Monday, October 4, 2010

Flashback and Reset

I have been a bad blogger, but I will try to get better.

There is a part of me that sometimes wishes I was straight.  That still wishes for a normal life.  That is proud to be married to the same woman for a long time.  And every once in a while, I think maybe I could just go back in the closet for a while.

Friday night K had gone out with AJ to a concert.  I stayed home with the kids and made a camp fire in the back yard.  I hung out with the kids some, but spent most of the time alone.

The next morning the after everyone had been up for a while I went up to K's room.  She was up but had not gotten out of bed yet.  I laid down on the bed next to her (in my old spot) and we talked about her evening.

As we talked, she came over and snuggled next to me.  Her head was on my chest and we talked like that for about 20 min.  It was nice and for a few min I even forgot she was telling about about her date with her boyfriend.  

Then we got up and started about our day, running errands with the kids and normal Saturday stuff.  Things were back to "normal" and I did not think much else about it.

Later in the day I was meeting T.  I met him at his office, we went out for dinner and then to his house for the rest of the evening.  I hooked up his Blue-Ray player and set up his Wii.  These has been in boxes since he moved to his new house.

In his basement there is a really nice entertainment room with a big TV and a super comfy couch with a shitload of pillows.  We put in a comedy DVD and we snuggled on the couch.  I felt safe, comfortable and loved in his arms.  As we were there together, I thought about what a dream come true it is.  This was something that I fantasized about so many times for so many years.  I was alone with a man who really loved me and I really loved.  I really felt that "in love" feeling people talk about.  There was a warmth between us.  A warmth that was more than just our bodies being together (No, we were not naked).  It was a warmth in my soul that is difficult to describe in words.

Then I thought about being with K earlier in the day.  It was nice to be there with her.  It felt comfortable and relaxed as we talked.  It felt much like it had for the past 17 years.  Comfortable and relaxed.  When I was with T, however, there was electricity between us.  There was not just a spark, but current flowing.  There was a desire in my heart to be closer to him.  When he got up, even for a moment, there was a real empty feeling and a yearning for him to return.  

As I drove home at the end of the evening, I knew I was making the right choices for my life.  I knew that I am gay.  I knew that I liked the feelings I was feeling and I wanted more of them.  As much as I have always loved (and continue to love) K, I am in love with a man.  I am in love with T.  The feeling in my heart are not the same.

These days there is more of me that is happy to be gay than not.  After this weekend, the happy part grew a little bit bigger.


Cubby said...

But you *are* normal, Jim.

We didn't choose to be gay, but we can choose to make the best of the hand we were dealt. From where I'm sitting, it's looks like you are making all the rights choices to find happiness. I'm glad for you.

MiddleMan said...

You are a very lucky man to have two people who love you while many people are still trying to find just one. Your story is inspiring and shows the positive outcomes of sharing the truth with your spouse. Unfortunately, it does not work out for everyone this way. You took a giant leap of faith out of respect for those around you and it paid off.

Bear Me Out said...

I know that feeling of wishing I fit in. As has been said,
A cat raised with dogs doesn't it's a cat, till it meets another one.