Saturday, November 20, 2010

Losing Sight

I think it is easy to lose sight of what you have.  I think it is easy to want for more even though you would not trade for it anyway.

It's easy to say this guy is attractive (and he is) and have a fantasy about him.  But would I trade what I have for him?  No way!!!

My kids mean the world to me.  They really do.  I would not trade any of them on their worst day.  Of my 4 kids, one has a pretty severe neurological disorder and another has seizures.    As we deal with doctors, tests and the schools, it is easy to look at the "normal" kids and wish for kids that were more like everyone else.  But I don't.  My  kids are my kids.  You cannot change them out and even if I could, I wouldn't

My relationship with T is the same way.  I have written before about my long term goals.  I want to have a partner, ideally a husband, to share my life with.  To be fully meshed into my life and my family.  And I fully meshed into his.

I am deeply in love with T and he is in love with me.  We are good together on so many levels, but there are challenges.  Because of his family situation it will be difficult, maybe impossible for us to live together.  We are making a concerted effort to make his family more comfortable with me and with our relationship.  (Truth be told, he is working on it harder than I am).  While I think we are moving in the right direction, there is no guarantee that I will get the one thing that I want. 

There have been those who have told me that T may not be the right guy for me, if he cannot meet my needs.  Maybe I need to find another.  Look for someone without all these entanglements.  One who can invest all, or at least most, of his time into us and our live together.   

The truth is I love him.  I cannot simply trade him in for a model with a single apartment and  an estranged family.  Even if someone was there, right in front of me, I would not take the prospect.  

I even tried it once, before I fully learned my lesson.  Remember my trip out west at the end of last April?  I thought I was going to make a love connection with a man who was willing to drop everything to be with me.  So what happened?  I ended up making a good friend, but I did not make a love connection.  But why did I not?  It was not because my friend was not a good man, or that we did not have a lot in common.  It was not that he was not attractive or that we did not connect.  But it was because my heart was not for him.  My heart was for T and T alone.  

I could not simply swap T's place in my heart for someone else.  It just does not work that way.

T is not perfect and I am a LONG way from perfect.  But together I think we are really good to each other and for each other.  I am not interested in trading him in for Peter Le (the model in the picture above) or anyone else.

In the end, we WILL find our way.  We will find it together.

1 comment:

Paul said...

Jim, Thanks for sharing the need for perspective - the grass is not necessarily greener on the other side despite appearances. It looks like you have found a good balance in your life and it reminds me at this time of thanksgiving that I need to count my blessings. I guess the only slight worry I have in all of this is the doubt that maybe I am settling for less. Sure no one is perfect, but sometimes it's hard to be sure that there isn't someone out there who could more fully complement me. It's especially hard for us married guys who have devoted many years to a woman,and now are looking for the right man. Maybe we have found him. Happy Thanksgiving, Paul