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Rob over at "Below The Radar" called it. "We've seen this movie before." he said. "Anyone want to to take bets on when they will get back together?"
So it it has been about a month. I suspect that most of you were thinking that this current break up had gone on long enough. I mean really, with as much as T and I love each other, and we do, how long could we stay apart?
How long could we go through the motions of reviving our ManHunt profiles and browsing through the pictures of strange men that will make all of our dreams come true.
Why would we need to do that, when we have all the love we need for each other right here, staring each other in the face. T will work on standing up for himself to his family and putting me first more. I will try to be more patient. He will push the envelope more and I will remember that his family harmony is important to him. We are so happy and comfortable when we are together, it's just inconceivable that we cannot find a way to make it together as a couple.
But we can't.
None of that stuff happened.
T told his mom, we broke up after more than 5 years together. She shrugged and never said another word about it. No one in the family he was so worried about upsetting, seems to notice or care that his relationship has been dissolved. T and I continue to talk often. He has made no mention he would be willing or able to change anything about this family situation to save our relationship. I remain unwilling to stand at the end of the line for his attention with almost no hope of us ever being truly together as partners.
T revived his old profiles on Adam4Adam and ManHunt, using the same picture that caught my eye more than 5 years ago. He is getting a lot of people writing to him. He answers some. He almost met someone for lunch last week, but changed his mind and had lunch with his family instead. He says he really does not want to meet anyone now. I'm sure that part of that is because of his feeling for me. The rest is a fear that he will be come attached to someone else and fall into the same trap with that person he fell into with me.
I have been resistant to post any profiles anywhere. I just didn't want to. My mind knows I should move on, but my heart is so in love still. K thinks I should do something to meet new people. T pushed me to put a profile out there. He things if I meet someone nice I will be happier. If I find someone to live with me. (yeah, I know. He still does not really get it...)
Eventually I did it. I made up a fake profile on Adam4Adam last week just to look around. That site is such a meat market. It's not a whole lot better than Craigslist for the most part. But it's free. And T has be convinced that generally the same people are posted in both places anyway, so why not start there. I did not post a picture, but I use my honest stats. Some people wrote to me. A couple of hot young guys who turned out to be prostitutes. An older (by "older" I mean my age) gay guy who was cheating on his partner and wanted something on the side. And two "Bi Curious" guys cheating on their wives. NO NO NO. UGH!!!
A couple of married guys wrote to T. Since he is not looking for a partner, I thought that might work for him. But I don't want to be the guy on the side.
Yesterday, I took a bunch of pictures of myself, posted a real profile, and deleted the old one. We'll see what happens. T helped me pick a good picture and suggested good wording for my description. It was surreal really. (...and too depressing for words...)
I did get one person who wrote to me from the the old fake profile who I told I was moving to a new one. He is about my age and based on the limited email conversations, he seems nice enough. I may be meeting him tomorrow after work for a drink. Possibly dinner. T seems to thinks I am going to have have sex with him. T may just be teasing me, but I'm not sure.
The last time we broke up and I went on a date (I wrote about it here) I remember it didn't go that well. It was not horrible, but not great. The likelihood I will jump into the sack with anyone is pretty low. That is even making the assumption that I even like this guy when I meet him in person. He could turn out to be a jerk. Or maybe he is a nice guy that I am just not interested in. Or maybe I will like him, but not be interested in dating him. Either way, I am not going to fall for the first guy who is nice to me or is physically attractive.
The bottom line is T and I are NOT back together. Every day that passes it become more clear that we are not going to be. Not ever.
Every day my heart breaks a little more. I don't see any end.
K and I have been divorced for almost 2 years and I still consider her mother, my mother-in-law. As far a mother-in-laws go, she is a pretty good one. From the very first day I met K, her mother (Let's call her "Mary") was nice to me. I get hugs when I see her. She remembers things going on in my life. When my dad was alive, but in poor health, she always asked him and prayed for him at church. She asked about my mom too.
Mary is a excellent cook. She makes up recipes on the fly and they are (almost) always wonderful. She remember the ones I like and will make them when I come to visit. She does not know how to cook low fat. She makes real, old fashioned comfort food.
She is pretty good with the kids. She is not perfect, but she makes a point to take them to movies when she sees them. She talks to the older ones and listens to what they have to say.
When K told her parents I am gay and we were divorcing, Mary didn't treat me any differently. As K and I went through our slow motion divorce, she was just a nice to me as she always was. The only difference is that now she would ask me about T. When K and AJ got married, T and I were invited. We sat at the table with K's parents and sister. Mary made a point to talking to T quite a bit. She went out of her way to be nice to him, when she didn't have to. It was really sweet.
I really fucking hate my mother-in-law.
Seriously.
I cannot stand the woman. Every time I see her I want to punch her in the face. I want to scream, "WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM WOMAN????"
Why am I so hostile? It's simple really.
She treats K like shit.
And I hate her for it.
