Gay Life Is Pretty Normal

 I read some blogs where the guys who write them hook up often.  When they are not hooking up, they are looking for a hook up.  While I have to admit, this sounds kind of exciting.  There is a aspect of freedom in going out an fucking anyone who is around that is appealing.  The thing is... I don't really want freedom.  

What I want is decidedly more boring.

This past week was a nightmare at work.  To make it even worse, AJ was traveling on business so K need me to help her with the kid more often.  She is in school and Tuesday and Wednesday this week she needed me at her house by 5:30 am, so she could go to school.  I needed to get the kids off to school and then I could go home to work?  I was exhausted.  Wednesday was particularly bad day at work.  So bad, in fact, I needed to bring a pile of work home.  

T was supposed to come and stay the night.   I really needed to see him, but I simply had to have this work done before my bosses in London got in the office the next morning.  I let him know a lot to do and I would not be able to pay as much attention to him as usual.  He chose to come anyway, which made me very happy.

When he arrived, I decided I needed to get out of the house, so we went out to eat at a really good fish place in town.  They have a really nice lobster bisque T really likes.  After a nice dinner we went back to my house.

The room that used to be my daughter's bedroom is now an office and testing lab for me.  There is a long table there where I work most days.  We each had a computer and I set them up side by at the table.  I worked on my stuff and he worked on his.

T is thinking about buying and renovating a property to expand his business.  He wanted to sketch out some plans for the building.  As someone who is intentionally computer illiterate he had not used Google Earth before.  So I showed him and he got a great satellite view of the building he wants to buy with the surrounding property.  I showed him how to use it to take measurements.  We counted parking spaces, and did a rough estimate of the property boundaries.

At the same time, I was working on my work.  I had to pull some data for a report,  write several emails, and do some troubleshooting with some hardware that was acting strangely.  

I took time to help him when he needed it.  He took an interest in what I was doing.  He explained his plan and asked my opinion on several things.  We looked up zoning regulations and figured how many parking spaces he needed with the extra square footage he was going to add.  

I know this all sounds terribly boring, but the truth is, I was happy at that moment.  When I envision my life with T, it's things like this I think about.  Things like this I want.  Being together in an office in our home, even if we are working separately, we are still together.

My work took longer than it would have if I was there alone, but I didn't care.  We were together.

When we finished, we walked across the hall, climbed into bed, snuggled into each others arms and drifted off to sleep.  

I slept better that night than I had in a long time.

Asian Inferiority Complex

I am a person who does not really like the term "race".  I suppose, technically,  I am in an interracial relationship, but I don't think about it that way.  When I think about the main differences between T and I, they are really more about difference in background, experiences and culture.  (I guess that's race??)  But it's not so much about the way we look, but what we have experienced.

Of course I love the way he looks.  I love his smaller frame (compared to me), his round face, and his thick jet black hair.  I love the shape of his eyes, and don't get me started on shape of his ass...   Yes, I think Asian men in general are attractive and of course T in particular.  I guess at this point, I am so used to it, it does not really occur to me any more.  He is not my Asian partner.  He is just my partner.

As much as I bitch about how I want some things to be different, I really like that he and I come from different backgrounds.  I like that, even after almost 5 years, there is still a lot of us to discover about each other.  I like that when I eat dinner at his house, there is often something new to try.  Even if it is something I have had before, it's something I only get at his house.  That makes it special and I like that.

I have heard about something called the "Asian Inferiority Complex".  There are a could of blogs I follow written by Asian guys and they have talked about it as well.  But I am not sure it actually exists.  If there is such an affliction, T does not have it.  He knows how great he is.  He is not arrogant, or stuck up.    He has a quiet confidence that I honestly find irresistible.  

While I joke with him sometimes that he is lucky to have a white boyfriend like me.  But we both know the truth is the other way around.  I am lucky he fell in love with me.  

T's Most Annoying Habit

When T and I get together we rarely have a plan in advance. Usually we know if we are going out for dinner, or eating at his house, but beyond that, it's pretty up in the air.

This is where the problem starts.

