I am not this fat, but I used to be. Well, not really, but I was pretty fat.
Back in the spring of 2007, my grandfather passed away. He was 96. I drove about 1200 miles for his funeral and during that time I made a very unsettling discovery. I was the fattest guy in my family. And there was a LOT of family there that day.
When I for home from that trip I started a serious diet plan. I also was at the YMCA every morning before work. Over the course of the next 8 months I lost 50 pounds. I was doing great. My goal was be around 180 pounds. The closest I got was 195.
I liked being thiner. I thought it was cool that I could look down in the shower and see my... er... you know... my parts... Any who.... I loved the way people, who were used to seeing me fat, reacted to the thinner new me. Just like on the Biggest Loser!!
So I got myself to a place where I was working out about 5 or 6 days a week before work. Sometimes, if I could swing it, I would also go back in the afternoon with K and kids.
I wanted to look like this, but once I got below 200 pounds I started to think I was "Joe Weightloss" and it would be OK if I would indulge and overeat sometimes. I would figure I would make it up the next day. Before I knew it I would be over eating my work out and I would start putting on the weight again.
The my older son started a new school, 2 years ago and I had to drive him to school every day. This put an end to my before work work outs. That only lasted on year and he is back in a school where he gets a bus so while I can't use that as an excuse anymore, it is what got me off track to begin with.
Now I am at a point where it is hard for me to walk up more than one flight of stairs without feeling winded. So I have the double whammy of having put on the weight back on and I have lost all the endurance gains I made with all that working out.
When I was seeing a therapist, she suggested that my over eating and lack of exercise has it's root in how I felt about myself. She mentioned that she thought since I was so deep in the closet that I was taking comfort in food and did not really care what it was doing to my body. I did not love myself enough to care care of my body.
I am, mostly, out of the closet now. I have a boyfriend that I am in love with. K is happy and my kids are pretty well adjusted. I expect when they find out I am gay, they will continue to be well adjusted. I still get lonely and I wish that I could be with T more, but on balance, I am pretty happy. My life is pretty good. So why have I continued to put on the weight. Well for one I really like to eat. It is one of the things that gives me joy all the time, except after I eat it when I feel guilty. (yes, I know, classic addiction behavior)
That started to change yesterday. With K's high school sports season over, I went to the YMCA yesterday after work. I mean it this time. I have had enough of being tired all the time. I had a really hard work out that 3 years I would have done in my sleep. I did not like the way I looked in the mirrors. I am really going to do something about this. I am going to fix it.
I did not get to the Y today but after I post this, I will put the kids to bed and then walk outside for an hour listening the podcast of Countdown with Keith Olbermann.
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