Sunday, November 3, 2013

Why I Don't Walk Away

There are are a couple of reasons I do not simply walk away from T and end the pain.  Not the least of which is, I am not convinced walking away would, in fact, end the pain.  

T will not like much of what I am going to write today.  These things are on my mind, however, and I need to get them out.

Sunne has figured me out.  In directing comments toward T she said, "He still wants to see you because he still loves you and still hopes."  

That really sums it up.  I honestly don't know why I still hope.  He has told me it is not going to happen.  But I think that because he has expressed frustration with his situation, there the tiniest morsel of hope.  

I feel like there is something there that if I can just nudge the right spot, he will see that he can change is situation.  If he can see that I am the one who loves him and supports him for who he is.  His mother is selfish.  She does not accept him.  She does not want him to be happy.  Well, she wants him to be happy living his life as she want him to, but not as he wants for himself.,

She manipulates him and his siblings with enough guilt so they stay in line.  If one of them steps off the path she will complain about it to the others.  The offending sibling gets the silent treatment.  She tortures all of them if she does not get her way.  T has it in his mind that somehow HE is responsible for the moods of this 70+ year old woman.  He is not.  She knows exactly what she is doing.  T and his sisters are playing right into her hands. 

She gets what she wants and they live lonely miserable lives.  As a parent myself, I can see her for what she is.  I would never, NEVER do what she is doing to my children.  

That said, why don't I just walk away?

In the past I have made the analogy that T is like a drug addict who has not yet hit rock bottom. He is in an unhealthy situation and, he has been in it for so long, it has become comfortable for him.  He knows it is not right but he feels trapped.

I have been giving this a lot of thought over the past couple of weeks.  If he was a addict, I think I would find it a lot easier to walk away.  I would leave him to his addiction knowing that he needed to hit rock bottom before he could get better and take his life back.  If he were doing it to himself, I would let him work it out for himself. 

I was writing this, I changed my mind.  He is not like an addict at all. He is a victim and that is why I am having such a hard time leaving him.  Sub-consciously I think I always knew.   Despite his age, and his mother age, she is abusive.  I don't know if she has been abusive to him his whole life, but certainly she has in the time I have known him.  I'll bet at least in the time since he came out of the closet.

Like I said, T will not like this, and I expect he will write a comment in response, which he is welcome to do.  But the more I think about it, the more I think I am right.

I will not be talking about this again.   I think it is too personal and private.  I will not be talking about any more specific behaviors or situations beyond what I have already mentioned.   The only reason I am taking about it is to answer the question:  

Why don't I just walk away?

Yes I love him, but you do not walk away from some one who is being victimized.  (Even if they will claim that they are not.)  Especially if that someone is someone you are deeply in love with.

Will be able to save him?  I don't know.  Probably not.  At the moment, he knows he needs saving, but is resisting all my efforts.  

I guess when he comes around, I want to be there for him.  I want him to see that I was there.  I was loyal to him, like he was loyal to me though my divorce.  I want him to see that I am the one who loves the man on the inside.  I don't care what the people at church gossip about.  I only care that my man is happy and feels the love I have for him.  ALL OF HIM.  Not just the parts of him that fit what I want him to be.  Or the parts that make me look good to the rest of the "community".

I want him to be himself.

I love him the way he truly is.  Which is not to be confused with the way his mother is forcing him to be with her manipulation.


Catrina said...

I don't believe I've commented before, but I've been reading for quite a while. Yes, I believe T loves you, and yes, I believe he feels he's stuck between a rock and a hard place. But if he REALLY wants to be with you, he will tell his family and make it happen. If he would rather keep the peace with his family (to the detriment of the two of you), he will continue what he's doing. Sorry, T, but making NO decision is actually a decision in itself. What I really want to her is that the two of you are working things out together....

TwoLives said...

For the record, my suggestion was that you take an extended break from each other. Something like, no contact for 9 months. That's different than walking away.

The reason you can't walk away is because you're still in the process of grieving the loss of your relationship. You have to go through all the stages and get to acceptance before you'll be in the frame of mind where you can take a break or walk away.

Right now you appear to be in the bargaining stage. IF he does X, then Y will happen and everything can still work out.

Unfortunately, you have more stages of grief ahead of you.

Sunne said...

This was a very intense post. I’m honestly not sure if I’m doing you a favor with answering or not. Seems like you did a lot of soul-searching, hopefully it’ll help you to decide what to do and what is the best for you. Well…I gather you already have decided. But I’ll answer anyway.