I will pick him up at his office and then ask him where he wants to go for dinner.  I figure he's had a hard day and we can go somewhere he likes.  His answer is always the same.

"What ever you like." he says.  

"Well, OK.  What are you in the mood for?" I ask, probing for information.

"Anything." is always the reply.

And it goes the same way every time.  He leaves it to me to pick providing me with almost no guidance about what he would like.  And then if that's not bad enough, once we settle on a spot, he usually jumps in front of me to pay the bill.  

Can you believe that?   He let's me go anywhere I want AND then insists on paying for it.  

It's so annoying.

Maybe A Vacation This Summer?

Things in T's business are shaping up so that he might be able to take a vacation this year.  Not a long one, like for a week, but a short one.  Maybe just a long weekend.

When we can take a whole week, I would like to take him to my mom's camp in the woods of Maine.  I have written about it a few times in the past.  It is in the middle of nowhere and one of my favorite places in the world.  I would just be so wonderful to share that place with him.

As a place I used to go as a child, and where a lot of my family still live, this would be a chance for me to connect him to my family on a deeper level.  When I say family, I mean my family pre-K.  The people and places that are connected to the family when I was growing up.

Plus it's peaceful there.  There are not a lot of people, though more than when I would go there as a kid.    There is a good sized lake.  It is too shallow for motor boats, so it's very quiet, except for the occasional loon.  A kayak or canoe is just the thing to get around with.  At night, I sometimes will take the canoe out to the middle of the lake.  It is so dark at night, you can see so many stars it's just amazing.  To make it even better, the week in August I like to go is about the time of the annual Perseid meteor shower.  Always a stunning show. 

There is a fire pit that my father and I built.  We use the fire to cook the evening meal and then,  we sit around it.  The kids run around in the dark with their flashlights, and the adults relax by the fire.    My mom, my dad, when he was alive, my sister and her husband, and even me and K in years past.  Now there is T. This time it will be him at my side.  Holding my hand as we gaze into the fire.  

I very much want  to share these experience with him.  I want for us to have them together.  Something that we will always be able to hang on to.

Something else that will connect us together.

Too Gay For Me

I was at T's house the other night. We were laying on his bed after dinner.  He was propped up with pillows behind his back and I was laying on his chest.  The TV was on, but I think we were both in that foggy in-between-wake-and-sleep state.


At the top of the hour and episode of House Hunters came on.  (Click here if you are unfamiliar with the show.)  In most of the episodes the house hunter is a married couple.  Occasionally a single person and once in a while, a gay couple.  Last night it was a 2 guys moving from New York City to Los Angeles.  This caught our interest for 2 reasons.  First it featured a gay couple and I always like that.  Secondly, T went to high school and did his college undergrad in the Los Angeles area so he is familiar with the places they were talking about.

It not take me too long to see that one of these guys was a lot like "Jack" from Will and Grace.  There is nothing wrong with guys like that, but it is not attractive to me.  I am attracted to more masculine men.  T's also has a preference for more masculine men.  At one point in the show we both looked at each other and said the same thing at the same time.   We had been thinking the same thing.  

I am not going to share exactly what that was, but what is important is we formed one of those connection points I have talked about before.  The more connection points you have, the stronger the relationship. 

Teach Your Children Well

I believe strongly that any time you have an interaction with a child you are teaching.  I don't just mean as a parent.  I mean anyone. Children learn from everyone they come in contact with, including fictional people on TV.  The trick is to guide them so they take away the right things from those interactions.

I am no Dr. Spock, but I am a pretty good dad.  I am as in tune with my children as I can be.  Even when it appears otherwise, I am closely watching things that happen around them and their reactions to those things.  When necessary, I interject my thought, advice, or guidance to those experiences so they have the right take away.

I am as frank as possible with my children.  I do not tell my daughter the injection the doctor will give her "won't hurt a bit."  I tell her it will probably sting a little, but it will be over quickly and it will keep her from getting sick.  I have told my son that even though he wants to join the high school baseball team, they will not take him.  He is bad at baseball, does not practice (and shows no interest), and the other kids he will try out against have been playing for years.  He likes the social idea of being a team, so I try to re-direct him into something he could be good at.  (He could be very good at track, if he would train a little.)

