T and I kid around some, a lot actually. Like all couples do. We frequently lob good natured insults back and forth. In general, I enjoy the playful banter. I know that he is just kidding and he knows I am.
There is one topic that is an exception.
A couple of weeks ago I wrote about going out for drinks with T and my boss at work, Mike. Mike is not a bad guy, but I don't think he is remotely attractive (not that anyone would think I am eye candy). Ever since that day, every time I bring up his name, T says that Mike likes me or that he is attracted to me. Or something similar. He never says I like Mike back, or that I think Mike is attractive, just that Mike likes me.
Tonight we had ones of those conversations. I got upset, I told him I had to go work on something (which was true) and abruptly I hung up the phone. I sat in my chair and I started to cry. I am not a person who is usually prone to crying and here I was, sobbing like a baby. What the hell is wrong with me?
I think he is kidding, but I am not sure. I have asked him to stop, but he thinks I am too serious. Too sensitive. He might be right.
Sometimes, I feel like he is testing me. As if he expects that one day I will take the bait and attempt to run off with someone who likes me. If that is true, he may have just cause to feel that way. A year ago I did just that. I broke up with him in favor of a man who lives 2000 miles away who might have been able to live with me.
On the other hand, he may just be playing with me. Good natured banter that I am just taking too seriously.
Maybe I was just having a bad day and this kidding pushed me over the edge.
Maybe I am insecure and I worry he thinks I am looking to leave him again.
Maybe I was having a flashback to my getting teased in high school.
Maybe I am a jerk, who can dish out teasing but can't take it.
Either way, I feel crappy for making such a big deal about it and T feels bad for making me feel bad.
At the end of the day, despite these events, I love him more today than I did yesterday. I still want to be his partner and (someday) his husband. None of this changes that. Nothing can change that. My love continues, unconditionally.
I love only you, T.
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