Of course walking away wouldn’t end the pain immediately. It would be worse in the beginning. But trust me, the human mind and heart is able to forget over time. We mourn, we think we’ll never get over losing someone….but we always do. Humans are more resilient as you give yourself credit at the moment.

But – you already have decided to stay with T. Then I have one really good question. Why did you two end your relationship? I mean, you are continuing it without the benefits now. You won’t go out and find someone new, in your mind and heart you are still with T. You try to date but it won’t work and you know it. He won’t go out and find someone new because he does know he is not able to maintain a relationship with his familiar situation. Well, then you are accepting the current status quo despite it hurts you like crazy, a status quo that is worse than what you two had before. Yep, just saying…that is something you really should think about if you are not willing to walk away.

The way you see T’s situation is an abusive relationship based on emotional blackmail. In this case I highly recommend you (and T but he maybe doesn’t see it that way) to get yourself informed about this. I could write a lot of stuff here, like “The abuser’s only interest is his own, not the person he’s blackmailing by guilt” or “The average number of attempts to leave an abuser is seven” or “If you are a friend you have to be prepared for denial and/or rejection” but seriously, if this is your estimation of T’s situation, get yourself informed what you can do to help him. Try to get him informed but be prepared that he doesn’t want that and sees it quite differently. He probably will be mad at you.

All in all I just can wish you all strength you have, advise you to try to take some time for your own because everybody still needs some place to recharge. Seriously, if that is going to be your near future, find something for yourself to get your balance back. Even it is just a weekly walk in the park. Please Jim, find something that helps you to stay strong because you have chosen a very difficult path.
And this is for T: You are an intelligent man, you wouldn’t have become a doctor if you aren’t. You are also a loving person, as far as we can see from all the posts Jim and you have written (yes, I read your blog, too). You also are someone who feels a very strong responsibility towards your parents. I gathered you feel indebted to them for the changes they made in their life for you. Maybe I’m wrong, I’m just assuming here based on what I’ve read. Now…this is the privilege and the free will of parents – to make changes in their lives for their kids. And no parent has the right to ask their kid to feel indebted because no kid ever has asked to be born. As a mother I had made the decision to bring a new person into the world and it is my f******* responsibility to do everything in my power to ensure safety and happiness to my kid. And seeing my kid safe and happy should be my reward, nothing else. If I’ve done it right, my kid will love me. And it will be there for me out of love and the wish to spend some time with me. But never out of obligation.
So, I’m sorry if I’ve interpreted something wrong…then scratch this whole part. But man, you both need to talk…actually have you ever thought about couple therapy? Because seriously, T, you ended your relationship with Jim because he was starting to slip into depression or at least something similar. What’s going on now isn’t better. Jim is fighting for you.

Ups, I’m really feeling like I’m intruding here. I hope you both don’t mind but since it’s out in this blog I assume at least Jim wants to hear other thoughts and opinions of people who aren’t as emotionally involved.

Hugs for both of you.

fan of casey said...

As another asian, I say fight fire with fire -- I'm sure T has learned how to be manipulative himself, he's been taught by the best. Turn the tables. Know when to say no and stop being your typical passive-aggressive asian. She will get upset but will get over it.

jim said...

I have tried to tell him many times that she will not be mad forever. She will get upset for a while. She may yell and holler for a couple for days. And then a few weeks of the silent treatment, but then it will all blow over and she will accept it.

And he will be SOOOOO much happier.

fan of casey said...

Asians might be stereotyped for being passive aggressive but they are also notorious for being stubborn right fighters. And there's also the obsession about asian status and image, especially amongst the older generation. You can't force or tell him to do something, they will just dig in his heels. He's gotta want to do it himself, for himself. Maybe he doesn't care that he will be alone for the rest of his life. If his mom has this kind of hold on him in life, she surely will try to make him promise in passing.

My father did that to my mom. He was dying of emphysema yet he still made my mom promise not to remarry. He felt it would look bad on him, even though he would not be around to even know.

Once T realizes that he is not simply honoring his parents wishes, that he is in fact being manipulated by them, so that they feel good about being parents, then perhaps he will make a decision for himself.

T said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
fan of casey said...

So are you really doing this for yourself or your parents?

Your asian parents will blame themselves for how their dreams for you did not pan out, whether that's true or not and you do not want to disappoint them.

You shield them from the truth so they can live in their denial because you believe you are protecting them. It's all very asian to self-sacrifice your own wants for the perceived greater family good. That's your choice.

You say the breakup is for Jim's best interest but I don't believe that is entirely true.