I do not intercede every time there is an argument between siblings.  Many times, it is best to let them work it out for themselves.  The trick is to know when to let them squabble and when to step in.

I teach them to stand up for those who can stand up for themselves.  Both my oldest (16) and youngest (10) sons have had experiences where they stepped in when another kid was being a bully.

I teach them that you can't fight every battle.  You have to pick and choose when the fight will have the most benefit.  I teach them that being even tempered and calm, even when others are not, can bring you long term benefits.  I teach them that some relationships are important.  Sometimes it's better to accept something you don't like for the sake of the relationship.  I teach them how to tell the difference between the important relationships and the unimportant ones.

I am not sure I get everything right, but I am confidant that, on balance, they are getting the right lessons from me.

Not That Much Different

When I was married I was careful about how often I was able to go see T.  I didn't want to upset K and make things difficult when I got home.  I am trying to be considerate of her feelings because I am a swell guy.  Well...  if I am completely honest, when K is all cranky she is really miserable to be around.  So for my own sanity and for the benefit of the kids, I did my best to keep things calm.  

Even now, I try to accommodate what she needs.  It makes it easier for her.  Which in turn is easier for the kids and easier for me.  Often when she does something to piss me off, I say nothing.  Even when I know I am right and I have the better argument, I say nothing.  After almost 20 years, I have learned it's often easier to just let it go.

T thinks I need to stand up for myself more.  There is one thing is particular thing she does that bugs him. Let's say that I am supposed to meet T after work on a  Saturday.  I end up going to the K's house to hang with the kids.  She will go out to something with the plan that when she returns I will leave to go see T.  Sounds reasonable, right?

The problem is, often she is late.  Sometimes an hour or more late.  As a result I am late.  T is generally understanding, but it bugs him.  If I am supposed to have dinner with his family, it bothers me to be late for that.

The last time it happened, T told me that I need to be firm with her.  I need to confront her about her inconsiderate behavior.  I told him that I could, but I didn't think there would be a good outcome.  He said it needed to be done.

It's true that I have often been a doormat for K.  I do it a lot less not, but, like I say, sometimes it's just easier.  Intellectually I know this is TOTALLY dysfunctional, but I don't think there is much I can do about it.

T has some of the same issues... just with his mother.

I am not entirely sure he sees it that way, but if I step back and look at things objectively, he has many of the same dysfunctions.  

Without going into a lot of detail there was something that he agreed to do with me, and after getting some crap from his mother, he altered our arrangement.  I was not happy about but it was clear that I had no choice but to go along with it.  

I know he is under a lot of stress.  Most of the a stress is work related, which as we all know can bleed over into other parts of our lives.  For him it is easier to just do what his mother wants, than deal with the fall out.  Fall out that will not only add to his stress, it will impact everyone else who lives in the house.  His stress level is to a point where I actually worry about his health, so the last thing he needs is more shit from his mother.

Much like he tells me that I need to stand up for myself, I tell him that he needs to as well.  At his age, he can respect his mother and make his own decisions at the same time.  If she disagrees with his decisions  that's fine, but she needs to respect him as well.  If she can, or chooses not to, it really is her problem, not his.  It's not like he's a teenager, right?

Yes, it is dysfunctional.  Is it more dysfunctional that my situation?  I think it is, but just a little more.  The only thing that makes me slightly less dysfunctional is my situation involves small children.  While I should stand up for myself more, I also have a responsibility to protect my children.  Going along with K, while inconvenient for me (and sometimes for T)  keeps the stress level lower of everyone else, including my kids.  In T's house, there are no kids.  They are all adults, that if they were not so overworked all the time, should be able to handle the stress of a disapproving mother.

The point of this is not to beat up on T or his mother.  The point is simply to show that, boiled down to their core, T and I both have same type relationship dysfunctions.  We also both give each other the same advice on how to deal with our respective dysfunctions.   Yet these dysfunctions persist and they get in the way of us really being together.  They prevent us from being partners in our lives the way we are in our hearts.

