?
Yes I love him, but you do not walk away from some one who is being victimized. (Even if they will claim that they are not.) Especially if that someone is someone you are deeply in love with.
Will be able to save him? I don't know. Probably not. At the moment, he knows he needs saving, but is resisting all my efforts.
I guess when he comes around, I want to be there for him. I want him to see that I was there. I was loyal to him, like he was loyal to me though my divorce. I want him to see that I am the one who loves the man on the inside. I don't care what the people at church gossip about. I only care that my man is happy and feels the love I have for him. ALL OF HIM. Not just the parts of him that fit what I want him to be. Or the parts that make me look good to the rest of the "community".
I want him to be himself.
I love him the way he truly is. Which is not to be confused with the way his mother is forcing him to be with her manipulation.
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