A) Secure & Stable B) Is It Worth It?

So this post will be a 2fer

I have spent a lot of time writing here about my problems, my feeling and a bunch of general boo hoo-ing about my situation.  While it is true that I am now in a difficult situation and I have become depressed.


I was not always like that.  I used to be strong & stable.  I was always even handed and even tempered.  I was generally happy and enjoyed my life.  All while I was so far in the closet that I did not even realize I was there.  In a lot of ways I was happier in the closet.  


I used to work with a woman who mother was in a nursing home with advanced Alzheimer's Disease.  Many people with advanced Alzheimer's become paranoid and fearful, but this person did exactly the opposite, she was happy all the time.  She did not know she was in a nursing home, she did not know she was sick, and she did not know that she would soon die from her disease.  In effect, she was in denial about her condition much the same way I was in denial about being gay.     


Now that my genie is out of the bottle and I know who I am, it's a lot harder to go back to those simpler days.




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I very much appreciate all the comments I get on on my posts.  I do not sensor them, approval is not required and I have never deleted any because I disagreed.  I am not offended by people offering their opinions.  If I didn't want the opinions of others I would not have started Blogging in the first place.


I have been getting some comments from The Lion Queen (http://idontunderstanditeither.blogspot.com/) that are not like many of the others.   Most offer encouragement that separating from K and living my life openly and honestly will set my soul free.  There is a lot of me that thinks that is true and I am working in that direction.


Then there is Lion Queen.  He thinks I should take look at what I have a not be in such a hurry to throw it all away in pursuit of a homo utopia that may or may not be there for me.


He comment on my post from yesterday:


Is giving up your nice house, your wife, time with your kids worth it all?

I wonder whether in 6 months time, sitting alone in a rented room in someone else's house (with or without T) you may come to regret some of your decisions.



I have to say I did not like hearing this even though there is a part of me that feels this way.  I sounds like something K has said to me in the past.  I very much worry that leaving my marriage to live openly as a gay man will ultimately be the wrong choice.  


On the other hand, if you read Lion Queen's blog, he is playing a risky game too.  He is cheating on his wife with other guys.  What kind of hell is he going to have to deal with when (not if) he gets caught?  I'll bet there will be some fallout that will make my situation look like a walk in the park.


Please do not misunderstand, I am not judging him or anyone else.  I am just exploring the possibilities.  If I were to recommit with K, she has already told me that our formerly open arrangement is off the table.  It is no longer an option that I will get permission from her to hook up with other guys.  So then what?  I will have internet porn, but we all know that is a poor substitute.  Sooner or later I will have the "urge" (I really hate that word) to be with a man.  And I worry that eventually Lion Queen and I will both be cheating on our wives, hoping like hell we don't get caught, but knowing in the back of our minds it is only a matter of time before we are busted.


So that brings me back to the question, "Is it worth it?"  The answer is I don't know, but it is something I plan to explore in my hear and maybe here over the next few days.