Goodbye To 2012

I woke up early this morning.  It was still dark.  Squinting, I could see the clock across the room.

3:25am.

There is movement in the bed next to me.  T is there... sleeping and tangled up in my sheets. I just can't think of a better way to end the year.

This is what I have always dreamed of.  I roll over and smile as I go back to sleep.  When we both wake several hours later, his face is the first thing I see.

Before getting out of bed, we were chatting about... well... just regular stuff.  We got up, showered, got dressed and headed out for breakfast.  We went to a local Dunkin Donuts.  I got coffee.  He got a couple of donuts.  We found a small table next to the window.  I brought my BlackBerry tablet with me and as we enjoyed breakfast together, we did a little research on a business idea he had.

After almost 5 years, I am still happiest when we are together. We were not doing anything remarkable,  just having breakfast and coffee.  It's just that we were doing it together, that made it wonderful for me.

As I move into 2013, I am going to make some changes in my life.  I'll also try to blog more often. I may also change the focus somewhat.

Happy 2013 to everyone!  

Asian Boyfriend Supermarket

You know that fruit you find at a Chinese buffet.  They look like small white golf balls.  They are Longans and my daughter loves them.  She calls them "circles".  You cannot buy them in a regular supermarket, but in most Asian markets the come in cans.

I went to see T last night. I met him at his house and we went out for dinner and a little shopping. While we were out, I asked about going to the Asian market for some circles.

There is a small Asian market near T's office but that is quite a way from his house.  I was just about to give up when he remembered there is a new market not too far away.  We headed that direction.  I was expecting a small store packed with stuff.  But when we pulled in, it was not what I expected. It was huge!!  And it was full of Asian people.  Some of the guys there were cute.

We got what we needed and headed back to the car.

"This place is great!!" I told him.  "When you decide to dump me, I know where to come to find my next Asian boyfriend."

"Consider yourself dumped." he said, but got in the car anyway.

Dinner and Little Houses

Last night I was at T's house. I met him there after he and his family had gone to church. His mom made this beef / noodle soup I really like so I was excited to join them for dinner.

T's oldest sister from California has been staying there of the past few weeks.  She is a little unsure about the whole gay thing and is not thrilled about T having a boyfriend.   Last night at dinner she sat next to me, just because it was the only seat left at the table. She basically ignored me for most of the meal.  Even though I know she speaks fluent English, I have never heard her say anything in English.  

At the end of the meal, T's parents left the table and T and the sisters I know well, switched to English and I joined in the conversation.  His older sister (the one who had been ignoring me) comment she agreed with what I had said.  I noticed the change.  Later, T told me his father told his sister I'm nice.  I thought that was pretty cool.  Maybe he was giving her permission to be nice to me.

Maybe there is hope after all.

After dinner T asked me to help him set his Christmas village under the tree.  I took the picture you see here last night.   Don't you think he has nice knees?  Anyway, he has little street lights, little trees, and little people that all needed to be placed in just the right spot.  We taped the street lamps to the floor.  We ran the power cords. We placed the little houses in the right order to make a little town.

I loved watching him.  He had a vision of what it should all look like. It was fun to watch him work it out in his head and then place everything in the right spot.  (The fact he is a little OCD adds to my amusement.). I know that he loved having me there with him too.  For a while, it was almost like it was our house and our tree.

But it wasn't. The evening came to a close and it was time for me to go.  I felt a little sad.  Actually, always feel a little sad when I have to leave him.  As we hugged good night, he noticed a tear, but just one.  I was not crying, but sometimes my emotions show more than I want them too.

I drove home and I knew he was waiting up for me to get there.  Making sure I made it home safely before going to sleep himself.  Even though I was home alone, I could feel his love.

Who Cares What They Think?

Rob, from Below the Radar, asked a good question about my last post:

"OMG, Those people think we're gay!!!  Who the fuck cares what they think?"

Every time I comment on a comment, I preface it with, "I don't usually comment on comments, but I'm going to on this one."  So, here goes.

When T and I go out, I give some thought to how we act together and how we are perceived by the people around us.  I think about it on a couple levels.

