Accept Who You Are

It has been a long week. 


It started with K having some surgery. (She is doing fine.  Thanks for asking.)


Because I had taken a few days off to be with K, going back to work on Wednesday was very difficult with a lot of stuff on my desk.  Friday night is started to snow.  In a area of the country that does not get a lot of snow, we got more than 6 inches.  Six inches of snow in Buffalo is no big deal but here it is.  Mostly because Buffalo probably has 300 snow plows.  We have something like 10.


K and I have been talking a lot over the past days and one of the things she keeps telling me over and over.  "You need to accept that this is who you are and all the things that go with it.  The sooner you accept that, the sooner all of us can move on."


Tonight we ordered Chinese and the fortune above was in my cookie.  Very perceptive cookie. 


The truth is I am gay.  The error is that I did not accept that years ago and got married.  Now I just need to move forward.  Sound easy enough, right?

Hanging In There For Now

Hi.  I am still here and kicking.  

K had some surgery Monday and she is doing fine.  It was fairly routine, but she needed me to stay home from work for 2 days.  

Back in the office today, and I have a TON of stuff to catch up on.  I have some things to talk about, but I don't have time to write it today.

I'll be back in a day or too.

Comments on Ian's Comment

When I started doing this blogging thing I did not think anyone would read it. If they did, I was not sure if anyone would comment.  If they did, I had mostly decided that I would not comment on comments, but it appears that rule is out the window.


First there was Lion Queen and, this morning, Ian posted a comment on my post from Thursday.  These 2 have urged me to stay in my marriage, to keep what I have.


Ian says a lot of things that I have been thinking myself, which part of why I am paralyzed in my situation, continuing to run in circles.  Please remember I appreciate his comment even though there is some parts I strongly disagree with.


He said, first, that I have a life that a lot of men would kill for.  I believe, in some respects, that is true.  I have a wife who is my best friend and she loves me.  I have 4 great kids and aside from the normal craziness that comes with a house full of kids, we all get a long pretty well.  I know I have this.  I know that it has and will suffer.  I have said many times before I am blessed beyond measure.  Ian thinks the price of leaving my marriage is simply too high.  He might be right.


He goes on to talk about how just because I have "capacity to love a man in a sexual way" does not mean that I should.  He goes on to compare that capacity to every man's ability the lie, cheat, steal and murder and just because we can do these things does not mean we should.  Of course this comparison is total bullshit and offensive.  I really wish he had not said that.  My first reaction was to ignore the entire comment because he pissed me off.  He does, however, bring up a point I want to explore.


When I was young I believed "gay" was simply a set to sexual behaviors, nothing more.  When I was in my late teens I made a decision not to engage in these behaviors and that would make be straight.  Back then I was wrong.  I was not straight, only "straight acting".  


This is important.  


"Straight Acting"  


In fact, I am straight acting.  My sister tells me I am the straightest gay guy she knows.  That part of my personality is genuine.  But the fact that I thought that was enough, led me to make other decisions, all based on a false assumption that straight acting and straight are the same thing.


I met a woman who quickly became my best friend.  I married her because I thought the feelings I was feeling was "in love".  There is no question it was love, but looking back I am not sure if it was "in love".  So I lived my straight acting live and at some point I realized that straight acting is not straight.  I am gay and pretending to be straight is just that, pretending.


This brings me back to Ian and his comment.  He says I have "done tremendous damage to (my) marriage" that may be unrepairable.  He is right, but not in the way he thinks.  I suspect he thinks I did the damage when I finally told my wife that I am not bi, but gay and through all the conflict and commotion of the past 21 months.  He is wrong.  I did the damage the day I asked K to marry me.  On that day, without realizing it, I planted a seed that would eventually lead me to this day.


So what do I do about it?  Well, I have been asking that question since I started the blog back in July.  What do I do?


