Sunday, January 10, 2010

Many Thoughts Today

I have more talk about today.

I know the grass is not always greener on the other side of the fence.  It not so bad here but the longer I hide and live in a way inconsistent with who I am the harder it gets.  I read a lot of blogs written by gay man, many of them wither are of have been married to women.  All of these men have increase in their happiness that comes from just not having to hide anymore.  But in all cases, they have given up something, some more than others.  All so they can live honestly.  Most everyone does not have a perfect life, but everyone deals with it and makes the best in their own way.

I need to come to terms with the idea that my life will not be perfect but if I have inner peace may the rest will work out as it should.  It sounds simple enough, right?  I wish.


K provides insights to me at the strangest times.  We were on our way to church this morning with all the kids in the van.  I said something my therapist told me about "not loving myself" as a reason that I overeat .  K told me if I would accept who I am, and then everyone would get over it, and I could love myself more.

I asked her later what she meant by that and she asked me if I wanted the "nice" answer of the "unfiltered"   

NICE:  The sooner you accept who you are and what it means to live as a openly gay man the sooner the rest of us can adapt and move on with our lives.

UNFILTERED: The sooner you accept who you are and come to terms with the fact you are screwing us all over, the sooner we can all get on with our lives.

I am not so thrilled with the idea of screwing anyone.  ("Well that's too bad, you have to get over that.")  That hurts, but if that's how she feels


I was reading the post "Jagged Little Pill" by Emerging Identity (  This was a long post with a lot to say, but in the second half he was talking about his BF and BF's relationship with his wife.  They are in a place where they don't really like each other, yet, BF is paralyzed and cannot leave her and live a life more consistent with who he is.

In a lot of ways his situation is a lot like mine, except K and I still like each other.  I enjoy her company and we are good to each other (for the most part).  Not that I wish for this in any way, it would be easier for us to separate if we disliked each other.  It would be more obvious that we cannot be married.  it might be easier for all of us to accept.


I spent a little time on Craig's List looking for people nearby who might have rooms for rent.  Very depressing.


The Lion Queen said...

Still wishing you lots of luck.

From the things you say that K is saying, you need to start making decisions. I have a feeling you need to do it before others start making decisions for you.

Thinking of you.

manxxman said...

Lion Queen is correct, you need to start making decisions or you'll be left with what others "give" you. As for "BF" you're lucky you're not like him.....he can't go forward or backward and he's dragging all those involved with him along for the ride.

Be glad that K loves you, yes it's harder to leave....but at least she will be there as a friend you can count on.

Bigg said...

I went through this. Yes, there are things you'll have to give up - and once you've mourned them, you'll be able to go on without them.

Yes, it's hard. Yes, it hurts everyone involved. But you only get this one life. Don't you want to be free for even a little part of it?

I felt all those same fears. Now I am (over forty!) happy, partnered, and loved. Freedom and honesty are worth it. Loving yourself is worth it.

YOU are worth it.

Anonymous said...

Read some of your said you and T love each other. If T is like what Manxxman said, why be with him? Why complicate your life further? On the other hand, if you love T, why let someone else disrespect him? Take constructive suggestions. Don't listen to some bitter fag.