Monday, July 12, 2010

Beach Clarity

This is a video of Sachuest Point beach in Middletown, Rhode Island.  The locals call it "Second Beach".  It is just over a 2 hour drive from where my mother lives, but it was worth the trip.  The waves were better, the sand was softer and you can walk out a long way before it gets too deep to stand.  I could have sat on the beach a listened to the sound of the surf rolling in for hours.  There is something soothing about the rhythmic pounding of the water on the beach.  I think there is something comforting knowing that the water has always been rolling onto that beach and it always will.   

Being there was a mixture of emotions.  I was playing several roles in my head at the same time, each with it's own emotional attachments.  

I was a father taking his family on vacation.  We played.  After the first visit we bought boogie boards, not really good ones, but once they could have fun with for the week.  We spent money on food and snacks, not to mention the gas to get us back and forth.  That's what father's do when they take their families on vacation, and it was worth every penny.  I would not trade the time I spent playing in the surf with all my kids for anything.  I was able to forget all my problems.  There was no work.  There was no gay related confusion.  There was no worrying about the future.  For a little while it was just me, my kids, and the ocean.

I was a best friend.  K and I had a good time together.  We are best friends and we are settling into that role together.  The anger is completely gone and we were able to laugh together.  We laughed together a lot last week.    At one point I, expressed a little sadness that here and I are SO good together, if only I was straight, we would have the perfect life.  She shut me down quickly, saying she believed that God had a plan for all of us and that we were right were we were supposed to be.  She has come to believe that she was put into my life to help me discover who I really am.  (That is a topic for a whole other post.)

I was a boyfriend alone.  Sometimes, when I was playing in the surf or looking out at the ocean I would be thinking about T.  I would be distracted watching 2 people talking along the beach together, and I would think about T.  I really wanted to share this experience with him.  I wanted this to be our experience.  A memory to share that we could tell other people about together.  I would have loved to walk the beach with him.  My kids love him and would have had fun playing in the surf with him.  I would have loved playing with all of us together.

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