Saturday, February 26, 2011

Who The Hell Is That?

If you have spent any extended time in the closet pretending to be someone else, you probably reached a point where you became comfortable with it.  When you first looked in the mirror and saw that the reflection is not really you, it feels funny, strange.  But that just strengthens your resolve.  You don't really like the man you really are.  You want to be the man in the mirror.  You want to be someone else.

Over time you become good at pretending.  You might even believe that you are straight.  That you are like everyone else.  You have been ignoring the man in the mirror for so long by now, you actually think he is you.

As more time passes you realize that the man you see in the mirror is not you at all.  You realize that the man in the mirror is a stranger.  Someone you don't know.  Other people seem to know him, but not you.

Whether you know it or not, this is the last day you can stay in the closet.  You realize you cannot pretend anymore.  You realize you have to be the person you really are.

This is actually a familiar story to many of the people reading my blog or other blogs like it.   I have written about it myself, though not exactly in this way before.  

The reason I bring it up is that K experienced exactly the same thing, at the same time I was.  Her experience was different, she is sure of her sexual orientation, but really about her own happiness.

While K and I have always gotten along pretty well, we have not had a perfect marriage.  Then, I guess it was about seven years ago now, she let me explore my sexuality.  She let me connect with men online and in person for sex.  She knew what was going on, and she told me she was OK, but she was not.

She told me the other day that she was so unhappy back then, she figured that if she could make everyone else happy (me and the kids) then she would some how become happy too.  That is why she allowed me to explore when other wives would not.  She thought it would make me happy, which in turn would make her happy.


Now, today, she is finding her happiness with AJ.  I am finding mine with T.  She is looking in the mirror and suddenly recognizing the woman in the mirror.  What is more surprising to her is the fact that she got so used to seeing that strange woman in the mirror that she had hard time remember that her own happiness was just as important as everyone else's.

It was a rough road for both of us to get where we are today.  While we were in the most hellish part of it, there were times when we both thought it would be best to try to go back.  To put things back the way they were.  But now that we are each happy with the person we see in the mirror. there is no way we would go back.


jaysonstreet said...

Your grappling with your true identity, and then coming out to your wife and having her support your forays even for compromising reasons is rare and hopeful for many of the rest of us in the closet. Now you allude to looking in the mirror, each of you, and not wanting to go back. This means you have been transformed, and for the better. I admire and envy you, and look forward to where this takes you. I only just discovered your blog via a link to SC Guy and will link mine to yours too.

Best luck on this journey - you are much further along it than I am and I hope to learn from your experiences. Thanks for sharing them

SC Guy said...

The words you have writen fit so many of us. We are trying so hard to fit in and be "normal", the real person we are gets lost. I feel that sense of loss and the need to again find myself. It is a freightening yet necessary process.

I hope that future chapters of my story read like yours. I hope that my wife and I can both find happiness and stay good friends like you have. Right now it seems like a distant dream. You have proven it's possible. I hold out hope.

Biki said...

Ahh, the fake you in the mirror. How well I know that feeling, to the point if i catch myself unaware in a mirror, it takes me a bit to realize that its me.

My hubby and I are in the same place that you and K were, wanting each other to be happy at the exclusion of what would make ourselves happy. And so it goes.....