It really is that simple. I have been watching it for nearly 25 years. and it is always the same. I am not going into any details here, but it did not take me long to start seeing the things I didn't like. I still see them today. In some respects they have gotten worse. AJ does not quite see them yet, but he will. Since they live far away, it will take him longer. He eventually he will see it.
T's mother is nice to me too. She is also a good cook. She likes getting me to try new Vietnamese foods. Honestly, I think T's whole family really likes watching me try new things, well, new for me anyway. She remembers the things I like and when there are leftover will often pack them up and send home with me so I can have them the next day. (Oddly enough, it never taste quite as good when I eat it at my house.)
Generally when I come into the house she smiles warmly, unless she is busy with something. Her English is not very good, but she sometimes will make an effort to talk to me directly. She is not used to speaking English at home and I can tell it not easy to pull the words from her memory. I appreciate the effort. She is trying to make me feel welcome in her home. Trying to draw in the outsider. It's a nice gesture she did not have to do, but she does.
I don't like T's mom either. Not one little bit. I don't like the way she treats T. I think she is ruining T's life and his chance at happiness. I think she is demanding that T live his life on her terms and not his. I think she says she want's him to be happy, but really only if he can be happy doing what she wants him to do. Otherwise, he puts on a happy face and that's good enough for her.
T is a gay man. She cannot accept what that means. My heart breaks for T that he has to live in that prison. He hides in his work, his garden and his television. His house is beautiful. It's still a prison.
My heart breaks for his sister. So scared to come out even as an otherwise successful adult in her 40's. She is very attractive, cute, smart, funny, and I'm sure there are many women who would love to meet her. If only she were not stuck in her own prison. With her work and Korean soap operas as her only escape.
I love T and I care about his sister and the whole thing just pisses me off.
I spend a lot of time with my kids. I make no apologies for that.
I do not accept the premise that my responsibility to my children is analogous to T's responsibilities to his parent's and sisters. My children are, well, children. I am their father and they are dependent on me for all the things that children are depend on their fathers for when they are still children. The fact that I am gay and divorced from their mother changes nothing. The youngest person in T's house is 40. They are all adults who are perfectly capable of taking care of themselves. In due course, my children will grow up and become less dependent on me. Eventually, they will become adults and move out on their own.
Don't take any of this to minimize how important T's family is to him. They are very important. For the 35+ years he was in the closet, they were there for him. When he had some very dark days before I met him, they were there for him. When the communist took over Vietnam, they were there for him and got him (and everyone else) out. So, it's not that I don't appreciate where he is coming from. I'm just saying that the needs of his parents and adult sisters are not the same as minor children.
The last thing to consider is AJ. AJ lives in the same house as my kids. I need to be present enough and active enough in their lives to make sure the kids see me as not only their father but their dad. I do not want any of them ever coming to me asking what I think about them changing their last name to match AJ's.
So having said all that, is the time I spend with the children a choice? It takes at lot of my time. It interferes with everything and it makes it much harder for me to do the things I want to do for myself. But is this really a choice? I'm not so sure it is. I suppose it is a consequence of the choice to have children, but I don't think it's a choice now. No more than going to work in the morning is a choice. I do make a choice to be accommodating to K's schedule, but really I do that because, in the long run, it makes it better for the kids, and my relationship with them.
But why do I have to go over to K's all the time to be with them? Why do I hang out there until 9:00, 4 or 5 nights a week. Is because I just like to be around her? Is it because of the free food at her house? Is it because I am so used to doing what she says and making her a priority that I just do it? Am I afraid of upsetting her? Is it because the internet is faster at her house?
Nope. All of these are wrong. Well, actually her internet service is faster, but mine is fast enough.
I think children need a consistent home. They need a home that is theirs where everything is familiar and feels like home. While my kids used to live in my house, my house is not that home any more. With my agreement, K has created that for them at her house. It is better for them and better for me for me to come to K's house as often as I can to maintain my relationship with the kids as a ACTIVE and HANDS ON father.
My house has a roommate living there. He is a nice enough guy and my kids like him, but he is not family. I don't even consider him a friend. He is actually my third roommate (fourth if you count the kid I had to throw out) in the past 2 years. A parade of three strangers in my house is not exactly the stable home environment I want for my kids. I do not have a roommate because I am lonely, I need the rent money to help pay the mortgage.
So what would happen if I had a real partner. What if T had offered to move in with me? How would things be different? I think things would be drastically different.
T and I would have made a home there. We could make a home for the children there. The children could have that stable, familiar home there. Then the idea of having the kids stay with me every other week, or some other arrangement, a lot more plausible.
You see? Even though my current situation is that I am at K's house most nights until late, that is not what I want long term. It's just what I have to live with right now.
I don't just want a partner to come home to at night. I don't just want a warm body to sleep with at night. If I had a partner to make a home with, make a life with, I would make make different choices about my situation. I would push K to change the way we share the custody of the kids. That would, of course, spark some conflict. K would not want to give up that time with the kids under her roof. There would be a consequence to that choice, but, I think it would be manageable.
