Saturday, January 9, 2010

Not Sure What to Write...

I have the urge to write, but I really have nothing to say.  K has been gone all day for her job.  I have been home with the kids and stuck inside.  It is sunny but too cold for anyone to want to go play outside.

I have not had much movement on my situation, but I have not expected too much this week anyway.  I did find a woman that was renting a room, but it will not be available until Feb 1.  I told K about this, but she did not have much to say about it.  Feels like I am running alone on a very long road

Of course the fear that leaving for the "gay side" of the fence not knowing if it will be better, or even good, is a problem for me.  The uncertainty is very stressful for me.

I read a lot of other blogs and I read one today that is a little disturbing and did not help me feel better about.  Chris at "My Journey Out" ( Most recent post does not speak very well about the prospects for an over 40 guy, who might have a few extra pounds and less than an full head of hair.  

Of course I don't have a lot of experience with gay  "culture", if there is such a thing and it may be overstated the shallowness of a gay men.  If Chris is right, I'm screwed.  

On the other hand, I have T who does love me and I love him back.  Maybe I don't need to worry about gay culture at all.  It's like I need one more thing to worry about.  Maybe I should be worried about what might happen this month and not so much about.  


Java said...

I have the urge to respond, but I really don't know what to say.

I'm glad I found your blog. Your journey is fraught with angst. I am sorely tempted to tell you to go easy on yourself, but I suspect you won't really hear me, so just forget I said anything. You write well. Your story is compelling. Keep it up.

RB said...

I think Chris is will find a very shallow, self centered rude culture that is not interested in guys over 40. The decent looking guys over 40 are looking for younger guys.

It's frustrating....and can be lonely.

The Lion Queen said...

I agree with the others. It's part of the "grass is greener" syndrome. You want what you can't have and I'm sure that once you have it, you won't want it. Things from your side of the fence look much better until you cross over the fence.

I'm sorry it's lots of cliches, but I think they sum up quite well the way I see your situation.

Wishing you lots of luck.

manxxman said...

Don't worry about things which are beyond your control. The "vaunted" gay culture is different for each of us. Chris writes a thoroughly entertaining blog and I missed him when he stopped for that 6 months, but his requirements are probably very different from yours. Take a deep breath and keep moving forward.

Tom said...

Venturing out on your own and finding yourself shouldn't include a BF... The best advice I got before beginning My New Life, was to "date" and "socialize" but not get seriously involved with anyone for at least a year... Those of us that led one life (ie: married with kids) and then take that bold move out of the closet, have a lot to re-learn before complicating things with another relationship. In other words, You need to do this for yourself, not because you found someone you want to be with. I am 54 now and during that first year I had no problem dating and socializing, neither will you!