Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Look Kids ... Big Ben ... Parliament ...

So the anger continues and around and around I go in my head.  My blogger friends tell me to be proud of the courage I have shown, but I feel like a douche.

K is angry I did not jump at the chance to commit to her and the kids when I had the chance.  She is pissed I am placing my own happiness above her and the kids and she is pissed that I am reneging on a deal I made before God and witnesses over 16 years ago.  She is pissed that it appears I am willing to through everything we built together away to explore the gay side of the fence, with even knowing for certain I will find happiness there.

She is pissed and she has a right to be.

I have said before that I want nothing more than to be straight and have my family back.  I would love to recommit myself to her and the kids forever.  I really would.  It's nice that she will give me that chance even thought she knows I am gay.


How does that address the pain and loneliness I feel sitting on the fence?  How does recommitting to my marriage address the frustration of having to hide who I am all the time?  Is the peace I MAY find being honest and open about who I am, worth the damage and fallout that will happen here?  

What about the fallout to me?



The Lion Queen said...

I understand the difficulties you're going through at the moment. There is no easy solution that will leave everybody happy. It's very tough.

Can you delay the exploration of your gay side until your children are perhaps a bit older?

Good luck.

manxxman said...

"The Lion Queen".....delaying in the end will only be more damaging.....believe me "been there, done that".....

As difficult as this is initially, the separation and the "moving on" it is a great deal more healthy. Both your shrink and her's have shown you "the light". Things will not change....you can't stuff the genie back into the bottle.

Let K be angry.....she needs to be, and okay you're going to feel guilty (for awhile). You're not really "exploring" your gay side, the fact is that you are gay, we need to let kids know that it's okay to be who we are at a younger age.

Java said...

She's hurt, of course, and angry. She's mourning the loss of a dream. And now she's asking you to continue to fulfill that dream for her. But honey, you are not the right one to do that now. It's OK. As manxxman said, let her be angry. And let yourself be who you are: a gay man.

It will get better. You probably don't see that now, you may not believe it. But in truth things will improve. You're going in the right direction.