Ian clearly thinks I should stay put. be grateful for my blessing and not be tempted by the "magical world over the gay rainbow".  I have always said that I know there is no utopia over there, but lets put that to the side for now.


What happens if I stay with my K in our marriage.  If we follow the "capacity" train of thought, I have the capacity to love a man, do I have the capacity to love a women in the same way?  This is important too.


Let's stay I stay and K agrees to let me. Let's go on to say that I am able to control my gay urges and I never cheat or stray from the marriage.  What about me?  How do I deal with the emptiness and loneliness in my heart?  And there is another question that neither Lion Queen nor Ian have asked.  What about K?  Well?  What about her?  What about her feelings?  What about her needs?  Let's talk about that.


Even now I am good to K.  I take good care of her, I am respectful of her feelings, I look out for her and she depends on me.  But she feels lonely because she knows I do not love her the way a straight husband should love his wife.  I know that's not what she wants out of her life.  She wants what a lot of women want, a man so in madly in love with her and only her that he never thinks about other women (or men).  As strong as my love is for her, I do not feel the way she wants me to.


So now what?  How will she feel living her life with a husband that is gay but straight acting.  Essentially pretending. Going though the motions of a happy couple.  How is that a good thing?  Is it a good thing for her?  It is good for me?  


Here is a question no one has asked, what have I just taught my kids about relationships.  I'll save that for another day.


Despite the way this post sounds I am glad that Ian posted his comment and I invite him to post more.  In a lot of ways he has given another voice to things that have held me in limbo for all this time.  And me might have pushed me a little more in the direction I need to go.

A) Secure & Stable B) Is It Worth It?

So this post will be a 2fer

I have spent a lot of time writing here about my problems, my feeling and a bunch of general boo hoo-ing about my situation.  While it is true that I am now in a difficult situation and I have become depressed.


I was not always like that.  I used to be strong & stable.  I was always even handed and even tempered.  I was generally happy and enjoyed my life.  All while I was so far in the closet that I did not even realize I was there.  In a lot of ways I was happier in the closet.  


I used to work with a woman who mother was in a nursing home with advanced Alzheimer's Disease.  Many people with advanced Alzheimer's become paranoid and fearful, but this person did exactly the opposite, she was happy all the time.  She did not know she was in a nursing home, she did not know she was sick, and she did not know that she would soon die from her disease.  In effect, she was in denial about her condition much the same way I was in denial about being gay.     


Now that my genie is out of the bottle and I know who I am, it's a lot harder to go back to those simpler days.




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I very much appreciate all the comments I get on on my posts.  I do not sensor them, approval is not required and I have never deleted any because I disagreed.  I am not offended by people offering their opinions.  If I didn't want the opinions of others I would not have started Blogging in the first place.


I have been getting some comments from The Lion Queen (http://idontunderstanditeither.blogspot.com/) that are not like many of the others.   Most offer encouragement that separating from K and living my life openly and honestly will set my soul free.  There is a lot of me that thinks that is true and I am working in that direction.


Then there is Lion Queen.  He thinks I should take look at what I have a not be in such a hurry to throw it all away in pursuit of a homo utopia that may or may not be there for me.


He comment on my post from yesterday:


Is giving up your nice house, your wife, time with your kids worth it all?

I wonder whether in 6 months time, sitting alone in a rented room in someone else's house (with or without T) you may come to regret some of your decisions.



I have to say I did not like hearing this even though there is a part of me that feels this way.  I sounds like something K has said to me in the past.  I very much worry that leaving my marriage to live openly as a gay man will ultimately be the wrong choice.  


On the other hand, if you read Lion Queen's blog, he is playing a risky game too.  He is cheating on his wife with other guys.  What kind of hell is he going to have to deal with when (not if) he gets caught?  I'll bet there will be some fallout that will make my situation look like a walk in the park.


