Sunday, April 11, 2010

Back to Normal ... Sort of...

I waved good bye to my parents this morning.  We had a really nice visit.  I know the kids had a good time with their grandparents.  

Before they left this morning, my father gave each of my kids a crisp $10 bill.  My daughter (who is 5) immediately ran up to her room and put it with her "treasures".  Later she told me, "I don't ever want to give that money away.  Papa gave it to me for special."  How cute is that?  I'm weak from the cuteness!!

K was good with my parents, even if she was a little more quiet than usual.  She did her normal activities, which meant that she was out of the house most evenings.  It was OK by me, and I think it helped her to be away.  She did mention that she was not happy about pretending to be a "happy family".  I told her that since my parents knew everything , she did not have to pretend anything.  I can see how being with my family could be uncomfortable for her.

We will seen my parents again in July, when we all travel up to where they live.  Me and the kids are already looking forward to that trip. 

K and I took the kids to church.  Then she went to see her horse, before heading back to church for work. It was a normal Sunday afternoon.  My big project today it to work on my taxes.  Yes, I know I am waiting until the last minute, in fact should be working on them right not, rather than this.

K told me yesterday that she is feeling that all of her life has been a lie.  Of course, she is right.  I chose to lie about myself (and to myself).  I sold that lie to her and everyone else.  Now that the lie has fallen apart, she is in the shit.  I can't really blame he for being upset about it.

I called over to Emerging Identity and he was no help at all.  He told me, correctly, that the lie was not all my fault.  There are many factors that drove me to lie.  Such as the pressure to stay in the closet that a 17 year old boy would have felt in the late 1980's.  He is right, but it did not help me at all.  While it should be liberating to be able to share the blame for my problem, who do I share it with?  Jerry Falwell?  The priest at the church I grew up in?  How does that help?

Now if I could split some of the blame with K, because, say, she turned me gay, that would be sweet.  I could turn the lie back on her and we could share the blame.  It would be both of our faults.  But I can't do that.  She is blameless.  She had nothing to do with it.  Just like the kids had nothing to with it.  Both innocent of my lie.  Both victims of my lie.

I suppose sharing the blame with Jerry Falwell helps to explain why I lied.  At the time I felt it was what I had to do to survive in a straight world.  It wasn't to be intentionally deceptive.  That helps a little, but not much.

In the good news column, they new guy she is interested in, has gotten permission from his daughter to start dating K.   I think it was cute that he asked her.  The daughter is one of the players on the team K coaches so they already know each other.  The other thing that is cool, is the other guy knows about me and the nature of my close relationship with K and it is OK with him.  That is important to both her and me.

They had a sort-of-date (K, new guy and daughter) last night that went really well.  It is way too early to tell if this could grow into something serious, but it is a good start.  We'll see.  I doubt I will write much about that relationship since, it's her thing and does not really involve me .. much.

Kids go back to school tomorrow, so it will be even more "normal" for us tomorrow.  


What a funny word.


Java said...

It's great that the new guy in K's life is cool with you, and with your relationship with K. I hope their relationship will blossom, as long as it's a good fit for everyone.

Glad to hear the visit from your parents went so well. And yeah, your daughter is cuteness personified. :)

Bear Me Out said...

You know, it is what it is.
I've done the post mortem on my life over and over and over. I'm not sure it helps, really. I didn't get it. I hung on too long. Denial. Lying. And I learned to do it quite well (deep regret, there).

But it is what it is. I've given up (mostly) on re-examining that which was. And I must say I would not trade many good years I had with my wife, and two wonderful children for anything. ANYTHING.

If having those wonderful things meant I got a lot else wrong. So be it. There was grace in it.

And there will be in the future. Yours. Mine.

RB said...

It happened...why does someone have to be blamed? Move on.

manxxman said...

Blame is harmful. Like holding on to a gruge. Start letting go of things you have no control over, and for the most part you have no control over the past. Make the present and the future your focus. K will get on with her life as will're actually doing a pretty good job of it.