Monday, January 4, 2010

Still A Long Way To Go

So there is still a long way to go on my journey.  

On Saturday I has a melt down.  I knew K was angry with me and I I felt so sad and guilty for being the cause of her pain, I could actually feel pressure in my temples. As if my brain was going to explode.  All I could feel was sadness.  I went to see T on Saturday night and even that did little to help.  He and I have such little time together, it was a shame to ruin it like that.

I did feel better on Sunday, but only a little.

Today it was back to work after 11 days off.  Not only that it was COLD.  I'm starting to think global warming IS a hoax.

She is angry that I cannot be happy with her.  She is frustrated that I am gay.  She knows that I did not choose to be gay.  She knows that I did not lie to her when we got married and she knows that when I say I love her, I mean it.  I also think she is coming to the realization that for the past several months, maybe more, she has been in denial about who I am and what that means. 

I think the biggest thing is not my desire be be with a man, it's my desire to no longer hide who I am.  It is exhausting to always be pretending to be someone I'm not.  While it is possible I will find that all the people who like me now, will still like me once they know I am gay, I think it will be very liberating for me to be who I am.  Then I will know for sure.  I will be me.

I think this is what K is starting to see about me.  It's much more than just sex.  It's living with integrity.  It's living in the open.  It's living not on the down low, but the up high.

People can choose to associate with me or not, because I am gay, but at least I will know that the ones that stick with me are doing so because they like the real me, not the fake me I have been projecting all these years.

I feel like I have been rambling and I don't if any of that made sense.

It's been a long few days.


Java said...

It makes a lot of sense, actually. You're going in the right direction, and it's hard on everyone. This too shall pass. Once on the other side of this huge transition, I suspect (I hope) K will be able to see the benefits to her, to you, and to the family in general. Good luck!

Nik_TheGreek said...

I agree with Java. You know that in the longterm what you're doing is for the best. This transition period will pass. You should be proud of yourself.

jim said...

I don't feel proud.

manxxman said...

Well at some point you are going to start feeling proud......and proud you should'll always be there for K and "your" kids, but you also now need to start being "their" for you......