Please do not misunderstand, I am not judging him or anyone else.  I am just exploring the possibilities.  If I were to recommit with K, she has already told me that our formerly open arrangement is off the table.  It is no longer an option that I will get permission from her to hook up with other guys.  So then what?  I will have internet porn, but we all know that is a poor substitute.  Sooner or later I will have the "urge" (I really hate that word) to be with a man.  And I worry that eventually Lion Queen and I will both be cheating on our wives, hoping like hell we don't get caught, but knowing in the back of our minds it is only a matter of time before we are busted.


So that brings me back to the question, "Is it worth it?"  The answer is I don't know, but it is something I plan to explore in my hear and maybe here over the next few days.

Coming and Going

I have been busy at work and bringing work home for the past few days.  While I am glad I have a job, and a good job, it's is taking a toll.


My situation is unchanged (anyone surprised?) but that is not to say there is not some movement.


K and I had a huge argument, well more like an outburst.  She was upset about something I did when one of the kids was misbehaving.  Among other things She did told me that she was going to have trouble with the kids when I was gone.


The next day as part of an apology for unloading on me, she said we needed to work out a plan for the kids she can do on her own and I can reinforce.


Later we were talking about T.  He is moving into a new house and having trouble with his Home Owners Association.  Anyway, as I was telling her about his situation she said, "You can tell him that you are available for the future."


She did not say any of it in anger, except the first one.  I know she still is angry, but she is not showing it much.  I also wonder if she is coming to accept who I am and no matter how much we both wish it was different, we can't change it.


On the other side, I am trying to figure out what is to become of me.  I am not thrilled about renting a room in someone else's house. I can't afford another house or even a full sized apartment.  With the money I have to spend it looks like I can afford to rent a really crappy house, a moderately crappy apartment, or a room in someone else's nicer house.  Renting a room should good, but I can't really "take the kids" for the weekend in a situation like that.  


More things to think about, but I think there are emotional changes happening, even if they are small ones.

From Anger to Resentment...Is that a Good Thing?

It has been a fun filled weekend.  Well, I'm sure not if "fun" is the right word, but it has been full.


We have spent most of the weekend together as a family, me K and the kids.  It has been OK.  Most of the anger from last couple of weeks has faded some (faded, not gone).


K and I have talked about a bunch of things including a man whom is madly in love with her.  I have written about D, before.  She has known him for a long time and he has been in love with her for all that time.  I know K loves him to, but as a close friend.  I doubt he would be able to be the man that K needs, but the truth is, it is none of my business.  


The important thing for me is that she is re-opening her mind to the idea of moving on.  She also is thinking of me as a friend she can confide in.  I did not offer advice, but listened as she talked.  I asked questions when I needed to clarify things.  She seems like she need to talk and I let her.


Later we talked he going back to school.  Kind of a sore subject.  She   does not really want to and she was perfectly happy having me support her and now she has to prepare to support herself.  "I have more than a little resentment about that, you know."  


I don't blame her, I know it's hard for her and that hurts me a lot.

Lucky? In Many Ways.

I heard from The Lion Queen on my last post and it made me think about if I am luck or not.  Of course in a lot of ways I am, but not in the ways he thinks.


Am I lucky that K has always known about my attraction to men and she has accepted me and loved me anyway?  ABSOLUTELY!!  There is no questions she is a special woman and a special friend.


Was I lucky that K let me seek out other men to satisfy my sexual desires?  Maybe.  


I was able to get my rocks off, but in the end it was just sex.  It was empty and unfulfilling.  I know there are a lot of guys who want exactly that, quick no strings sex (Wham, bam thank you ma'am... sir)  not for me.  Usually left these encounters feeling dirty and ashamed.  Then I slip into bed next to K and wake up in the morning as if nothing happened.


But she allowed this.  Am I lucky? While she told me at the time it was OK, it turned out not to me OK.  She was not at all happy about it.  She was in fact deeply hurt, that she was not enough of a woman to satisfy my needs.  She told me, after the fact, that while she wore a smile, she felt like furniture in her own house.  It's not that I was distant or neglectful to her, quite the opposite I have always been (and continue to be) very attentive to her needs.  But she was in love with a man who was leaving the house and family to have sex with strange men.


