Wednesday, January 13, 2010

You Are a Selfish Jackass

How much do you sacrifice for your marriage, for the ones you love?  How much suffering do you endure for your family?

"You are leaving. You are putting your happiness above the rest of us.  If it was me, I would have sucked it up and stuck to the commitments I made 16 years ago."  That's what K told me.  I believe she would.

I can't remember if I have blogged about this before, but for several years I was allowed to go out and meet men for sex.  While most men in my situation operate on the down low and cheat on their wives, I had permission in advance.  K and I had an agreement, and there were rules I agreed to follow.  Among them, I had to tell her in advance what my plans were.  If she asked I had to tell her what I did. If she became uncomfortable she would tell me and I would stop.  This went on for more than 4 years.  On the surface it was a great thing.  I got to go out once in a while (usually less than once a month) and I got to maintain my straight facade.  This was my "bisexual" stage.

The problem was 2 fold.  She was not really OK with it (and did not tell me) and when I met T, I fell in love with him (against the rules).  I found out much later that she was not OK with it at all and when I stop and thought about it, of course she was not OK.  She did it, she says, to make me happy, to try to meet my needs and it was sacrifice she made for her marriage to keep her commitments.  I believe her.

So what about me?  Why can't I keep my commitments?  I did say "till death do us part" and generally feel pretty healthy.  In letting me explore my sexuality she was VERY UNselfish and in the end it it probably screwed her.  Is there any wonder I am overcome by guilt most of the time?


I talked to my shrink today (it's too hard to type therapist).  I am trying to get her to help me accept who I am and what it means.  I also need her to help me come to terms with the fact that some people that I love are getting hurt.

She is advising me to get out more and do things, with other gay people if possible.  She says I need to expand my support systems.  In all this, I really don't feel very social.  I feel myself being depressed and sinking deeper.


The Lion Queen said...

Sometimes I think you don't realise how lucky you are/were with the life you were allowed to live. You were married and given permission by your wife to go out and meet men. But it appears that wasn't enough.

The more you write I tend to think that you will not be satisfied in any situation and will always look for something more. In my opinion, if you will separate from K and live with T you will want more ...

Many men - me included - would kill to be so open with their wives that they can go out looking for me with permission.

Be happy with what you have!

Good luck.

manxxman said...

Your shrink is probably right, get yourself a group of gay friends, guys that you can go to a movie with or out to dinner......this doesn't have to do anything with sex, it has to do with supportive friendship.