Saturday, April 23, 2011

Together Separately

I am alone this weekend.  Well, with 4 kids in the house I am almost never actually alone, but it is not just anyone's company that I will make me feel complete.  I need not only the love of a man, but I need his physical presence to make me feel complete.  We do not need to be in physical contact, for me to feel that completeness, but we do need to be in proximity.  For this weekend, I am not going to get that and I feel lonely.

This week, T and I attended a Jimmy Buffet concert, with K and AJ.  For the most part I had a good time.  T did not, but he was a good sport about it and he was glad to come along because he knew it was important to me.  

This is not the first time that T has done things for me.  Hell, for the first 2 years that we were seeing each other, he put up with my seemly endless drama, my dumping him to try to "work it out" with K and a host of other shit.  But at the end of the day he stood by me.  

But there is a "dark" side to all of this.  There is one place that I really want him to go, that he may not be able to.  I want a real partner.  What I really want is a husband.  I want a man by  my side as much of the time as possible.   Even if we are buy with things during the day, I want to snuggle with my man every night as we drift off to sleep.

All fo this sounds simple enough, but it may be a bridge to far for T.  It's not that he does not want  the same things that I want, it's just he feels he cant due to family obligations.  I am not going into them here now, but if you look back you will see where I have written about them before.  Suffice it to say that while I understand his reasons, I do not agree with them.  That said, at the end of the day, the decision to make.

We have talked about this several times.  The bottom line for me is while I want the things I have outlined above, I do not not want them with just any man, I want T. 

We talked about this the other night.  He told me that he understood the things I want and he things that not only are they reasonable, I deserve them.  He knows that I am looking to meet people for friendships, and he knows that I could meet someone there that i would hit it off with with.  If I did and that person could be the partner I want, he (T) would understand.  He said he would remain my friend.

But there is one catch, why should keep looking when then man of my dreams is already right here.  I don't really want anyone else.  In fact, what I would REALLY like is for T to come with me at some of these :friend building" events and we could make the new friends together.  So my new friends would know us as a couple, not just me, alone with a distant boyfriend.  The reality is that will not be happening. T is very busy, with many irons in the fire at the same time.  It is unlikely that we will be doing a whole lot of that.  Plus he has encouraged me to make friends on my own.

In the end, I hope that we will find a way to make us living together a reality.  I hope it will come before I get too old to want to sleep with a man.  Before we have to keep a bowl of little blue pills by the bed.

There is also the issue of loyalty.  T stuck by me when things were really bad for me, and they could not have been too good for him either.  I doubt that many guy would have stuck around. I am not sure I would have.  So based on that, how can I not stuck my him?  On the other hand, I know I cannot spend most of the next 20 years alone.  

So for now, I know we think about each other constantly.  I know that out hearts are merged, but we are physically apart.

We are together, separately. .

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

You might want to check out Hofstede's work. He identified 6 elements of culture. One is commitment to the group over self fulfillment.

I only say this because my T almost got stuck being the only adult child to take care of his mom. If that had happened, my contact would have been limited to throwing pebbles at his window late at night. :)