Is that lucky?  I suppose if I did not care about her and her feelings, I would think that I was lucky.  I asked her over and over if she was OK with it, just to be sure.  Each time she lied to me, so I would not know how hurt she really was When she finally came clean about her true feelings, I was devastated about the kind of pain I caused her. 


The Lion Queen said something else:  "The more you write I tend to think that you will not be satisfied in any situation and will always look for something more. "  


I hope I do not come across that way.  The truth is I need very little for myself and it takes very little for me to be happy.  All I was is to live in a way that is compatible with who I am.  I want to maintain my a relationship with my best friend and my children.  I don't know what "more" he thinks I need or am looking for.  I want to life with honesty and personal integrity.  I want to be who I am.  Love and be loved.  I want K to be happy and I want to help her be happy.  I want to renew my relationship with her in an honest and open way.  I want to find a man I can love and will love me back.  Eventually I want a partner that I can share my life with.  Is that T?  Maybe. 


Should I have been happy with the old arrangement K and I had?  No.  As I have explained, it was not good for me and it sure as hell was not good for her.  It might have sounded perfect to some, but it was far from it.  It was a lie.  Plain and simple.  While we were honest with each other, we lied to ourselves that everything was OK.


On a final note, I would not have met men at all without her permission.  The idea of cheating on her is repugnant to me.  I know lots of men (gay and straight) cheat on their wives, (and I am not in a position to judge anyone), I could not do it.  I could not look her in the eye in the next morning if I did.  I could not live with that kind of betrayal.  It is the only reason that K is still standing my me today.  I was honest with her from day one.  At least as honest with her as I was with myself.

You Are a Selfish Jackass

How much do you sacrifice for your marriage, for the ones you love?  How much suffering do you endure for your family?


"You are leaving. You are putting your happiness above the rest of us.  If it was me, I would have sucked it up and stuck to the commitments I made 16 years ago."  That's what K told me.  I believe she would.


I can't remember if I have blogged about this before, but for several years I was allowed to go out and meet men for sex.  While most men in my situation operate on the down low and cheat on their wives, I had permission in advance.  K and I had an agreement, and there were rules I agreed to follow.  Among them, I had to tell her in advance what my plans were.  If she asked I had to tell her what I did. If she became uncomfortable she would tell me and I would stop.  This went on for more than 4 years.  On the surface it was a great thing.  I got to go out once in a while (usually less than once a month) and I got to maintain my straight facade.  This was my "bisexual" stage.


The problem was 2 fold.  She was not really OK with it (and did not tell me) and when I met T, I fell in love with him (against the rules).  I found out much later that she was not OK with it at all and when I stop and thought about it, of course she was not OK.  She did it, she says, to make me happy, to try to meet my needs and it was sacrifice she made for her marriage to keep her commitments.  I believe her.


So what about me?  Why can't I keep my commitments?  I did say "till death do us part" and generally feel pretty healthy.  In letting me explore my sexuality she was VERY UNselfish and in the end it it probably screwed her.  Is there any wonder I am overcome by guilt most of the time?


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I talked to my shrink today (it's too hard to type therapist).  I am trying to get her to help me accept who I am and what it means.  I also need her to help me come to terms with the fact that some people that I love are getting hurt.


She is advising me to get out more and do things, with other gay people if possible.  She says I need to expand my support systems.  In all this, I really don't feel very social.  I feel myself being depressed and sinking deeper.

Many Thoughts Today

I have more talk about today.




I know the grass is not always greener on the other side of the fence.  It not so bad here but the longer I hide and live in a way inconsistent with who I am the harder it gets.  I read a lot of blogs written by gay man, many of them wither are of have been married to women.  All of these men have increase in their happiness that comes from just not having to hide anymore.  But in all cases, they have given up something, some more than others.  All so they can live honestly.  Most everyone does not have a perfect life, but everyone deals with it and makes the best in their own way.


