Another Man's Life

When I was at the Pride Festival, I talked to a group of older gay guys.  They say their group is open to men 21 and older, but I did not see anyone that seemed under 35.  I chatted for just a couple of minutes and then I took their flyer.  I folded it tightly as I put it in my pocket.


After I got back to my car, I opened it up and read it carefully.  There was a section that listed the "ideal" reason to join their group.  "Whether you are new to town, coming out late in life, of just want to make new friends..."


As I thought about that for a while, there was an awkward moment when I was talking to them when I wanted to say, that I was new to being open about being gay and did not know many gay people. .  For some reason, I just could not.   I thought about why, and though I already knew the answer, I had a mental block about it.


Then as I was poking around the internet I found this picture.  This guy, is me (no, this is not my picture).  For the past 40 years I have been living another man's life.  I have been pretending to be someone else.  That is why it is so difficult to come out at this age.  I have a lifetime to being someone else.


It's different when you are a teenager.  You are supposed to be figuring out who you are.  It€'s normal.  You could even accepted from someone in their early 20's.  But by the time a man hit's is 40's he should be pretty well established.  He should know who he is.  What's more, all the people (or at least the close ones) that he has known over the years, should know him too.


But they don't.  They don't know who he is at the core of his being.  That is such an uncomfortable thing to reveal.  Feels like a betrayal.  It's seems that not only is it uncomfortable to reveal to friends, but also to strangers.  Even when there is a very high likelihood, they would accept me more because of it, not less.


One more thing to work through I guess.