Sunday, November 14, 2010

Am I Greedy?

T and I have been together for the past two nights.  While the flavor of the two evenings was different, the feelings in my heart were the same.

On Friday night we hung out at his house.  He works on Saturday and typically brings home a couple of boxes of files to work on.  It is difficult for him to go out on Fridays because the paperwork needs to get done before he can go to bed.  When I go to his house on Fridays, the evening usually is me and him on the couch with the TV on. He works and I sit next to him flipping channels.  I know that probably sounds boring to some people, but I love it.  I am happy doing things with T.  I am equally happy doing nothing with T.  What matters is, I am with T.

Saturday I picked him up at his house and we went out to dinner.  After dinner we did some other stuff.  I'd tell you about it, but this is not that kind of blog. 

As we talked, I took note of the good place we are in.  My family is OK.  K is OK, and for the most part I am OK.  T and I get to see each other more than ever before.   His, very traditional family, is growing more and more comfortable with me and our relationship.

As good a place as we are in, I see it as a transitional state.  At some point I still want the one thing that I want.  I want a partner, a husband.  Of course this is more than T can commit to at this point.  It's not like I can leave K and the kids and move in with him today either.  But I can see the time when I can.  I know that I will get there.  There is a clear path to where I want to go.

While I want my partner, I don't want just anyone.  T is the one I want.  The more we are together, the more sure I am.

"You are greedy" is what he told me last night.  I pretended to ignore the comment, because I didn't really know what to say.  I filed it away for further reflection.  Now almost 24 hours later I have had a chance to think about it some more.  Am I greedy?  Do I want everything?  Why can't I enjoy today without worrying about tomorrow?  I have a boyfriend that loves me.  There are so many gay men who don't even have that.

I think that he brings up a good point and I think I need to explore it more.  I think that sometimes my anticipation of what is to come will sometimes limit the enjoyment I get from whatever I am doing now.  As for my future, I think that I am not completely comfortable with where I am headed.  There is still the possibility that I will end up alone, even if T and I are still together.

I will poke around this topic a little more and let you know if I have any epiphanies.   


TwoLives said...

"I think that I am not completely comfortable with where I am headed. There is still the possibility that I will end up alone, even if T and I are still together."

Getting married is the most logical way of eliminating this fear, that is probably why you think about it.

I don't think you're greedy. I think you want some reassurance that you're not going to be alone. That's a perfectly rational fear! But what can you do about it now? Not much. Maybe just acknowledging the fear and talking to T about it will help. But, no, you're not greedy.

Biki said...

I don't see it as being greedy at all. Only you wanting to live with the person you love. Hopefully by the time you will be free to move out, T will have decided that he wishes to live with you as well.