I need to come to terms with the idea that my life will not be perfect but if I have inner peace may the rest will work out as it should.  It sounds simple enough, right?  I wish.


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K provides insights to me at the strangest times.  We were on our way to church this morning with all the kids in the van.  I said something my therapist told me about "not loving myself" as a reason that I overeat .  K told me if I would accept who I am, and then everyone would get over it, and I could love myself more.


I asked her later what she meant by that and she asked me if I wanted the "nice" answer of the "unfiltered"   


NICE:  The sooner you accept who you are and what it means to live as a openly gay man the sooner the rest of us can adapt and move on with our lives.


UNFILTERED: The sooner you accept who you are and come to terms with the fact you are screwing us all over, the sooner we can all get on with our lives.


I am not so thrilled with the idea of screwing anyone.  ("Well that's too bad, you have to get over that.")  That hurts, but if that's how she feels


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I was reading the post "Jagged Little Pill" by Emerging Identity (http://emergingidentity.blogspot.com).  This was a long post with a lot to say, but in the second half he was talking about his BF and BF's relationship with his wife.  They are in a place where they don't really like each other, yet, BF is paralyzed and cannot leave her and live a life more consistent with who he is.


In a lot of ways his situation is a lot like mine, except K and I still like each other.  I enjoy her company and we are good to each other (for the most part).  Not that I wish for this in any way, it would be easier for us to separate if we disliked each other.  It would be more obvious that we cannot be married.  it might be easier for all of us to accept.


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I spent a little time on Craig's List looking for people nearby who might have rooms for rent.  Very depressing.

Not Sure What to Write...

I have the urge to write, but I really have nothing to say.  K has been gone all day for her job.  I have been home with the kids and stuck inside.  It is sunny but too cold for anyone to want to go play outside.


I have not had much movement on my situation, but I have not expected too much this week anyway.  I did find a woman that was renting a room, but it will not be available until Feb 1.  I told K about this, but she did not have much to say about it.  Feels like I am running alone on a very long road


Of course the fear that leaving for the "gay side" of the fence not knowing if it will be better, or even good, is a problem for me.  The uncertainty is very stressful for me.


I read a lot of other blogs and I read one today that is a little disturbing and did not help me feel better about.  Chris at "My Journey Out" (http://www.myjourneyout.com/) Most recent post does not speak very well about the prospects for an over 40 guy, who might have a few extra pounds and less than an full head of hair.  


Of course I don't have a lot of experience with gay  "culture", if there is such a thing and it may be overstated the shallowness of a gay men.  If Chris is right, I'm screwed.  


On the other hand, I have T who does love me and I love him back.  Maybe I don't need to worry about gay culture at all.  It's like I need one more thing to worry about.  Maybe I should be worried about what might happen this month and not so much about.  

It's Not My Problem

Sometimes I think this is not a blog about me, it's about K.  I seem to talk about her so much.  I guess she is such a HUGE part of my life that I just can't get away from it.


So last night we talked and I told her why I did not just at the opportunity to recommit. I explained that I was unsure how I would deal with the sadness and loneliness associated with living on the fence.  How do deal with the pain of hiding all the time?


Her answer was simple.  "If you can't be happy here with me, then go and see if you can have happiness on the flowery, gay side of the fence."    She went on to tell me that this was not her problem and she cannot tell me she cannot tell me what I should do.


Of course, once again, she is right.


I have spent the past 21 months in indecision and now that I have a likely direction, I al spending my time feeling sorry for myself.  I have ready the comments that the pain will come, it will be bad, but it will pass.  


I feel like a kid who needs a shot, so scared it's going to hurt I am paralyzed with fear.


She is tired of me feeling sorry for myself.  Franking I'm getting tired of it too.  Tired of feeling it.  Tired of writing and talking about it.