I'm sure it would be worth it.
If you have seen the link over to T's blog you know that once again, T and I have changed our relationship status. We are not boyfriends / partners anymore. Some of the readers on his side have had some... well.... interesting comments. T posted his perceptions of what finally caused us to be over. I feel like I need to get some thought out so I am going to put them here, in no particular order.
One of the things that K told me when we were going through our slow motion divorce, "Every choice has a consequence." She is right. Choose to leave the marriage or stay. Either choice has a consequence. I could have continued to live in the closet or come out. Either choice has a consequence.
T and I have made choices too. T has made a choice to put his family before me. It's not cultural. He has four siblings who are married. They each put their spouses first, as they should. This does not mean that T does not love me. I know that he does. It does not make him a bad guy. He is a wonderful man. It just means he made a choice and that choice has a consequence. (I will discuss this more in the next post.)
If he wanted to, he could have chosen to spend more time with me. I have never asked him to abandon his family. Choosing to spend more time with me, however, would have created conflict with his mother because she would not have approved. Conflict with his mother would have upset everyone else in his house. So choosing to spend more time with me or not, is a choice. Choices have consequences.
I made a choice about what I want in my life. I liked being married. I liked that kind of a relationship. I have no interest in the "freedom" of the single life. But I also don't just want someone waiting at home for me. I want someone to do things with me. K and I did everything together. We were a couple. If ever I was seen with out her, people would ask, "Where is K?" T and I were not going to have that. We were not together enough. We were not a couple like that and it was not on the horizon. As my frustration grew with no end in sight, I made a choice that I could not continue this way forever. It was time for us to break up. That was a choice and that choice has a consequence.
And here we are.
I don't know if anyone expected me to feel a weight lifting off my shoulders now that I am "free" to seek what I want with someone else. Was I supposed to feel better? I don't. Not even a little. I think in some ways I feel worse. I didn't want to be with just anyone. I wanted to be with T.
I need to accept that it's just not going to happen.
That's going to take some time.
--------------------
In part 2, I am going to address the many comments about how much time I spend with the kids.
I have roommate. Well, a housemate really. Let's call him "Fred". I rent a room in my house to this guy. I met him randomly. He posted an ad on Craigslist looking for a room for himself and his dog. He is straight, older and not very attractive. He is, however, very gay-friendly. His dog is a beautiful 4 year old husky. She is a little high strung but otherwise well behaved.
He actually has a pretty good deal. He pays a flat rent that includes everything. My mortgage is pretty reasonable so it's a good deal for me too. Aside from the money, it's a good deal for him, because he basically has use my whole house, except the other bedrooms.
Over the past month I have been working a lot. Long hours at the office. When I am at K's house, I am often working there. When I am at home, I sometimes work in the office I have set up in the extra bedroom across the hall from mine until 1 or 2 in the morning.
The other day, I came home for about 5 minutes before heading out again. Fred was making dinner for himself. He was trying to make conversation as I was heading for the door. Normally I would stop and engage him, but today I was in a hurry.
"You work too much! You should stay home and relax more." He said as I closed the door.
I drove away thinking about it. Between work and keeping track of my kids, it is very common for me to leave my house at 6:30am and not return until after 9:30pm. I guess I do work too much.
But why not? I mean, it's not like I have any reason to go home, right? There's nothing there for me. It's just a building where I keep my stuff. There is no one home who misses me. There is no one there who cares if I am there or not.
There is nothing there to make it a home.
I was talking to T last night. He is worried about my well being. He asked me if I wanted him to come a visit me on Wednesday and stay the night. My answer to that question is always the same. "Of course. I always want you to come."
"What would you like to do?" he asked.
"I don't know. Anything is fine." I said. "I guess I need to see what K's work or school schedule is like."
"When she is done with school in December, it should be better, right?" He asked.
"I don't know that either." I replied. "It might be worse. She might work nights because it pays better."
"She will have to work it out with you."
"HA!" I chuckled. "It does not work that way. She works the hours she wants to and I adapt. I get whatever shit is left over. That's just how it works."
Then I thought about that for a moment. "Damn it! It's just one more person who fucking puts me at the back of the line. I always get the scraps."
Is it so much to ask to have someone in my life who puts me first? Where I am the first person they ask before they do something, rather than the last person? Why can't I have that? Why is that soooo hard.
I don't think this is helping my feelings of depression at all.
Maybe I need to get a dog.
It has been over a month since my last post. It has been hard to get motivated to write anything.
I had a great time on vacation with my kid and seeing my family. I came back feeling energized. Over the past few weeks, something has changed. I have been feeling myself slipping into a depression. I feel alone. Isolated. I have had bad days here and there before, but this sustained melancholy is not a feeling I am used to.
I like things that make sense. I like identifiable cause and effect. I can't put my finger on anything that has changed significantly in my life to cause this.
