One of the things that I have learned in my journey, that sometimes things that look good are fraught with peril. I have also found that many times, the people we meet out here in the blogoshpere will pat us on the back and be cheerleaders when we might need some tough love.
I don't want to rain on anyone's parade, I really don't, but I am a black hat thinker by nature. I am cautious and I want things to go well. If I see an obstacle on the path and even if no one else seems to notice it, I will stop and point it out so it can be avoided. (more info on six thinking hats here)
So I have this friend. He is a fellow blogger, a little older than me, who has recently come out to his wife. He was scared before he came out to her and now that he has, he has found a woman that is totally accepting of him. He writes that their conversations about their marriage are better and deeper than they have been in a long time, if not better than they have ever been. He talks about their, formerly non-existent sex life, taking off and reaching new heights of passion and intimacy.
He still has challenges, to work through. She is not happy all the time, and even angry about some things. He is feeling better, mostly because he is no longer carrying around this secret (at least not form her) and she has accepted him enough to still want to work on the marriage.
I read his most recent entry and I think I may have written one like that myself. I'll have to go back and check.
There was a time when K and I thought it was best to work on our marriage. To re-commit ourselves in spite of the fact that I am a gay man and she is a straight woman. In the long run (and in hind sight) I think that attempt was a bad idea. Here's why:
- I was pushing myself back in the closet. Back to being un-genuine. While I was out to K, I was not going to be allowed to come out to anyone else. I was going to have to keep up the straight appearances. My dream of falling in love with a man and having he partner relationship that I wanted was suddenly crushed again.
- He (my friend) feels so much relief that his secret is out and he feels so much gratitude that she is accepting, in this moment of euphoria he feels deeper in love. This feeling will likely be temporary.
- In holding on the the straight marriage, it precluded the chance that I would fall in love with someone in the way that K was in love with me. Because I am gay, I did not have the ability to love her in the same way she loved me. Keeping in mind that I did, and continue to love her very, very much.
- Every time we (K and I) were together and I was "working" on the marriage, and especially the times when we had sex, I was giving her hope that this gay thing would just go away. False hope as it turns out. K was smart enough to know that you cannot wish away the gay. It does not work like that. By the time the reality of our situation dawned on us, she came to think it was almost cruel the way I kept her hanging on.
- It is possible that she (my friend's wife) is so desperate to keep her relationship as intact as she can, she will agree to almost anything and say it is OK. It may be OK for a while, but it may not last.
I am not staying that any of these things apply precisely to my blogger friend. I hope I am wrong. I hope that things are exactly as they seem on the surface. I think, however, it is wise to put on the black hat and proceed with caution.