Friday, April 2, 2010

Hopeful, But Not Out of the Woods

I have been writing about how I have been feeling pretty good lately, and I have.  But it is not like everything has been resolved overnight, since I talked to the pastor and I starting falling for Internet Guy.

Today was a hard day for K.  I don't know exactly what was on her mind, but she was pretty cranky today.  She told be again that she is losing patience with me, but I don't know exactly what that means.  No matter what it means, I am feeling bad about it.  I just don't feel good when she is upset.  

I know that I cannot control how she feels.  I know that am not responsible for anyone's happiness, but my own.  Of course anyone that knows me, know I just don't feel that way.  Her happiness is important to me.  It just is.  It always will be.

I think there is a level where she is upset that I will be going to visit IG at the end of the month.  I really just think it is more about be leaving her alone with the kids for a few days rather then where I am going or who I am seeing.  I think the idea that I am on a vacation and she is going to have to deal with the kids alone irks her.  On the one hand I don't blame her, but on the other hand, I would not do that to her.  Twice she has flown out of state to visit a friend for a long weekend.  Both times in encouraged her to go.  On of the times, I actually purchased the ticket for her. 

This fall she will turn 40.  She is thinking about taking a cruise for her birthday.  I think she should.  Whether she goes with a male or female friend (or more than a friend) I think she should go.  I know she will have a good time.  Will it be easy for me to be here with the kids on my own?  No, of course not.   Will I let her know that?  No, of course not.  I want her to have a good time.  I don't want her to worry about what is happening here. I want her to take the time for herself and have a little fun.

She is not the kind of person who takes time for herself.  There is an element of look-how-hard-I-work to it, but that is not all of it.  Bottom line, co-dependent or not, when she is not happy, no one is happy.  Right now, I am not happy.

There is a lot of other stuff going on too:

1.  The kids are off from school next week and my parents are taking the occasion to come a visit.  It really is a big deal.  They have not been here is a few years, since my dad got sick.  Without going into details, he has a lot of problems that, by themselves might not be so bad, but he has several at the same time.  None are enough to kill him, but together, they are making his life miserable.  Lately he has been feeling pretty good and stable, so they are going to make the 2 day drive here.  The kids are very excited.  K and I will spend the weekend cleaning the house and making sure everyone has a place to stay.  They will be there for 7 days.

2.  The day after my parents leave, K's sister, her 3 kids, K's mom and maybe her dad will be here.  They will stay about 5 days, then return home.  I don't know if I mentioned it before, but K's family is crazy.  No, it's not just me that thinks that, K thinks so too.  It will be interesting to see how it goes.  Her parents were her for Thanksgiving last year and that visit went really well.  We will have to see how well this one goes.  I am holding my  breath and they won't be here for a week and a half.  Yikes!!

3.  I continue talk to IG every day.  Sometimes it's for just a short time.  This is a very bust time for him a work and he has been putting in a lot of extra hours.  Add that to the 3 hour time difference, and it it sometimes difficult for us to connect.  4 weeks from tonight I will be spending my second night with him.

4.  T broke his silence this morning.  I was at work, in a meeting, when my phone rang.  I almost hit the ignore button without looking to see who it was.  When I did check, I saw T's smiling picture on the screen.  Even when we were dating, it was unusual for him to call at this time, he is usually getting ready to open his business.  I stepped out of the meeting to answer his call.

It was REALLY good to hear his voice after not talking to him for so long.  He told me that he was OK now.  He said I should feel free to call him whenever I wanted.  I told him I was glad to hear that, and I would certainly call him.  We did not talk long, maybe less than a minute,  I knew he need to open the business and I needed to get back to my meeting.

I did not call him today, but I will over the weekend.  It will be nice to reconnect and see how our friendship will be built over time.  I suspect it will begin over the fire pit he built in his back yard, not that the weather is turning warmer and the leaves are growing on the trees.

Over all, I am still content (happy is too big a word) and things are largely going the way I want them too.  That said, I got a reminder today, that there are still outstanding problems to be worked on.


T said...

:)...since we are talking friends again, which makes me feel good because I have moved on and you are happy, I'm going to give you some honest advice like I have always do. I know You don't like to hear it, but here it goes:

1. K is human, and she's not a saint like you want to believe she is. She relates her unhappiness with your happiness. The happier you are, the more it reminds her of why she's unhappy. You are still living in the same house with her, you have to be mindful of that. She likes to be in control. This time, you will be taking a a-few-day trip to a love interest when you didn't even give me half a day visits before (I'm not angry). Of course, she's not going to like it.

The bottome line is until you move out, don't put it into her face how happy you are with IG. She needs time to deal with you being gay; she needs time to deal with the coming separation; she needs time to figure out how to move on. She has been there while you were doing all that. Now, it's your turn. I'm 100% sure you will take care of whatever she needs, but you still should be more mindful. She says one thing, but she means differently.

Other than that, stop boo-hooing and be positive. Things are turning out as good as posible for you. Don't be greedy. Just eat the damn cake. The icing will come... :)

Bigg said...

I am glad to hear that you're going to visit Internet Guy. I know your wife is unhappy - but you can't make her happy any more than she can make you happy. Be thoughtful and considerate of her, but remember that this is your life and you can only live it for yourself.