I'm taking a new medication. I checked several sources online and none of them list depression as a side effect.
I have been having a lot of stress at work lately. There is more work than I can do and I have been putting in a lot of extra hours. On the other hand, they have approved to hiring an assistant for me, which will help a lot. Also I have talked to several people in the head office, including higher up bosses and I know that I am highly respected and everyone is happy with my work. While I take some pride in that, there is no joy in it.
My situation with T is unchanged. I am still hopeful that one day he will want to live with me. That he will suddenly come to realize his desire to be with me is stronger than his fear of any fallout and he will want us to be together like real partners, maybe even husbands. I know deep down, it's really just wishful thinking on my part. It's probably never going to happen. Definitely not while his parents are alive. (They are both in excellent health for their age and I hope they stay that way.)
But this is not new. This is status quo for us. While it's still frustrating, why should it be bothering me more now than any other time?
Tonight I am at K's house. She is working over night at the hospital. AJ is gone this weekend moving his daughter into her college apartment. He took my older boys with him to help out. They will be back on Monday. It's is cold here tonight. Not freezing cold, but cold for North Carolina in August. It has been raining all day. Dreary. Miserable.
I can hear the kids in the next room. They are playing some online game on the X-box. It sounds like they are having fun. (Honestly, I am just glad they are not fighting with each other.) I am sitting in the TV room. The TV is off. The lights are off. There is light coming in from outside. It will start to get dark soon. I probably will not get up to turn on the lights. But just sit here in the dark.
These are the times I wish I had T here to comfort me. I wish he was here to hold me so I could cry and get whatever this is inside me, out. I wish he would hold me in his arms and tell me everything was going to be OK and make me feel safe. To tell me I didn't have to be alone anymore that I did not have to face whatever this is myself.
But he is not here. He is at a wedding where he was invited to sing. I don't know who's wedding. A friend of his family I suppose. He is probably there with his sister and his parents. Honestly, I am not sure and I don't think he told me. If he did, I don't remember. I didn't get invited anyway, so it's doesn't really matter, does it?
He is signing for the happy couple. He is singing in celebration of their love.
I'm sitting alone in the dark.
Hi, everybody!!
I have not written for a while because I have been on vacation. For the first time in my career, I took a 2 week vacation. And it was GREAT! I live far away from most of my family, so this was one of those vacations where you go and visit them.
I was prepared to drive, but my mother offered to buy airplane tickets for me and the kids. Taking 4 kids between 17 and 9 on an airplane (with a connection) with only one adult sounds like it could be a nightmare, but it wasn't. The kids were great!!
We flew up on a Thursday. K and AJ were leaving the next day and were going to visit his family in a neighboring state for a few day before meeting up with me and the kids. We would be in town together for five days before K and AJ started home with me and kids following two days later. So, basically on a nearly two week vacation, I would have the kids by myself 2/3 of the time. And even when K and I were in town together, the kids stayed with me and at my mothers house.
K, meanwhile, drove to AJ's parent's house together without kids. They hung around there taking romantic lighthouse and wine tasting tours. It must have been nice for them to have that time together. Especially since their relationship has been some what strained.
Now if any of this sounds like I am complaining, I'm not. I have taken the kids on similar trips for the past few years on my own. It's not nearly as difficult as you might think it is. Yes, there is the normal sibling squabbling, but that's manageable for me. In fact, I was looking forward to this trip for weeks before we left. I knew we would have a great time. And we did!!
There were 2 times when I made an off hand comment about how nice it was that K was having this alone time without the kids. Once to her sister when I was hanging out at her house. And another time to AJ when we were all at JCPenny getting family portraits done (which is a blog post in itself). I said in a semi-joking manner as if I was jealous. These got back to K and she ASSUMED I was upset about being "stuck" with the kids while she got to be alone with AJ. She in turn got angry and defensive because she thought I was upset, which I wasn't.
In the middle of a family lunch she started to go off on me. It took me completely by surprise. She stopped before getting out of hand. We talked about it privately and I told her she had it all wrong. I was having a great trip and me and the kids were having a great time.
Now the question, why did she assume I was upset? Because if our places were reversed, she would be. If T and I were on vacation and she was with the kids all the time, there would be a heavy price to pay. If T and I stayed alone in a hotel and K had to sleep on an air mattress on the floor of her mother's house with the kids, it would eat at her soul. If T and I were wine tasting and she was at Chuck E. Cheese, she would spend every minute seething about it, as if she were being abused in some way. "How nice that you get to (insert wonderful thing here)..." she would say with her special brand of sarcasm.
For this trip, I did exactly nothing for myself. Everything revolved around what the kids wanted to do. What we did, where we slept, what we ate. Everything. I had wanted to visit an old college buddy, but that didn't happen. There was no time for me to do it. But where K would have been resentful, I was delighted. Every time one of the kids said, "Thanks Dad for taking us (insert wonderful thing here)" I was happy. I was building memories with my kids that they would not forget. Years from now they will they will talk about the time dad took us to (insert wonderful place here). That is important to me.
