My dad used to ask me, "What's the best part about hitting yourself in the head with a hammer?"
"What dad?" I would ask, even though I knew the answer very well.
"It feels so good when you stop."
This was his sage advice for me when I was doing something that was ultimately causing me grief. Usually the root cause boiled down to some sort of procrastination on my part.
It was a stupid thing for him to say, but I knew what he meant. It was true then. It is true now. If you are doing something that is causing you pain or stress and you stop doing it, the pain will probably stop.
I am sure it can be applied to my current situation.
My brain gets it. While T and I are perfect together, we are incompatible in our life goals. The problem is, only my brain gives a shit about life goals. My brain knows the score. My brain has known for a long time this will just not work out in the long run. Not as long as T's mother has the out-sized influence she does on his life to where she is a 3rd party in our relationship.
My heart does not know about his mother. My heart only knows how happy I am when T and I are together. It only knows how it sings when I am being held in his arms. It only knows how it beats faster every time I see him smile, or when get a text message from him in the middle of the day. It just makes me happy beyond reason. All my heart can think about is the next time we will be together.
Well, that is not all my heart can think about. It also thinks about the emptiness it feels when T is not around. When I go for 2 weeks without seeing him it aches for his touch. It longs for that connection that can only be filled by his physical presence.
So knowing that T is not going to be changing his relationship with his mother anytime soon, and therefore knowing that our relationship is not going to work long term, am I just hitting myself in the head with a hammer every time I talk to him?
Will I feel better if I stop?
K thinks so.
Sunne thinks so.
Other readers think so.
I'm just not ready. I am not ready to let go. My heart is so desperately in love with him. I simply cannot imagine not having him to talk to. To be sure, the conflict between my heart and my brain is causing me pain, but I just am powerless to do anything about it.
So for the moment, my heart will continue hitting my brain with the hammer. It might feel better when I stop, but I fear the pain of the loss will be much worse than what I have now.
I think my dad's proverb would apply to T as well.
I have seen T be strong, direct, and pointed in difficult situations in his business life. I have been him be this way in other areas of his personal life when he felt disrespected. But he turns into a wilting flower where his parents or other family members are concerned. This is a situation where he has 100% control. He has chosen this path and he could choose to correct it. He says he cannot change it, but that's simply not true. He has chosen to maintain the current situation. He could choose to change it. I realize it would be a difficult choice, but it would be a choice.
Yes, there would be some stress, as the others involved adjusted to his new assertiveness, (rather than him just rolling over at the slightest growl), but in the long run, the pain would stop. The place where the hammer kept hitting would heal and it would feel so good.
I would be there to kiss it and make it all better too. :-)
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