Survival is one.  We live in the buckle of the Bible Belt and walking around holding hands could get us both killed.  Now, this is not something I think about a lot, but if I am being honest, it is a consideration.

Putting that to the side, when I think others have identified us as a gay couple, I am not stressed about it.  On the contrary, I think it's a good thing.  I have not been out very long, relatively speaking.  On some levels, being an out gay man is still something of a novelty for me.  It's still new and fresh.  When think that someone know who I really am, and I don't sense a negative change in their behavior, it really does give me a lift.  It makes me... well ...  just a little bit happier.  

If I get a negative reaction, like I did from the kid clearing the table at the restaurant, I note it, but I don't dwell on it.  It does not make me feel badly.  Not even a little bit.  Probably because I have trained myself, over the years in the closet, to assume everyone will react negatively, so when they do, it is really of no consequence.

So, who the fuck cares what other people think?  

Not me.  

Unless what they think makes me just a little bit happier.

Do Straight Guys Go For Ice Cream... Together?

Last night T and I went out for dinner.  I had to work all weekend, so it was nice to have a few minutes to see him.

I am not bothered by it, but when we go out I often wonder if the people around us can tell we are a couple.  A gay couple.  T always says, of course they know.  A white guy and an Asian guy together can only be a gay couple.  

Generally, I am an observer of people.  I watch people as they pass me.  I look at their eyes, their facial expressions and changes in them as I approach or pass.  Last night I was watching at dinner.

After the people at the table next to us (behind T, I was facing it) left, a kid came to clear the table.  He was an Asian kid about 19-ish, and he glanced over at me as he was clearing the table.  I met his eyes and he looked away.   A few seconds later, he looked at me again.  This time his expression was slightly different, decidedly negative.  He only looked of for a second, finished his work and left.  

"I think that guy thinks were, gay." I said. 

T chuckled at me, "I think everyone in this place think's we're gay."

He was probably right, but that kid didn't approve.

After dinner, he asked me if I wanted to go for ice cream.  Of course I did.  Ice cream is once of my real weaknesses.  So we drove to a local ice cream shop.  It was empty except for 2 older ladies who were chatting over their ice cream.  T and I sampled a few flavors, ordered and took our treats to go.

As we walked out, one of the ladies looked up at me.  I could tell she thought we were gay too.  Her look, however, was not disapproving.  Simply a casual acknowledgement as I passed by.

Once we got outside, I told T, "I think those ladies think we're gay."  He looked at me, but didn't say anything.

Then it hit me.  Straight guys don't go out together for ice cream!!!  

We laughed all the way back to the car.

Morning Coffee Part 2

I woke up with a start this morning.  I am not sure what it was that jarred me from sleep.  The sun was starting to come up and the room was starting to get light.  

"Good Morning" I said as I laid back down, reaching over to your side of the bed.  You were not there.

I sat up in bed and looked around.  Your clothes were hanging on the rocking chair in the corner of my room.  I could see your car keys on the dresser, so I knew you were still here.

"T?  Where are you?"

You didn't answer.

I got up out of bed and looked into the bathroom.  No T.  I Opened the door into the hall way.  I could see a light on down stairs and could smell coffee brewing.  

I make my way down the stairs.  I had not bothered to get dressed.  As I reached the bottom, I could hear something moving around in the kitchen.  Silently I came to the kitchen door and finally I found you.

I cough softly.  You look over and me and smile.  Set down your coffee cup, walk over to me, and wrap me in your embrace.  I close my eyes and melt into your arms.  I feel warm, safe and loved.    I wanted to stay like that forever.  You hold me a long time, until you suddenly swear and and push me away.

I open my eyes, puzzled at your sudden reaction.  My nose tells me what's happening as you rush to rescue the eggs burning on the stove.

Hey!  A guy can dream, right?

Just Like Home

Last night I was at K's house with the kids.  Her and AJ were out for dinner.  My older boys were playing X-box in the other room and I was watching "WipeOut" with my younger kids.  

T was with his family.  He has finished work and they all go the church together on Saturday evenings.  After church he sent me a text.  

"Hi honey!  I'm home!"  