That's the difference between me and her.
The only touch of sadness I had during the trip, was this constant nagging that I wanted T to be there with me. I wanted him to be part of those memories too. Not just in my memory or his, but in my kids. I want them to stop thinking of him as Mr. T and just T. I wanted him to play in the surf with my daughter. I wanted to hear my youngest son yell, "T!! T!! WATCH ME DO A BACK FLIP!!"
I wanted him to flop on my mother couch after the kids were all in bed. Exhausted, but the kind of exhausted feeling that comes from the superest, most funnest day ever. Where all we had the energy to do was look at each other and smile.
Maybe next year.
If any of you have ever read T's blog, you will know that sometimes he has an... um.... imaginative sense of humor. Since he was not raised here in the US, sometimes I do not get his humor right away, but eventually I come around.
I know T thinks he is quite funny, but others do too. When he is with other Vietnamese people I don't know what they are saying, but everyone laughs when he tells his jokes.
People like being around him. I don't think it's just because he can be silly. He is genuine and warm. I think people can tell that. He means well no matter what he s doing. Even when we was turning me gay, his heart was in the right place.
Next week I am going on vacation with the kids. K and AJ will be with us part of the time, but half the time it will be me and the kids. I really want T to come with me. I know it is not realistic for him to be away from his business for the nearly 2 weeks we will be gone, but it would be soooo nice.
Of course I want him to be with me just because I want him to be with me. I always want that. For this trip there is more. For this trip, we are visiting family. We are going to see my mom, my sister and her family. We will be seeing K's parents, her sister and her family. The kids will get to play with all the cousins. K's family will get to know AJ as part of her family.
Most of my family has only met T very briefly. Over dinner. Or at K's wedding. My mom and sister know more about T from this blog than any personal interactions they have had with him. It would have been nice for my family (including K's family who I still consider "my in-laws") to get to know T. To discover his silly side. To laugh at his jokes and build a memory picture of him through actual experiences.
I know this year it is simply not in the cards.
I am hopeful for next year.
I worked all day today. K worked too. The kids are out of school for the summer. My older 2 boys are fine left on their own. My daughter went to day camp. My youngest son came to work with me. I usually work alone in my office so there was not problem bringing him with me. I set up him in the conference, connecting his laptop to the big screen monitor that we usually use for video conferencing across the Atlantic Ocean.
When the day was over I took him back to K's house and I did some work while I waited for her to come home with my daughter. I was just getting into a work groove, when the doorbell rang. Ugh. K's f-ing dogs when crazy and would not stop barking.
Once I got the dogs under control (I was afraid they would eat who ever was at the door.) I looked up to see a very young and cute Asian kid. I'm guessing he was early 20's. He was slim, with a muscular chest clearly visible under this too tight cotton t-shirt. He wore Khaki shorts and a name tag with this picture that said, "Joshua."
He thought I was AJ, who he has spoken to last week. It turns out he was selling something he claimed would make the kids do better in school and make doing their homework faster.
Joshua: If I could show you something to help your kids do better in school, you would want to know more about that, right?
Me: I guess so. You know, you'd have better luck if you took off your shirt.
Joshua: I'm sorry. What?
Me: What? Oh... Nothing. Honestly my ex-wife usually deals with school type stuff. Maybe you could come back tomorrow afternoon and talk to her about it.
Joshua: OK. Then I'll come back tomorrow.
And with that he turned and walked away.
(Mostly) true story.
Rob over at Below the Radar wrote a posting the other day about something he calls "Life Inertia". Kind of got me thinking about my situation.
I am in a situation where I often feel like I am being swept by currents I cannot quite control and I cannot seem to break free from. And there is some stuff that I would not really want to break from, but some more flexibility would be nice.
I spend a lot of time at K's house with the kids. I must spend 70% of my non-working / sleeping time there. It's getting worse lately. K has been working more so I need to be other there more. I do value the time with the kids, there is not a lot left over for me.
When I do have time to myself, I either go see T or I sit home, alone and do nothing. By the time I get home I am so drained, I don't feel like doing anything. Even this blog has suffered over the past months. When I started I used to post most every day. Now I am lucky if I can manage to write something once a week.
I need more friends. I just can't seem to get motivated to meet anyone or invest the time in getting to know people.
In a lot of ways, my life has not changed much from when I was married. There I was carried along by the currents of married life. I was stuck in a straight marriage, pretending to be straight, and doing what was expected of me. I am doing pretty much the same thing today.
Of course, my life is better in a lot of ways. I am out and no longer hiding. I have a boyfriend who loves me. They say being divorced gives a freedom to start over. I don't think I have started over. I think I am still caught in the inertia of my old life.
What ever the "gay lifestyle" is, I don't think I am living it yet. I am not sure I ever will.
I got unfriended today.
Well, more accurately, I discovered I was unfriended today. It may have actually happened up to a few weeks ago.
