I do not feel as depressed as my post from yesterday made me sound. In general, I'm doing pretty well, but there are times, flashes of things that trigger memories about things that make me think about the past or the future.
There was a time when I would think about the past in a regretful, what if, kind of way. That is over now. Now when memories of the past come up I can allow myself to smile and remember them as good times. Even the bad times K and I had, can be remembered as good times because we got through them together. Now I am sure if something bad happens again, we will be there for each other. In some ways now it might even be better since she will also have AJ to lean on with her problems and I will have T to lean on for mine.
When I get flashes of the future, I still sometime (only sometimes) I still morn the plans I had for my life that are no more. I think it is more a matter of my future not being clear. While in the closet, my path in life was clear. I could see all the way to the end. It was a fairly typical path. You know the one from the Norman Rockwell painting.
I think it is more the clarity that I used to have is gone. I like stability and I like knowing where I am going. I don't like uncertainty and I have more of than I like.
I spent so many years building my old dreams and because my new dreams are not fully formed, it sometimes causes me a measure of sadness.
All that said, I have many blessings that add much of the stability I crave.
- I have great kids, who I hope will still love me as much when they find out I'm gay.
- I have the best, best friend (and the mother of my kids) and she loves me while she is falling in love with her new man.
- I have a family that supports me even though they are far away
- and mostly, I have a man who I have fallen deeply in love with and he is in love with me. Our relationship continues to grow and I am, pleased with the direction it is moving.
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