Sunday, November 7, 2010

New Life / Old Life

I think there is something wrong with my brain. 

I have been swamped all week, I have not had anytime to update the blog. Some of that is good news.  I have been to see T three times this week.  I am not exactly sure, but that might be the most number of times in a week in the two and a half years we have been seeing each other.

K has finished her High School coaching season.  She finished 4th in the state tournament.  The best record the school has ever had.  I'm glad for her, but I am also glad that season is over.  She does start another season next week that will run to April, but it is only 2 days a week and some Saturdays.  That's not so bad.  I can still have some time for me.

This week I had more time for me than I've had in a long time.

I called T at the spur of the moment on Wednesday and Friday this week, when I turned out I had some extra time.  Both times he was happy to have me come down.  Both times I had dinner with the family.  On Friday, I picked him up at his office and we met his family at a restaurant.  While were were there I decided that they had all been so nice and generous to me, I would pay for the meal.  Not that it was a big deal, but it was a way of saying thank you.

After dinner I went back to his house and we watched TV while sitting together on the couch.  It was nice.  Better than nice, really.  More like a dream come true.  I mean, if you had told me 3 years ago that K would be OK and I could be snuggling in front of the TV with a man I am in love with, I would have laughed at you.  As crazy as it seemed at the time, it is the situation I find myself.

But there are times when I think about my old life, I get a little sad.  This is where my apparent brain damage comes in.

Last night I was back at T's house.  We moved a bunch of his plants inside because it was going to be cold last night.  Then they fed me (I always seem to show up there at meal time.) and T and I were to snuggle up on the couch and watch a movie from his sister's vast collection.  A perfect evening right?  I was feeling a little sad.  It was stupid and irrational but I was.

While I was gone, K was having AJ and another couple over at our house.  The 2 couples were going to play cards.  That was when I felt a twinge of sadness.  It was not a lot, and it did not last long, but it was enough that I stopped and thought about it

Growing up,  my parent would sometimes get together with other couples (friends or relatives) and play cards.  For hours it seemed.  Once K and I got married we would sometimes play with my parents.  When we moved away from home we would play with other friends we met here.  I really liked those games.  In those moments I felt connected.  I did not think about being gay.  Things were normal then.

Now, I don't want anyone to think I was not happy being with T last night, I was.  I did not want to be anywhere other than where I was, holding the man I love.  I think it was more a reminder of the transition from my old life to my new life.  And since my old life was not so bad, there are still some elements of loss.  I am grateful that I was able to sooth that sense of loss by holding T tightly and basking in his love.

1 comment:

Cubby said...

"...basking in his love." I love this phrase.