Monday, February 7, 2011


I don't usually comment on comments, but when I do comment on comments, I always make a point to say I usually don't comments on comments so people won't make comments expecting me to comment back.  Now that that's out of the way, I have been thinking I may not have my life as worked out as I like to think.

In a comment on my last post Biki said, "Good luck, and remember, you are trying to untie yourself from K, not make more strings...

Is that really what I am trying to do?  Maybe my concerns are not really about the kids at all, maybe they are about losing K.  After all she has been a constant in my life for 20 years and we are resolved to remain best friends.  It is probably normal that I would not want to distance myself from her.

Four people, including T, have told me that my (our) plan to stay connected is not a good one.  They are telling me that I should be working to make myself more independent and separate from K. 

I need to think about this more before I have much more to say.  But as I am thinking, I have to remember something.  With only 2 or 3 exceptions, everyone, and I mean EVERYONE K has told that we are divorcing because I am gay, has told her she is crazy for letting me continue to live here.  That she is crazy for not kicking me out and hiring a scumbag lawyer the first day she found out I had "turned gay".  They said she was stupid for not suing the shit out of me.  Some even suggested that she should cut me off from my kids.

Now considering that I live Baptist central (the road connecting the major airport to the interstate is "Billy Graham Parkway") it would not have been hard for her to such a lawyer.  In a state where judges are elected and the more Conservative ones tend to get elected and re-elected, the odds are good she would get a judge that is less than sympathetic to a guy like me.

To her credit, she has rejected everyone of those suggestions.  Because we have a special relationship.  We have a special bond that seems to flow past this gay business.  I firmly believe that even given how much she has fallen in love with AJ, if he were to suddenly develop a hostility to me, she would end the relationship with him.  It would be a deal breaker for her.

All that said, maybe there is something to giving her (and me) more space than we are currently planning.  Maybe it will be better for all of us. 

It's late so there may be more typing mistakes than usual.  I need to sleep and think about this more.


T said...

I don't see your situation as untieing (?) or disconnecting from K. It is so difficult to have to physically separate yourself from loved ones. But, in your case, I'm just afraid that by staying together, the relationship between K and AJ will have a lot of strain and you will be blamed if it won't work out. More than that, you will hurt along the process.

Regardless, I think your and K's next step should be about telling the kids your secrets first. Then K and AJ should openly date. And they should involve the kids more in their activities. Then, all of you will be able to have a little taste of what to come.

Remember, we have had time to adjust. The kids have not.

I love you, Jim

Anonymous said...

The fact that K has ignored all the stupid advice regarding kicking you out and cutting you off from your kids is proof enough that your relationship is very special and you will not "lose" her if you let her go. That kind of love doesn't go away, even when you've both moved on in other ways.

TwoLives said...

What does K think? Does she feel restrained by your presence? If your living arrangement works for her and it works for you, why question it? It's really no one else's business, although AJ's and T's opinions certainly count. In time you will have a place of your own. My guess is you'll make that happen when the timing is right.

T said...

I think you need to read Jim's blog entry again. He doesn't want a place of his own. It's not about AJ's or mine opinions. K is not happy with the current situation, and Jim needs to deal with it. And he needs to make a wise decision so that it's best for him and his kids. He would do any thing to make K and the kids happy, which he should; but, doing that is not always the right thing to do, for him or for K and the kids. Whatever Jim decided to do, I'll be supportive. His decision shouldn't be because of me but because of what I advise him to do. He knows I am always right...:)))

Biki said...

I hope I didnt upset you with my "untie" comment. I just wanted you to look at things from a different prospective, from the way i was hearing what you were saying.

You and K have something special that I dont believe will ever wither away. But you both will need some breathing room to find out who you are, without each other. After being a couple for so long, we tend to lose some of ourselves into the land of "us".

jim said...

Biki, I was not upset at all. Considering different perspectives is what blogging is all about, right?

While I am not sure I agree, I appriciate your comment nonetheless.

Beartoast said...

For her and for you, there will need to be boundaries. You've got to un-enmesh from one another. And there will be more mourning to do.

That doesn't mean you won't be there for each other.

RB said...

It's interesting that almost every single person she has told about the reason for your divorce has suggested she kick you to the curb and beat the shit out of you. Sad commentary on how gays are still viewed. You're lucky she didn't.

Is it any wonder so many guys just stay married? A choice of two bad situations.