Oh, if he only knew how much I long to hear him say that for real when "home" for us is the same place.

Anyway, as I sat there with the kids, I thought about the previous Wednesday night when T had come to my house to spend the night.  We went out for dinner and when we returned to my house, he went up stairs to take a shower.  I had washed the sheets on my bed and I had to get them out the dryer.

When I got upstairs he had finished his shower.  He was standing naked at the sink brushing his teeth (Yes, he keeps a toothbrush at my house.)  T looks a lot like this guy, so I could not help but stop and stare.  Taking in the beauty of his body.

What made that a meaningful moment for me was not the naked man hanging out in my bathroom.  It was the feeling that, at that moment, everything was as it should be.  Everyone was where they belonged.  My love was with me. We were not doing anything extraordinary, but for me it was magic.

I mean, let's face it. Most couples who live together are not having sex all the time.  They are doing regular things that make life happen.  Even most of the time when they are naked, they are engaged in personal grooming, not sex.  Just like here.  He was cleaning up from his day at work.  I was making the bed.  

It was all very normal.  

It was all very ordinary.

But for me...

...it was extraordinary.  

It was wonderful.  

It was magic.

Coffee For Two... or Three

Last night my daughter spent the night at my house.  She was up early, woke me up and asked to go out for donuts.   Well, sure.   I don't eat donuts but I really like Dunkin Donut's coffee.  (I know, I am one of the few gay guys who is not drawn to Starbucks like a moth to a flame.)

She was not going to wait for me to take a shower so I put on a baseball cap and we got in the car.  When we got there, the place was empty and we could have walked right up to the counter and ordered.  Of course, she spent so much time at the drink cooler picking what she wanted, a whole line of people formed.  I didn't mind really.  I was just happy spending time with my little girl.

As she was making her selection, these 2 guys walked in and got in line in front of us.  They were older guys, over 65 if I had to guess.  While they were not "acting gay" my gaydar went off anyway.  I was sure they were together.  

Even before that, I was wishing that T was there with me and my daughter at the coffee shop.  Actually when ever I am anywhere I find myself wishing he was there will me.   But seeing these two guys in there together, made me think of him even more.  I think it would be nice for us to get up on a Sunday morning and head out for coffee together.  Not that we could not make coffee at home, but there is something about going there together.  Sitting at the table and chatting while we sip our coffee and prepare for the rest of the day.

Don't misunderstand.  The time together with my daughter was priceless and I would never trade that.  For now, it would be nice to merge that time, like other families do.  When she is grown, we (T and I) will have that for ourselves.

Nude Group

I don't think I mentioned that I attended a meeting of a MeetUp group for gay dads.  (Not "daddies", gay men with kids.)  I can talk more about that later.  But one of the guys there told me about a nude men's discussion group he attends on occasion.  Me and another guy at the meeting were interested in going.

This is not a sex group.  These are nudists.  They have a topic each week they discuss for the first hour.  Then, they have a dinner.  Everyone brings something and they hang around, eat, drink and talk... naked.  He told me the age range of the group was 40 to 70 and and the men were of varying fitness levels.  He also said there was a hard rule (no pun intended) that no sex is allowed at any time.  No one touches anyone else.  When the occasional erection happens, nude etiquette says to cover it up until it goes away. (I am not exactly sure how they do that.  Maybe with the required towel for sitting.) 

I sounded interesting to me and I have never been to anything that is nudist related.  I have always wanted to and this seemed like the perfect opportunity to try it out.  I was looking forward to it and I mentioned it to T.

"You want to go where?" he said.  

He was not thrilled about the idea.  We talked about it and at the end he told me to do what I want.  I could tell he was not happy about it.  I am sure he didn't understand why I felt the need to hang out with other naked guys.

I was still resolved to go, it was something I have always wanted  to do, but now I was having some doubts. K happened to stop over my house to look through some boxes she had left there.  I told her about my dilemma.

"You want to go where?" she asked.

She said a bunch of other stuff too and ended with, "Have you completely lost your mind?"  

"But I have never done anything like this before, and I..."  I said.

She cut me off, "Well, you've never shot up heroin before either.  Is that next?" 

