Thursday, January 21, 2010

A) Secure & Stable B) Is It Worth It?

So this post will be a 2fer

I have spent a lot of time writing here about my problems, my feeling and a bunch of general boo hoo-ing about my situation.  While it is true that I am now in a difficult situation and I have become depressed.

I was not always like that.  I used to be strong & stable.  I was always even handed and even tempered.  I was generally happy and enjoyed my life.  All while I was so far in the closet that I did not even realize I was there.  In a lot of ways I was happier in the closet.  

I used to work with a woman who mother was in a nursing home with advanced Alzheimer's Disease.  Many people with advanced Alzheimer's become paranoid and fearful, but this person did exactly the opposite, she was happy all the time.  She did not know she was in a nursing home, she did not know she was sick, and she did not know that she would soon die from her disease.  In effect, she was in denial about her condition much the same way I was in denial about being gay.     

Now that my genie is out of the bottle and I know who I am, it's a lot harder to go back to those simpler days.


I very much appreciate all the comments I get on on my posts.  I do not sensor them, approval is not required and I have never deleted any because I disagreed.  I am not offended by people offering their opinions.  If I didn't want the opinions of others I would not have started Blogging in the first place.

I have been getting some comments from The Lion Queen ( that are not like many of the others.   Most offer encouragement that separating from K and living my life openly and honestly will set my soul free.  There is a lot of me that thinks that is true and I am working in that direction.

Then there is Lion Queen.  He thinks I should take look at what I have a not be in such a hurry to throw it all away in pursuit of a homo utopia that may or may not be there for me.

He comment on my post from yesterday:

Is giving up your nice house, your wife, time with your kids worth it all?

I wonder whether in 6 months time, sitting alone in a rented room in someone else's house (with or without T) you may come to regret some of your decisions.

I have to say I did not like hearing this even though there is a part of me that feels this way.  I sounds like something K has said to me in the past.  I very much worry that leaving my marriage to live openly as a gay man will ultimately be the wrong choice.  

On the other hand, if you read Lion Queen's blog, he is playing a risky game too.  He is cheating on his wife with other guys.  What kind of hell is he going to have to deal with when (not if) he gets caught?  I'll bet there will be some fallout that will make my situation look like a walk in the park.

Please do not misunderstand, I am not judging him or anyone else.  I am just exploring the possibilities.  If I were to recommit with K, she has already told me that our formerly open arrangement is off the table.  It is no longer an option that I will get permission from her to hook up with other guys.  So then what?  I will have internet porn, but we all know that is a poor substitute.  Sooner or later I will have the "urge" (I really hate that word) to be with a man.  And I worry that eventually Lion Queen and I will both be cheating on our wives, hoping like hell we don't get caught, but knowing in the back of our minds it is only a matter of time before we are busted.

So that brings me back to the question, "Is it worth it?"  The answer is I don't know, but it is something I plan to explore in my hear and maybe here over the next few days.


The Lion Queen said...

Thank you for not being offended by what I write. It isn't my intention. I totally understand where you're coming from and I understand the impossible situation you are in.

You are also right that my situation is also far from ideal - but it's the situation that suits me. I like to think that if I am sensible and disciplined and stick to my way of thinking I can live my "double life" quite happily without being caught.

I think you are incredibly strong and brave to have even got to the situation you are in.

I don't think there is any right answer in our situation. Everyone does what's right for them. I do know that without a doubt the "urge" to be with a guy will always be there. I've met people who have pushed it aside for years - but it ALWAYS returns so you must do what makes you be true to yourself - but you must also remember that you made a commitment to K and by having children you made a commitment to them too.

Thanks for your understanding and I hope things work out good for you either way!!

Nik_TheGreek said...

I'm not in the same situation as you and I might be talking nonsense.
However, I do believe that every individual makes their choices and live with the consequences. You Jim and ‘TheLionQueen’ just see things differently.
I personally could not live the double life that the ‘TheLionQueen’ lives. I’d be feeling guilty, so badly that I’d probably lose my sleep over it. I think that Jim, you think similarly. You need to be honest and responsible of your actions. That is why you first told K about having the need to sleep with men. ‘TheLionQueen’ has the ability to separate his double lives in two different entities and try not to mess one with another… That Jim I do think would work for you…

Anonymous said...

The simple answer is the price is too high. You are a wealthy man with a wife, children, and a life that many would die for. You are loved and you have individuals to love. You are a wealthy man.

The fact that you have the capacity to love a man in a sexual way doesn't mean you have to act on that desire. Each of us has the capacity to lie, cheat, steal and even murder. The fact that we can do such things doesn't mean we must do these things. Admittedly the fact that you have unleashed that capacity to love a man in a sexual way really complicates things. Your "genie in the bottle" analogy is apt.

My heart goes out to you. You have done tremendous damage to your marriage. I don't know if it can be repaired. Perhaps your wife's love for you is only surpassed by her ability to forgive. There are people like that.

The notion that there is magical world over the gay rainbow is at best a misnomer. The same relationship challenges exist there. The challenge to love and be loved.

You are a wealthy man. Don't throw it away.

manxxman said...

Sorry but I couldn't agree less with Ian.....don't even know where he's coming from with his statement.

The truth is "recommitting" is far more harmful and acknowledging that truth about who you are. As for the Lion Queen I also feel that eventually he will get "caught", but that's his road....his path.

Keep working on who you are.....sure it can be lonely sometimes, but at least you won't feel "trapped".