There is a place not far from my house that does bull riding every Sunday night from April through November. It is a local place, but the rides are sanctioned by what ever body sanctions these type of events. K and I took the kids there for the first time last 4th of July. In addition to the bull riding, they had fireworks too.
K thought it was awesome. I didn't like it as much. Yes, there was a lot of eye candy around (young, athletic men in tight jeans) but I did not really have a good time. I felt out of place. There were a lot of families there and I did not get the impression that this was a gay friendly crowd. It is not someplace I would have felt comfortable taking T or Internet Guy on a date. (It would have been worse for T, since he might have been the only non-Caucasian there.)
K loves it. She is a horse and rodeo kind of girl and she loves being around that kind of atmosphere.
Today was the opening day of the season and K really wanted to go. She had lined up several girl friends to go, but they all backed out. She really wanted to go and I think she really wanted me to go with her, but she did not come out and ask me to. She knew I did not want to go. In the end, she went alone.
On the one hand, I feel bad that I let her go alone. I feel a little like a bad friend. On the other hand, this is one of those separations things that we need to do. There will have to be things we do on our own. I plan on attending the next pride event in the nearby city. I will not ask K to come with me and if I did, I doubt she would go. As time goes on, there will be more things we will do on our own. That is as it should be, even though it is a little lonely.
I got a few text messages from her. She loved being there, but was lonely.
Me: I'm glad you like it there, but sorry you are lonely. I feel out of place there.
K: Why do you feel out of place? You're not wearing a rainbow shirt and no one would know.
Me: I would know.
She is right. I am the straightest gay guy you have ever met. Well ... almost. I am not a big sports fan and am not athletic, but other than that, I am a pretty manly guy. No one knows I am gay unless I tell them. The few people I have told are all surprised. In the end, it does not matter if anyone else knows I am gay. I know.
This is really the crux of what is driving me out of the closet. I know I am gay. I want people to know. Once they know I can be myself. I stop worrying about what I say, or how I react to what others say. People know who I really am and they can accept me or not. If they do, great. If they don't, they are are of no consequence to me.
I don't think K really understands, but I don't expect her to. I would not expect any straight person to really understand. Of course she is "understanding" but there comes a point when she can only imagine what I am talking about.
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