Sunday, April 4, 2010

I Feel Out of Place... Go By Yourself

There is a place not far from my house that does bull riding every Sunday night from April through November.  It is a local place, but the rides are sanctioned by what ever body sanctions these type of events.  K and I took the kids there for the first time last 4th of July.  In addition to the bull riding, they had fireworks too.

K thought it was awesome.  I didn't like it as much.  Yes, there was a lot of eye candy around (young, athletic men in tight jeans) but I did not really have a good time.  I felt out of place.  There were a lot of families there and I did not get the impression that this was a gay friendly crowd.  It is not someplace I would have felt comfortable taking T or Internet Guy on a date.  (It would have been worse for T, since he might have been the only non-Caucasian there.)

K loves it.  She is a horse and rodeo kind of girl and she loves being around that kind of atmosphere.

Today was the opening day of the season and K really wanted to go.  She had lined up several girl friends to go, but they all backed out.  She really wanted to go and I think she really wanted me to go with her, but she did not come out and ask me to.  She knew I did not want to go.  In the end, she went alone.

On the one hand, I feel bad that I let her go alone.  I feel a little like a bad friend.  On the other hand, this is one of those separations things that we need to do.  There will have to be things we do on our own.  I plan on attending the next pride event in the nearby city.  I will not ask K to come with me and if I did, I doubt she would go.  As time goes on, there will be more things we will do on our own.  That is as it should be, even though it is a little lonely.

I got a few text messages from her.  She loved being there, but was lonely.

Me: I'm glad you like it there, but sorry you are lonely.  I feel out of place there.

K: Why do you feel out of place?  You're not wearing a rainbow shirt and no one would know.

Me: I would know.

She is right.  I am the straightest gay guy you have ever met.  Well ... almost.  I am not a big sports fan and am not athletic, but other than that, I am a pretty manly guy.  No one knows I am gay unless I tell them.  The few people I have told are all surprised.  In the end, it does not matter if anyone else knows I am gay.  I know.

This is really the crux of what is driving me out of the closet.  I know I am gay.  I want people to know.  Once they know I can be myself.  I stop worrying about what I say, or how I react to what others say.  People know who I really am and they can accept me or not.  If they do, great.  If they don't, they are are of no consequence to me.

I don't think K really understands, but I don't expect her to.  I would not expect any straight person to really understand.  Of course she is "understanding" but there comes a point when she can only imagine what I am talking about.


T said...

You have graduated... :)
You are going to be ok.
I'm glad you're starting to take care of yourself.

Bear Me Out said...

It IS tough. But we will spend a lot of time presuming ourselves to be the only one in the room.
Take it all slowly. You can make it. You will make it. You are making it.