I was not exactly sure what to say to that.  While I didn't really see the connection between hardcore drug use and nudity,  I was thinking about this group in a different way now.  

At the end of the day, I decided not to go.  While I am curious about the whole nudist thing, I am not curious enough.  T and I just got back together,  and I really don't want to do anything to upset him.  I was also taken off guard by K's negative reaction so maybe this was not such a good idea in the first place.

So Tuesday night, instead of being at the nude group meeting, I will be with the kids, while K has volleyball tryouts. 

The Youth Ministor

When T and I were broken up, I answered a Craigslist ad from a 23 year old guy who said he wanted something more.  He was looking for a "mature" man and did not want to head directly to the sack.  I thought it sounded interesting so I wrote to him.

He wrote back to me and we started talking.  Well, talking through text, but that's still talking, right?   I found out a lot of things about him including that he works as a Youth Minister for a church about a mile from my house.  Let's call him Paul.  He actually lives in a house that is provided by the church.  He is deeply in the closet and is not out to anyone.  Not family.  Not friends.  

Last week we met for lunch at a local bakery.  They have good sandwiches and a a tres-leches cake to die for.

He is a nice guy.  He is a little taller than me and on the heavy side.  He had a warm smile.  You know the kind that immediately make you feel comfortable?  Thats probably why he is successful working in the church.  Even if I did not know, I would have guessed he was gay.  Can't put my finger on exactly what would have tipped me off, but there was something.


At the time of this meeting, T and I had gotten back together.  I told Paul that when I first contacted him, T and I had broken up but we're now back together.  If he was interested in talking and friendship, I would be happy to do that, but it would go no further.  Paul was OK with that.

We ordered food and sat next to the window.  We had a wide ranging conversation.  We talked about my coming out journey.  We talked about his, including the difficulties of being gay and being called to the ministry at the the same time.  He was having trouble meeting people.  The guys his age all just want to jump into bed and he is hoping for something more.  He eventually wanted to get married and have a family of his own.  Then he said, "Maybe I'll just stop being gay."

I stopped chewing and looked at him.  I felt bad for him.  When I was young, all the gay guys were in the closet.  I know 5 other guys from my high school who are out now, and were all in the closet in high school.  For me it was bad, but since I did not see people coming out, I didn't really know anything else.  But for him, he sees people his age coming out all over the place, but because of his career choice, he can't.  That must make it even harder.

"You know you can't do that, right?"  I asked him.

He looked back at me.

"You can choose to be celibate if you want to, but you cannot stop being gay."

I went on to tell the story of how I tried to do exactly the same thing and how it eventually turned out.   

I think he understood my experience and deep down I think he knows that he cannot will himself straight. 

In the end, he smiled, gave me a hug and we parted ways.  We have not had the chance to meet in person, but he and I still exchange text messages frequently.  I think he is glad to have found someone he can talk to, who accepts him for who he is and does not want to get into his pants.

Star Gazing

Last night I stayed up way too late.  I wanted to see the meteor shower but it was not supposed to ready it's peak until early morning.  I knew if I went to sleep there was no way I was going to get up at 4:30 to see it.  I went outside several times in my backyard.  I had set up chairs so I could put my feet up and look directly at the Orion.  While the stars were beautiful, I didn't see any meteors.  I might have seen 2 fait ones, but it's also possible it was just my eyes playing tricks.  

It was pretty cold and probably should have been more bundled up.  I was also getting tired and I did not want to fall asleep outside in the backyard.  I was afraid I'd freeze to death.  I ended up going to bed around 4:00.

As I was staring at the stars, you can guess where my mind was.  To my love, who was warmly snug in his bed at home.  His long work week had caught up with him and he fell asleep early last night.  I kept thinking how much he would have liked being outside with me.  (On the other hand, maybe not.  He is not very tolerant of the cold.)

Over the past two weeks, I have spoken to several friends who are familiar with the situation between T and me.  They were supportive when we broke up and said it was probably for the best.  When I told them we got back together, neither of them were surprised.  Both said they knew they it was going to happen, and that they were glad to see us together.

