Friday, October 22, 2010

Who Would Have Thought?

I took the day off from work. (Mental health day)  I had gone to see T last night and when I get back,  K and I talked for a long time before I went to bed.

We talked about my visit with T and her last conversation with AJ. We talked like twin siblings (the really close kids) who each got back from their respective dates. Pinch me I am must be dreaming!!!  

I always hoped but I was never sure it would actually happen. I was telling K about my date with a man I love and not worried about it. Not wondering if I need to be careful about what I say. I can tell her everything now and it's ok. (Note to T: When I say "everything" I'm only talking about the PG rated stuff.)

A year ago, K was convinced she was going to become the crazy cat lady from the "Simpson's". Now, as she talks about AJ, it is clear she is not really worried about that anymore.  Its not like they are ready to move in together, but it is clear they each see the other in the future.  It's really nice for all of us.

She told me not long ago, "You can't be happier, faster than me!".  The truth is I was but I hid it so as not to make her feel bad.  Now I am in a place where I can talk to her about my feelings. My real feelings. 

I told her last night that I was happier than I have been in a long time.  She hit me.  She punched me in the arm ... hard and said "If you had only listened to me two FREAKING years ago...".   She went on to say how the 2 years of limbo could have been avoided if I had only trusted her and come to terms with myself sooner.  We did not rehash that any further.

Another thing I did not ask, but I thought quietly to myself was:  Is she happier than than she was before I came out as gay, but while I was "exploring"?  I suspect she is.  At that time she told me on more than one occasion that she felt like furniture.  She was miserable.  I did not have the passion for her that I should and frankly sex was not that good.  Now, AJ is curling her toes and when I am with T, things feel natural, comfortable and passionate.  AJ looks at her with type of love in his eyes that she wants to see.  She knows I love her, but now she understands the nature of my love.

So the bottom line question for today is, was it worth it?  Was all the pain, confusion, distress, anger and hurt worth it?  

From where I am sitting today and looking back, it absolutely was.

No comments: