Thursday, January 14, 2010

Lucky? In Many Ways.

I heard from The Lion Queen on my last post and it made me think about if I am luck or not.  Of course in a lot of ways I am, but not in the ways he thinks.

Am I lucky that K has always known about my attraction to men and she has accepted me and loved me anyway?  ABSOLUTELY!!  There is no questions she is a special woman and a special friend.

Was I lucky that K let me seek out other men to satisfy my sexual desires?  Maybe.  

I was able to get my rocks off, but in the end it was just sex.  It was empty and unfulfilling.  I know there are a lot of guys who want exactly that, quick no strings sex (Wham, bam thank you ma'am... sir)  not for me.  Usually left these encounters feeling dirty and ashamed.  Then I slip into bed next to K and wake up in the morning as if nothing happened.

But she allowed this.  Am I lucky? While she told me at the time it was OK, it turned out not to me OK.  She was not at all happy about it.  She was in fact deeply hurt, that she was not enough of a woman to satisfy my needs.  She told me, after the fact, that while she wore a smile, she felt like furniture in her own house.  It's not that I was distant or neglectful to her, quite the opposite I have always been (and continue to be) very attentive to her needs.  But she was in love with a man who was leaving the house and family to have sex with strange men.

Is that lucky?  I suppose if I did not care about her and her feelings, I would think that I was lucky.  I asked her over and over if she was OK with it, just to be sure.  Each time she lied to me, so I would not know how hurt she really was When she finally came clean about her true feelings, I was devastated about the kind of pain I caused her. 

The Lion Queen said something else:  "The more you write I tend to think that you will not be satisfied in any situation and will always look for something more. "  

I hope I do not come across that way.  The truth is I need very little for myself and it takes very little for me to be happy.  All I was is to live in a way that is compatible with who I am.  I want to maintain my a relationship with my best friend and my children.  I don't know what "more" he thinks I need or am looking for.  I want to life with honesty and personal integrity.  I want to be who I am.  Love and be loved.  I want K to be happy and I want to help her be happy.  I want to renew my relationship with her in an honest and open way.  I want to find a man I can love and will love me back.  Eventually I want a partner that I can share my life with.  Is that T?  Maybe. 

Should I have been happy with the old arrangement K and I had?  No.  As I have explained, it was not good for me and it sure as hell was not good for her.  It might have sounded perfect to some, but it was far from it.  It was a lie.  Plain and simple.  While we were honest with each other, we lied to ourselves that everything was OK.

On a final note, I would not have met men at all without her permission.  The idea of cheating on her is repugnant to me.  I know lots of men (gay and straight) cheat on their wives, (and I am not in a position to judge anyone), I could not do it.  I could not look her in the eye in the next morning if I did.  I could not live with that kind of betrayal.  It is the only reason that K is still standing my me today.  I was honest with her from day one.  At least as honest with her as I was with myself.


Joe said...

Well, having seen this up close and personal in BF's life I would think that the "being lucky" is not lucky at all. Like your situation she agrees to it, but hates it the same. It again comes down to integrity and actually striving to become "more" than what we are. Staying in your "lucky" situation means destroying her bit by bit. I don't know how BF lives with it (other than believing her lies that it is "okay") I don't see how you could live with it either.

As for being happy.... You will... this struggle... similar in many ways to both BF and me... You NEED this struggle. Without it, you would not be taking either your vows or your own sexuality seriously. It speaks to the fact that you do indeed have integrity.

I BELIEVE that this struggle, this depression, this fence sitting... it really shows that you take your life, your word seriously. So struggle away. You will get to where you need to be even if it is not in the time that others think it should be. IT WILL BE at the correct time.... "At the fullness of time.... God came...."

Nik_TheGreek said...

I was wondering about what does 'T' have to say about all this. I don't know if he's married as well, as you are or not. Is he willing to wait for you? For how long do you think he'll be there waiting? How's your relationship now?

The Lion Queen said...

I didn't mean to be controversial or judgmental in any way and if I have offended you I apologise.

It's clear that you take your life very seriously, but I'm not sure if you take it a little too seriously and maybe you need to go easier on yourself and not over-analyze everything in such detail.

You are what you are and you must learn to live with that. Obviously easier said than done.

Wishing you good luck.

jim said...

I was not offended and sometimes it is helpful to hear thing you'd rather not hear.

No worries.