I think there is something wrong with my brain.
I have been swamped all week, I have not had anytime to update the blog. Some of that is good news. I have been to see T three times this week. I am not exactly sure, but that might be the most number of times in a week in the two and a half years we have been seeing each other.
K has finished her High School coaching season. She finished 4th in the state tournament. The best record the school has ever had. I'm glad for her, but I am also glad that season is over. She does start another season next week that will run to April, but it is only 2 days a week and some Saturdays. That's not so bad. I can still have some time for me.
This week I had more time for me than I've had in a long time.
I called T at the spur of the moment on Wednesday and Friday this week, when I turned out I had some extra time. Both times he was happy to have me come down. Both times I had dinner with the family. On Friday, I picked him up at his office and we met his family at a restaurant. While were were there I decided that they had all been so nice and generous to me, I would pay for the meal. Not that it was a big deal, but it was a way of saying thank you.
After dinner I went back to his house and we watched TV while sitting together on the couch. It was nice. Better than nice, really. More like a dream come true. I mean, if you had told me 3 years ago that K would be OK and I could be snuggling in front of the TV with a man I am in love with, I would have laughed at you. As crazy as it seemed at the time, it is the situation I find myself.
But there are times when I think about my old life, I get a little sad. This is where my apparent brain damage comes in.
Last night I was back at T's house. We moved a bunch of his plants inside because it was going to be cold last night. Then they fed me (I always seem to show up there at meal time.) and T and I were to snuggle up on the couch and watch a movie from his sister's vast collection. A perfect evening right? I was feeling a little sad. It was stupid and irrational but I was.
While I was gone, K was having AJ and another couple over at our house. The 2 couples were going to play cards. That was when I felt a twinge of sadness. It was not a lot, and it did not last long, but it was enough that I stopped and thought about it
Growing up, my parent would sometimes get together with other couples (friends or relatives) and play cards. For hours it seemed. Once K and I got married we would sometimes play with my parents. When we moved away from home we would play with other friends we met here. I really liked those games. In those moments I felt connected. I did not think about being gay. Things were normal then.
Now, I don't want anyone to think I was not happy being with T last night, I was. I did not want to be anywhere other than where I was, holding the man I love. I think it was more a reminder of the transition from my old life to my new life. And since my old life was not so bad, there are still some elements of loss. I am grateful that I was able to sooth that sense of loss by holding T tightly and basking in his love.
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