Monday, April 4, 2011

I Feel Like A Big Baby...

T and I kid around some, a lot actually.  Like all couples do.  We frequently lob good natured insults back and forth.  In general, I enjoy the playful banter.  I know that he is just kidding and he knows I am.

There is one topic that is an exception.  

A couple of weeks ago I wrote about going out for drinks with T and my boss at work, Mike.  Mike is not a bad guy, but I don't think he is remotely attractive (not that anyone would think I am eye candy).   Ever since that day, every time I bring up his name, T says that Mike likes me or that he is attracted to me.  Or something similar.  He never says I like Mike back, or that I think Mike is attractive, just that Mike likes me.

Tonight we had ones of those conversations.  I got upset, I told him I had to go work on something (which was true) and abruptly I hung up the phone.  I sat in my chair and I started to cry.  I am not a person who is usually prone to crying and here I was, sobbing like a baby.  What the hell is wrong with me?

I think he is kidding, but I am not sure.  I have asked him to stop, but he thinks I am too serious.  Too sensitive.  He might be right.

Sometimes, I feel like he is testing me.  As if he expects that one day I will take the bait and attempt to run off with someone who likes me.   If that is true, he may have just cause to feel that way.  A year ago I did just that.  I broke up with him in favor of a man who lives 2000 miles away who might have been able to live with me.

On the other hand, he may just be playing with me.  Good natured banter that I am just taking too seriously.

Maybe I was just having a bad day and this kidding pushed me over the edge.  

Maybe I am insecure and I worry he thinks I am looking to leave him again.

Maybe I was having a flashback to my getting teased in high school.

Maybe I am a jerk, who can dish out teasing but can't take it.

Either way, I feel crappy for making such a big deal about it and T feels bad for making me feel bad.

At the end of the day, despite these events, I love him more today than I did yesterday.  I still want to be his partner and (someday) his husband.  None of this changes that.  Nothing can change that.  My love continues, unconditionally.

I love only you, T.


T said...

Have I ever tested you before? tricked you before? You know better than anyone else that I am probably the most straight-forward person you've ever met. Do you think it's fair to compare the way I tease you with the way people teased you in high school? I have been crazy like this since the day we met. I'm sorry I made you sad. I will stop teasing you. To all Jim's readers, Jim doesn't have an onion field, and he doesn't make onion soup. I was just kidding around. I love you, too, Jim.

jim said...

I did make onion soup. It was supposed to be corn chowder, but I put way too many onions so it tasted like onion soup.

Anonymous said...

OR perhaps T just needs to push that button and have you validate him & stroke his ego that you only have eyes for him....all to often a subliminal "dance" that some insecure themselves will do.....

T said...

I'm going to be straight forward to you, too, Anonymous: WRONG! Do not add more insults with your projections. You don't know me; what you said was rude.

jim said...

I don't think T needs his ego stroked by me or anyone else.

Especially after sleeping on it, I am sure he is trying to be playful and stepped on a sensitive spot in my head.

johnmichael42003 said...

I have had days when words, even in a joking manner can make me feel bad to the point of tears.
It happens.
I hope you feel better.