I am eager for the pain to be over.  More and more I know this means moving out of my house and away from my family.  I am not eager to do that.

Look Kids ... Big Ben ... Parliament ...

So the anger continues and around and around I go in my head.  My blogger friends tell me to be proud of the courage I have shown, but I feel like a douche.


K is angry I did not jump at the chance to commit to her and the kids when I had the chance.  She is pissed I am placing my own happiness above her and the kids and she is pissed that I am reneging on a deal I made before God and witnesses over 16 years ago.  She is pissed that it appears I am willing to through everything we built together away to explore the gay side of the fence, with even knowing for certain I will find happiness there.


She is pissed and she has a right to be.


I have said before that I want nothing more than to be straight and have my family back.  I would love to recommit myself to her and the kids forever.  I really would.  It's nice that she will give me that chance even thought she knows I am gay.


However...


How does that address the pain and loneliness I feel sitting on the fence?  How does recommitting to my marriage address the frustration of having to hide who I am all the time?  Is the peace I MAY find being honest and open about who I am, worth the damage and fallout that will happen here?  


What about the fallout to me?


Damn.

Still A Long Way To Go

So there is still a long way to go on my journey.  


On Saturday I has a melt down.  I knew K was angry with me and I I felt so sad and guilty for being the cause of her pain, I could actually feel pressure in my temples. As if my brain was going to explode.  All I could feel was sadness.  I went to see T on Saturday night and even that did little to help.  He and I have such little time together, it was a shame to ruin it like that.


I did feel better on Sunday, but only a little.


Today it was back to work after 11 days off.  Not only that it was COLD.  I'm starting to think global warming IS a hoax.


She is angry that I cannot be happy with her.  She is frustrated that I am gay.  She knows that I did not choose to be gay.  She knows that I did not lie to her when we got married and she knows that when I say I love her, I mean it.  I also think she is coming to the realization that for the past several months, maybe more, she has been in denial about who I am and what that means. 


I think the biggest thing is not my desire be be with a man, it's my desire to no longer hide who I am.  It is exhausting to always be pretending to be someone I'm not.  While it is possible I will find that all the people who like me now, will still like me once they know I am gay, I think it will be very liberating for me to be who I am.  Then I will know for sure.  I will be me.


I think this is what K is starting to see about me.  It's much more than just sex.  It's living with integrity.  It's living in the open.  It's living not on the down low, but the up high.


People can choose to associate with me or not, because I am gay, but at least I will know that the ones that stick with me are doing so because they like the real me, not the fake me I have been projecting all these years.


I feel like I have been rambling and I don't if any of that made sense.


It's been a long few days.

Gotta Love Mom...

I called my mother this afternoon to fill her in on the turn my situation has taken. I explained it all to her, my living on the fence metaphor, the options we (K and I) discussed with her therapist, and what we had finally settled on.

She listened, she understood, she let me know that she loved me, and asked what kind of support I needed. (How sweet is that?) We talked about how hard it is going to be over the next year as we work on the separation. Hard for me and hard for K.

The she asked me if I was still seeing T. I told her I was actually going to see him tomorrow. She told me that she has a vision of him and I together and it makes her feel happy. I thought that was really nice and it made me happy too.

On another note, K is not at all happy with me. She has not said much about anything since Wednesday, but I can tell. She has been short and our conversations have been very transactional. I know that she will be angry for a while and I know there is not much I can do to help her, even thought I want to.

I have no doubt that we are moving the right direction, no matter how painful it will be now, but it also kills me to see her hurting so much. I don't know if I should just stay out of her way or if I should be there for her to talk to (assuming she wants to). For the time being I am being as helpful as I can with the kids and leaving her alone. I encouraged her to go and ride her horse this evening and I would make dinner, for example.

I am hopeful for a good 2010 and beyond, but I know there is a lot of unpaved road ahead.