Do I Love Myself Enough?

I am not this fat, but I used to be.  Well, not really, but I was pretty fat.


Back in the spring of 2007, my grandfather passed away.  He was 96.  I drove about 1200 miles for his funeral and during that time I made a very unsettling discovery.  I was the fattest guy in my family.  And there was a LOT of family there that day.


When I for home from that trip I started a serious diet plan.  I also was at the YMCA every morning before work.   Over the course of the next 8 months I lost 50 pounds.  I was doing great.  My goal was be around 180 pounds.  The closest I got was 195.  


I liked being thiner.  I thought it was cool that I could look down in the shower and see my... er... you know... my parts...  Any who....  I loved the way people, who were used to seeing me fat, reacted to the thinner new me.  Just like on the Biggest Loser!!


So I got myself to a place where I was working out about 5 or 6 days a week before work.  Sometimes, if I could swing it, I would also go back in the afternoon with K and kids.

I wanted to look like this, but once I got below 200 pounds I started to think I was "Joe Weightloss" and it would be OK if I would indulge and overeat sometimes. I would figure I would make it up the next day.  Before I knew it I would be  over eating my work out and I would start putting on the weight again.


The my older son started a new school, 2 years ago and I had to drive him to school every day.  This put an end to my before work work outs.  That only lasted on year and he is back in a school where he gets a bus so while I can't use that as an excuse anymore, it is what got me off track to begin with.


Now I am at a point where it is hard for me to walk up more than one flight of stairs without feeling winded.  So I have the double whammy of having put on the weight back on and I have lost all the endurance gains I made with all that working out.


When I was seeing a therapist, she suggested that my over eating and lack of exercise has it's root in how I felt about myself.  She mentioned that she thought since I was so deep in the closet that I was taking comfort in food and did not really care what it was doing to my body.  I did not love myself enough to care care of my body.  


I am, mostly, out of the closet now.  I have a boyfriend that I am in love with.  K is happy and my kids are pretty well adjusted.  I expect when they find out I am gay, they will continue to be well adjusted.  I still get lonely and I wish that I could be with T more, but on balance, I am pretty happy.  My life is pretty good.  So why have I continued to put on the weight.  Well for one I really like to eat.  It is one of the things that gives me joy all the time, except after I eat it when I feel guilty. (yes, I know, classic addiction behavior)


That started to change yesterday.  With K's high school sports season over, I went to the YMCA yesterday after work.   I mean it this time.  I have had enough of being tired all the time.  I had a really hard work out that 3 years I would have done in my sleep.  I did not like the way I looked in the mirrors.  I am really going to do something about this.  I am going to fix it.


I did not get to the Y today but after I post this, I will put the kids to bed and then walk outside for an hour listening the podcast of Countdown with Keith Olbermann.