Lucky? In Many Ways.

I heard from The Lion Queen on my last post and it made me think about if I am luck or not.  Of course in a lot of ways I am, but not in the ways he thinks.


Am I lucky that K has always known about my attraction to men and she has accepted me and loved me anyway?  ABSOLUTELY!!  There is no questions she is a special woman and a special friend.


Was I lucky that K let me seek out other men to satisfy my sexual desires?  Maybe.  


I was able to get my rocks off, but in the end it was just sex.  It was empty and unfulfilling.  I know there are a lot of guys who want exactly that, quick no strings sex (Wham, bam thank you ma'am... sir)  not for me.  Usually left these encounters feeling dirty and ashamed.  Then I slip into bed next to K and wake up in the morning as if nothing happened.


But she allowed this.  Am I lucky? While she told me at the time it was OK, it turned out not to me OK.  She was not at all happy about it.  She was in fact deeply hurt, that she was not enough of a woman to satisfy my needs.  She told me, after the fact, that while she wore a smile, she felt like furniture in her own house.  It's not that I was distant or neglectful to her, quite the opposite I have always been (and continue to be) very attentive to her needs.  But she was in love with a man who was leaving the house and family to have sex with strange men.


Is that lucky?  I suppose if I did not care about her and her feelings, I would think that I was lucky.  I asked her over and over if she was OK with it, just to be sure.  Each time she lied to me, so I would not know how hurt she really was When she finally came clean about her true feelings, I was devastated about the kind of pain I caused her. 


The Lion Queen said something else:  "The more you write I tend to think that you will not be satisfied in any situation and will always look for something more. "  


I hope I do not come across that way.  The truth is I need very little for myself and it takes very little for me to be happy.  All I was is to live in a way that is compatible with who I am.  I want to maintain my a relationship with my best friend and my children.  I don't know what "more" he thinks I need or am looking for.  I want to life with honesty and personal integrity.  I want to be who I am.  Love and be loved.  I want K to be happy and I want to help her be happy.  I want to renew my relationship with her in an honest and open way.  I want to find a man I can love and will love me back.  Eventually I want a partner that I can share my life with.  Is that T?  Maybe. 


Should I have been happy with the old arrangement K and I had?  No.  As I have explained, it was not good for me and it sure as hell was not good for her.  It might have sounded perfect to some, but it was far from it.  It was a lie.  Plain and simple.  While we were honest with each other, we lied to ourselves that everything was OK.


On a final note, I would not have met men at all without her permission.  The idea of cheating on her is repugnant to me.  I know lots of men (gay and straight) cheat on their wives, (and I am not in a position to judge anyone), I could not do it.  I could not look her in the eye in the next morning if I did.  I could not live with that kind of betrayal.  It is the only reason that K is still standing my me today.  I was honest with her from day one.  At least as honest with her as I was with myself.