Saturday, November 2, 2013

The Best Part About Hitting Yourself With A Hammer

My dad used to ask me, "What's the best part about hitting yourself in the head with a hammer?"

"What dad?" I would ask, even though I knew the answer very well.  

"It feels so good when you stop."

This was his sage advice for me when I was doing something that was ultimately causing me grief.  Usually the root cause boiled down to some sort of procrastination on my part. 

It was a stupid thing for him to say, but I knew what he meant.   It was true then.  It is true now.   If you are doing something that is causing you pain or stress and you stop doing it, the pain will probably stop.

I am sure it can be applied to my current situation.   

My brain gets it.  While T and I are perfect together, we are incompatible in our life goals.  The problem is, only my brain gives a shit about life goals.  My brain knows the score.  My brain has known for a long time this will just not work out in the long run.  Not as long as T's mother has the out-sized influence she does on his life to where she is a 3rd party in our relationship.

My heart does not know about his mother.  My heart only knows how happy I am when T and I are together.  It only knows how it sings when I am being held in his arms.  It only knows how it beats faster every time I see him smile, or when get a text message from him in the middle of the day.  It just makes me happy beyond reason.  All my heart can think about is the next time we will be together. 

Well, that is not all my heart can think about.  It also thinks about the emptiness it feels when T is not around.  When I go for 2 weeks without seeing him it aches for his touch.  It longs for that connection that can only be filled by his physical presence.

So knowing that T is not going to be changing his relationship with his mother anytime soon, and therefore knowing that our relationship is not going to work long term, am I just hitting myself in the head with a hammer every time I talk to him?

Will I feel better if I stop?

K thinks so.

Sunne thinks so.

Other readers think so.

I'm just not ready.  I am not ready to let go.  My heart is so desperately in love with him.  I simply cannot imagine not having him to talk to.  To be sure, the conflict between my heart and my brain is causing me pain, but I just am powerless to do anything about it.

So for the moment, my heart will continue hitting my brain with the hammer.  It might feel better when I stop, but I fear the pain of the loss will be much worse than what I have now.


I think my dad's proverb would apply to T as well.

I have seen T be strong, direct, and pointed in difficult situations in his business life.  I have been him be this way in other areas of his personal life when he felt disrespected.  But he turns into a wilting flower where his parents or other family members are concerned.   This is a situation where he has 100% control.  He has chosen this path and he could choose to correct it.  He says he cannot change it, but that's simply not true.  He has chosen to maintain the current situation. He could choose to change it.  I realize it would be a difficult choice, but it would be a choice.  

Yes, there would be some stress, as the others involved adjusted to his new assertiveness, (rather than him just rolling over at the slightest growl), but in the long run, the pain would stop. The place where the hammer kept hitting would heal and it would feel so good.

I would be there to kiss it and make it all better too.  :-)


RB said...

I agree with the others. If it's over with T, then you should reduce contact with him. Especially if it's causing a problem, and it appears that is the case.

Here's another suggestion -- one last thing to try. Could one of T's family members broker a deal with T's mom? Might not be the best idea for you talk to the mother directly. The sister likes you, right? Could you explain how you and T feel to the sister and see of she will explain the situation to the mother? Maybe she could get the mother to ease up on T. It sounds like if the mother gay T permission all the problems would be solved.

Sunne said...

Oh Jim! Don’t you see it? You are still hoping despite everything you two have gone through. You are still trying to argue T into changing something, doing something, standing up against his mother. You are blaming her attitude. You still try to justify all with his mother. Jim, don’t you think that T wouldn’t have done something if he had been able to do it?

You both suffered long enough in this unsolvable situation to realize it won’t work.

While I personally can’t understand T’s attitude (but I come from a very different background) I have read enough about and from him to understand that he isn’t searching the easy way out. He’s obviously suffering himself. And still – you have written yourself how much it affects him, too. And he is UNABLE to change anything, not for you and not for himself. I think if he were able he would have done it. I wonder what he feels about seeing you and being reminded by you of his inability to choose you. It can’t be easy for him, too.

Jim, what you are doing is exactly what your dad has said to you. You are hitting yourself repeatedly with a hammer..over and over again. You are talking about choices. About T’s choices. You know that you have made some of your own. You have chosen to still hope, to ignore that what you are doing now is hurting you.

Honestly, I still think you should chose to stop seeing him. Of course it would hurt so much more. But in the end ….and sorry, that sounds like a cliché but it’s true, …..time can make it better.
You’ll never be free to find happiness for yourself, maybe even a new love, if you still cling to the old one, even if for you he is the one. And since you have chosen to be honest with us, be honest with yourself. You do still hope.

And T, in case you read this, as Jim has said, you have made your own choices. Even to say “I have no choice” is a choice. I admit, I don’t understand you but I don’t think you’re expecting this anyway. I just want you to think about the question I posted in another comment: “Why do you still want to see Jim?” (No, the “friends” answer doesn’t count”). Jim has answered it without knowing it. He still wants to see you because he still loves you and still hopes. And you?