Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Formerly Married Gays

I have been wondering if gay guys who used to be married make better partners.

I have been listened to the guys on several of the blogs I follow talking about how gay men are not good a long term relationships for a whole host of reasons.  But I do not fall into one of those categories. 

Most of the blogs I read are written by men who are or have been married to women.  I think a lot of them want a real long term relationship with one man similar to what they had with their wives.  That is really what I would like to have.  If I can re-create the type of relationship I had with K with T then my life would be perfect.

You will note I said the "type of relationship".  I know I cannot recreate the relationship itself.  After all while K and T share some similar traits, they are very different people.  But what I crave is the stability of a marriage.  Knowing that no matter what, there will be one person who will be by your side (both physically and spiritually) to face with you all the things that life throws.  Where there is less "you and me" and more "us".  Where people rarely say your name without also saying the others.  No matter how crappy my day at work was I will always have a safe of arms to fall into when I get home.

Of course all that stuff works in the other direction as well.  When T has a bad day I want him to complain about it to me when he gets home.  If he feels bad I want to be the set of arms he falls into for comfort.  When he is sick I want to make him chicken soup or take him to doctor appointments.  I want to be the one makes him a sandwich when he brings home so much work he can't take a break to eat.  I want to be there for him too.

I think a lot of guy who had the courage to come to terms with who they are early in life missed something.  Even many of us got married for all the wrong reasons or because we were hiding from our gay-ness, I think we gained something by having that experience of marriage to a woman.

A lot of less stable couples, gay or straight, will split up when faced with adversity.  I always thought that was strange.  It always seemed to me that adversity brought K and I closer together.  It made our bond stronger.  I guess I always felt if we can make it through this (whatever that happed to be at the time) then we could make it through anything.

Now that I have come to terms with being gay and our marriage is dissolving,  I want to build a relationship of the same strength.  I want the hardships and difficulties of relationships with T so it will draw up closer together.  We will face them together, resolve them together, and adapt together.  Together is the key.


Uncutplus said...

I agree with everything you have said in this post. You are so fortunate that you have T and that he seems like a soul mate for you. May you have the same type of relationship with him that you have had with K.

My ex-wife and I are still very close friends and communicate frequently and I still love her, but more like a sister than a wife. I have finally found a gay soul mate, but at present we are still living 3 hours apart in our separate homes, but I look forward to the day we can be in each other's arms daily.

manxxman said...

Being a member of "the club" I feel that we understand that a relationship can feel firmer because it is recognized by the state (read here......churches aren't a necessity). It gives the relationship structure. I'm not saying that it makes then all work, we know this isn't true, but it gives structure (from taxes to inheritance rights, etc.). But I also feel that when the opposition to gay marriage finally bites the dust young gay people won't struggle any more than young straight couples when it comes to establishing a "home".