It was someone I admired, but had not talked to in a while. I don't know what I did to make him take this step. I'm quite sure, whatever it was I didn't mean any harm. I hope it was not my silence that drove him to kick me out. I'd like to say it was no big deal and I really don't care that much, but that would be a lie. It does, in fact, hurt a little.
In any case, whatever his reason. I wish him and his family well.
Jake and I have been together for a year. He really is a great guy. We love each other very much and I love being with him. We met through a mutual friend and the connection was clear from the beginning.
Jake is has been out and proud since he was a teenager. His family is accepting and they love me. My mom and sister have taken a liking to Jake too. They don't like him as much as they liked T, but it's still pretty good. Jake is really good with my kids and they all like him. I have been so happy about the way we have merged into each other families.
Not everything is perfect. There is a tension between Jake and K that I don't really understand. It seems to me that K treats him like anyone else, but Jake still feel uncomfortable going over to her house. I suppose K is an acquired taste and since I have known he for so long I am used to her quirks.
Jake works as an accountant for one of the major banks in the city. He has a regular 9 - 5 schedule and only occasionally brings work home with him.
About 2 months ago, Jake and I took the plunge and he moved into my house. It was really a sacrifice, for him. He has a condo within walking distance from his office, and now he has to brave the rush hour traffic every day. I know he did it for me. He did it so I could still be close to my kids. It was important to keep the house my kids are familiar with. Where they have friends in the neighborhood and where they could ride the school bus to if they wanted (or needed) to come here after school.
It has been wonderful for me to have him with me. On the nights I am home when he gets back from work, we cook dinner together, we will watch TV together after. Sometimes we will sit and the table and work on our respective homework together.
At the end of the day we will go up to bed. After a love making session we will lay together in the dark talking about whatever is going on that day before drifting off to sleep.
Some nights, however, I am not home. Actually, a lot of nights. I am often at K's house looking after the kids. She has finished nursing school and found a job at the local hospital. She works nights, so I have to be there for the kids. Occasionally, I stay home and let AJ deal with the kids, but I feel strongly they are my responsibility to care for and not his. They are my kids and I am not going to relinquish my parenting responsibilities to anyone. Especially while they are still young.
Unfortunately, this is becoming a stress point for Jake. Several nights a week after braving the nightmare traffic, he comes home to an empty house. He will either make dinner for himself or he will grab take out on the way home. I get home late after getting the kids to bed. Sometimes as late as 10:00. By that time he he getting ready for bed after having spent the evening alone.
"Why did you ask me to move in here if you are going to be gone all the time?" he asks.
"Baby, you know I have responsibilities to my kids. You have always known that would take up a chunk of my time." I tell him. "When they are older it will be less and I will have more time for us. I know you don't like being home alone, but you could come with me you know."
He rolls his eyes. We have had this discussion before. "Jim, you know I love your kids, but I do not want to hang out ever night at your ex-wife's house. After work I want to go home and relax. I am so uncomfortable there, I can't relax until we get home and by then it's bed time."
"I know honey. I'm sorry." It's all I can say. I can't really change the situation. I am kind of stuck.
"Not to mention the tension between K and AJ is ridiculous." he continues. "It's like they have this cold war going on. I don't know how you deal with it, but I just don't want to be there. I'm sorry."
He rolls over in bed facing away from me, clearly frustrated. I spoon up next to him and put my arm around him. He holds my hand.
"Jim, I love you and we are so good together, but I hate being alone all the time. I know you can't pull away from your kids, and I would never ask you to, but for me this is sucking."
I don't know what to say. I kiss him on the back of the neck continue to hold him. We have had this conversation several times in the past month. I cannot think of anyway to lessen the time I have to take care of the kids, and I cannot think of a way to make him more comfortable coming with me.
I can tell by Jake's breathing he had fallen asleep. I roll on to my back. As I stare at the spinning ceiling fan I think about my relationship with T. I hated sleeping alone most every night. I didn't like that this parents, while they liked me, never really accepted our relationship on the same level as his straight siblings. I thought about how much time he had to devote to his business. How he rarely took a day off to spend with me, much less a vacation. On his regular days off, he always had things to do. Might be family things, church things, business things, or work in that stupid garden. But there was always something he was doing.
I know that T loved me. And there was no question that I loved him. And I still do. One thing I had not really considered when we were together, was that all the time that T spent doing other things, allowed me to maintain the strong relationship I have with my children. We both had things that kept up apart. His intervening priorities, made it possible for me to spend all day Saturday with my kids. And most Sundays.
As much as I wanted a "real" partner to live with me and be with me all the time. To do all the things that "normal" couples do together, it seems I am not quite ready for it. It seems like I was rushing to make something happen before it was supposed to. And now things with Jake are not working out the way either of us envisioned.
When T and I broke up for the last time, he warned me this would happen. He warned me someone else would make the same demands on me that I was making on him. He would want the time I have set aside for my kids. He would not like being home alone waiting for me to come home after I get the kids to bed.