I had no idea I was that predictable.  

Not Alone Tonight

I took this picture of myself last night.  It was not easy to get my iPhone to stick to the ceiling and get the pose just right...  

Most of the time I sleep alone.  I don't like it, but I guess I am getting used to it.  

I am not sleeping alone tonight.  Today is Wednesday and T will be coming after work to my house.  I am going to make dinner for him, though I don't know exactly what that will be yet.  All he has asked for is that I have the bread he likes.  I can do that.

We have been watching the "Amazing Race" together.  The new season started a few week ago, and we are a week behind, but it's all safely on the DVR.  I look forward to that each time he comes.  I know it's a simple and maybe even boring thing to most people.  It means the world to me.  It's something we can share together.  I don't watch the episodes without him.  

After dinner we will curl up together in my bed, turn off the lights and watch together.  Last week we had a few snack.  He likes a little something salty and a little something sweet after dinner.  To show how much I love him, I let him eat chips in my bed.  He was very careful not to get crumbs under the covers.  :)

Last week it was not so hard for him to come, because he had not been in a while.  This week will be harder.  I think he will get more crap and I will have to support him.  Like all couples we will have challenges to deal with.  Our's are different from most couple, but I'll bet most gay couple face different challenges than straight couples.  The important thing is that we will face the challenges together.   

Clearing the Decks

There were two guys I was talking to when T and I got ourselves back together.  One was a Chinese guy  (pictured here) who was older than me but looked younger.  The other was a white guy about my age but looked older.

I actually had plans to meet the Chinese tonight.

Last night after I got the kids to bed over at K's house, I came home and sent an email to each of them.  To the white guy I told him he seemed like a nice guy, but I was getting back together with my ex-boyfriend so I would not be able to meet hm.  I hoped he had not felt misled.  He sent me back a nice reply thanking me for letting him know and wishing T and I luck on our relationship.

I had been talking to the Chinese guy via email much more so I wanted to write him a slightly different massage.  If T and I had not gotten back, I think there could have been a real possibility that he and I could have gotten along really well.  In his email he said many of the things I wanted to hear, even the things that most guys might not have liked.  Anyway, I told him the truth.  I had not expected that T and I would be able to come back together, but we did.  I hoped he did not feel misled.  I also told him that while I would not pursue a sexual or romantic relationship with him, if he still wanted to get to know me as friends, I would like that.  (I told T about this in advance.)  I figured since I had not actually met him, there was no harm. 

It took longer to hear back from him, but I he did reply.  He thought it would be best to cancel our date for tonight, and he wanted to continue talking before we met in person.  I was glad he still wanted to talk.

Last night I also told K that T and I were back together.  She gave me... the look... I told her that it was OK.  Things were not going to be the same.  There was no chance to talk to her about it last night, so invited her out for a coffee the next morning.

This morning I met her at a local Dunkin Donuts, we each got an iced coffee and sat outside.  I told her the story of my lunch with T from the day before.  I told her about the tears and the anger and the drama.  Then I told her about T's change of heart and the love and the....  Well, I didn't tell her about that, but I did tell her we spent a couple hours at my house...alone...naked....

I was surprised at how positive she was.  I thought she might be skeptical that T would be really willing to follow through given the discomfort that we could be causing his mother.  I thought she might wonder if he would lose his nerve and then we would find ourselves right back in the same place.  But she didn't.  She was happy for me.  She was happy for him too (since she knows I am quite a catch...).  

I have been getting text messages from T all day.  Many more than usual.  I know that he is swamped at work with patients back up in the waiting room for up to 3 hours to see him.  But he found the time to think about me and let me know.

As I write this I am sitting in my house alone, but I do not feel lonely.  I will not see him this weekend.  His sister is visiting from California.  She does not visit often and because of work he has not had much time to spend with her.  Also, K and AJ want to have some time too.  AJ was away for 2 weeks in China for business.  I told K that I would keep the kids so she could have some much needed time with her husband.  Aren't I swell?

So with the extra time to myself I am going to spend some time on the treadmill and dust off my Vietnamese language learning program and get started on that.  For real this time.