Thursday, January 7, 2010

It's Not My Problem

Sometimes I think this is not a blog about me, it's about K.  I seem to talk about her so much.  I guess she is such a HUGE part of my life that I just can't get away from it.

So last night we talked and I told her why I did not just at the opportunity to recommit. I explained that I was unsure how I would deal with the sadness and loneliness associated with living on the fence.  How do deal with the pain of hiding all the time?

Her answer was simple.  "If you can't be happy here with me, then go and see if you can have happiness on the flowery, gay side of the fence."    She went on to tell me that this was not her problem and she cannot tell me she cannot tell me what I should do.

Of course, once again, she is right.

I have spent the past 21 months in indecision and now that I have a likely direction, I al spending my time feeling sorry for myself.  I have ready the comments that the pain will come, it will be bad, but it will pass.  

I feel like a kid who needs a shot, so scared it's going to hurt I am paralyzed with fear.

She is tired of me feeling sorry for myself.  Franking I'm getting tired of it too.  Tired of feeling it.  Tired of writing and talking about it.

I am eager for the pain to be over.  More and more I know this means moving out of my house and away from my family.  I am not eager to do that.


Java said...

She's an important person in your life, you love her, and of course you are concerned about her. That's fine.

Also, if you focus your energies on how she feels and what's best for her, you might be able to avoid thinking about what you need, at least for a while.

I'll tell you what you already know. The only way out of this mess is to go through it.

If you'd like, you can send me an email and we can discuss further. If you want to. Your call. Just click on the "Java" or my little coffee bear icon at the beginning of this comment and it takes you to my Blogger profile page, where there is a link to my email. I'll be more than happy to hear from you.

The Lion Queen said...

I think you need to make a decision and live with the consequences. Whatever decision you make someone will get hurt and you'll never really know if you made the right decision or not. But it's something that has to be done.

Until you make the decision everyone is living in limbo and that will eventually lead to big problems (that's just my humble opinion of course).

Good luck.

manxxman said...

You're dealing with a great many emotions.......not all yours. Why don't you stick to dealing with that which you have control over and let the others work on their stuff.

You've already made a start moving on it.....stop second guessing it or it's not really a decision.