Deep down I know this relationship with Jake is not going to work out for the long haul. I know eventually he will tire of being second to my kids. He will feel he deserves better, that he should be the center of my world. Something I simply cannot do. At least not until my kids are grown. I doubt he will wait that long and he will leave. I guess this is one of those times when a dream does not quite match up with reality.
T would have stuck by me for the long term. Even though I disliked his schedule and priorities, there was something oddly complimentary about them. They fit with mine. Even though I hated being apart from him, when we were together, it was like magic between us. We fit perfectly together (in more ways than one, wink wink.). If I had waited, had been more patient things would have eventually come together for us.
I hear Jake snoring softly. I glanced at the clock. 1:34 am. I could tell this was going to be another long sleepless night.
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This fantasy occurred only in my head. It reminds me that even though my relationship with T is not perfect, and his situation does not allow for the partnership I dream about, mine does not either. It reminds me to be patient. It reminds me to be grateful for the love I have found. It reminds me that I have the partner I want. It reminds me that I simply cannot imaging being with anyone else, regardless of the situation. It reminds me that, on balance, I am happy with the love I have and I want to hang on to it for a long, long time.
Between May and November of last year I lost more than 40 pounds. I was so sure I was going to maintain that loss, I donated all my fat clothes to charity. It was 4 or 5 garbage bags of clothing. Since November I have put most of that weight back on. It's is just so hard to stay on it once you fall off the wagon.
Last night T invited me to dinner with his family. His dad also made a point of making sure I was invited. Usually when I meet them for a dinner out, they will go to casual places. Places you can show up wearing shorts and a t-shirt. Not this time. They were going out to a fancy place in the city to celebrate the closing on the new building. (T bought a second building so he can open a second office. He believes having 2 office will allow him more free time than just one. That's a story for another post.)
In my job I usually work from home and only interact with co-workers via Skype or cell phone so there is no reason for me to dress up for work. T told me I had to dress nicer for this dinner. I tried on my nice pants and while I could button them, they were way too tight. I need to get a pair of fat pants. *sigh*
On my way to meet T in the city, I bought a new pair of pants and a belt. I found the restaurant, got the valet to take my car, and just then T and his family arrived. We walked in, sat down as a big family. I sat in the middle of the table with T on one side and his youngest sister on the other.
The dinner was delicious. Appetizers were just okay, but the dinner itself was fantastic. I had a good time, feeling like a part of the family.
When dinner was over, T rode with me back to his house. It was just after dark, we walked around his yard a little looking at plants and inspecting landscape lighting before going inside. I saw his sister was already changed into more comfortable clothes. I poked around into the cupboard looking for the stash of chocolates T keeps in there. I got the feeling I was home. You know that feeling when you go do something special with your family and then everyone goes back home and slips back into normalcy? That was the feeling I had and it was really nice.
T changed into his comfortable clothes we snuggled together on the couch watching TV. He was holding me with my head on his chest. I could hear his heart beating as I briefly drifted off to sleep. I woke about 20 min later and realized it was time for me to go home.
I loved being with him and I loved I was able to cuddle with him a little. As always, though, I hated leaving. I wanted him to take me to bed and hold me all night long. But that was not going to happen.
I drove home, and though I have love in my heart, I went to bed alone.
A few years ago I wrote about a guy that used to leave near me. His name is "Steve". Steve is GGAAYY. I met him nearly 10 years ago and I knew in 5 seconds he is gay. Honestly, his behaviors are a gay stereotype. When I met him he was married... to a woman. He had three children. One from his first wife (who died from a complication of childbirth) and 2 from his current wife (current at the time anyway).
K and I used to have Steve and his wife over to our house quite a bit. Our kids played with their kids and we all liked hanging out together. I always believed Steve to be gay, but despite his mannerisms, he talked like a semi-homophobic religious type.
Eventually his wife caught him with a man and their marriage fell apart into a HUGE mess. When he eventually came out to me, I could not even act surprised. I told him not only did I know, but I gave me an opportunity to come out to him too. I had not met T at this point. Steve and I never did anything physical but it was really nice to have someone to talk to who understood where I was coming from.
For a while, Steve engaged in a lot of risky behavior. He had a lot of anonymous hook ups facilitated by Craigslist. While he was in that mode I mostly lost touch with him. I had enough contact to know his version of the gay lifestyle was not for me. I also knew his relationship with his ex-wife was poisonous for for both them and their kids.
Fast forward a couple of years. Over the past 6 months I have meet up with Steve and his new partner named "Alex" a few times. Steve is 38 and Alex is 26 but in a lot of ways I think Alex has this shit together a lot more than Steve. He is more sensible and I think that the relationship has been really good for Steve.
A couple of weeks ago, they invited me to a party to celebrate Alex's college graduation. After saying I would go, I had to back out at the last minute. I offered to take them out to dinner to make up for it. I had that dinner last week.
I met them at their new place. Until about a month ago, they had officially been living separately, but I think Alex had quite a few sleepovers. Now they share a home. Steve moved into Alex's single wide trailer and in the past month they have done a lot of renovations themselves. They added windows, moved walls, installed a fireplace and built a back porch. It really was impressive what they did together.
After they showed me around we went out to dinner. While the food was good, the service was very slow. I was OK with me since the the conversation was nice. I was impressed to see how this relationship with Alex had brought structure to Steve's life. I think Alex added actual meaning to Steve's life. A reason not to self destruct in the face of his crazy ex-wife.
It was clear they were in love. It was clear they were 2 people living as one. They were partners in everything.
This is the life I want for T and me. This is the live I dream about.
In a strange blog twist, I posted this picture last week saying that T and I have never been dressed up together. Well now we have been. Who knew? (When I wrote the previous post I didn't know the dress code for the party.)
When the guests started to arrive, T and his siblings all had jobs to do. They had worked it out in advance. One would act as the MC and coordinate the band and make sure the guests knew what to do. Two of them maintained oversight of the kitchen and keeping the food hot and replenished. T and the other siblings were in charge of greeting guests as they arrive and showing them to their assigned tables.
I hung out at the back of the room near the main entrance. I wanted to be near T. I maintained some distance so I would not be in the way. I liked watching T as he greeted the people coming in. He was so warm and friendly. It made me think that when we are living together we should have dinner parties. T is a good host.
Most of the people were distant relatives or friends of his parents. People I would likely never see again, so I didn't mind he did not introduce me to most of them. But there were a few he did. Once was an older woman he has known for many years. One of his closest friends. He has told her about me and our relationship.
"This is Jim. My boyfriend." he said. "I know" she said with a smile towards me.
I smiled and filled up with happiness.
While I did have a seat assignment, I made the decision that I was not going to sit in it. I was going to stay with T. I was going be there if he needed to do anything. More importantly, I was going to be near the man I love. I was a little worried that he might want me to sit so as not to get anyone gossiping about us. But it never happened. I stayed by his side through the entire night.
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A whole bunch of other things happened that night.
While I was stand there one of T's sisters came over and handed me some cards. "Hold these. I think there is money in them." And she hurried away. I tucked them into my jacket. This continued as people arrived. I was handed all the cards and envelopes that guests brought.
T has another close friend. T describes him as being like a brother. I have seen him several times at T's house. He has always been nice and friendly. Tonight he was in charge of photography. He took a million pictures. At one point he came a took a picture of T and I. We stood next to each other and smiled. Snap! Later he came back. I was holding a water bottle, but T put his arm around me. Snap! Later he came back a third time. This time we stood close and both put our arms around each other. Snap! Each picture made me a little bit happier.
I was one of 4 white guys at the party. T's niece is married to a white guy. He was working as the bar tender for the event. The other two are T's CPA and his lawyer. I also made the observation that I was the tallest guy in the room. (I am 5' 10")
Since I spent most my time standing in the back of the room. In my suit. T's sister, the one that kept handing me checks, joked that I looked like a Secret Service agent. All I needed was an ear piece sticking out of my jacket. I thought that was funny. I mentioned it to T and he thought it was funny too.
At the end of the night T again greeted everyone as they were leaving. I stood nearby. Most of the people ignored me, but occasionally someone would shake my hand and thank me. I thought that was a little strange since I had not really done anything. I smiled and thanked them for coming. One elderly gentleman came to me and said, "You have done a great job with security." At first I was not sure if he was joking, but I don't think he was. "Thank you, sir." I replied. Once we were alone, I told T about it and we both laughed together.
Staying with him for the evening and in public was special. I felt like we were there together, not just there at the same time. I told him so and thanked him. He opened himself up to some uncertainty in how people would react. I wanted him to know that I appreciated it.
Once the last guest left they wanted to have a large group picture. All of T brothers and sister. Wives, husbands, grandchildren. I figured I would not be asked to join in so stayed in my place by the door. But again I was surprised. I was asked to join, not only by T but several of his siblings. I stood next to T behind his parents, in the middle of the picture. I was very happy. I noticed the only 2 white people in the shot was me and T's niece's husband. I told T that someday people will see the picture and ask why the security guy and the bar tender were in the family picture.
I fulfilled my "security guy" persona one last time that evening. Everyone was a flurry of activity breaking down the event. There was a lot of stuff that needed to be removed form the church and loaded into cars. Lot's on mini-vans and SUVs packed to the gills with stuff. What did I take in my car? I took all the stuff from the gift table, of course. Who else would you trust with all the portability valuable gifts people brought for T's parents?
So as you can see, this night was a tremendous success for me. T's mother made a point of thanking me for all my help and it was clear to me she was happy I was there. T and I drove back to his house to unload all the stuff. when it was done, my car was blocked in so we sat next to each other by his koi pond.
It had been a long night. We were both tired. My feet hurt. I was very happy.
