Goodbye To 2012

I woke up early this morning.  It was still dark.  Squinting, I could see the clock across the room.

3:25am.

There is movement in the bed next to me.  T is there... sleeping and tangled up in my sheets. I just can't think of a better way to end the year.

This is what I have always dreamed of.  I roll over and smile as I go back to sleep.  When we both wake several hours later, his face is the first thing I see.

Before getting out of bed, we were chatting about... well... just regular stuff.  We got up, showered, got dressed and headed out for breakfast.  We went to a local Dunkin Donuts.  I got coffee.  He got a couple of donuts.  We found a small table next to the window.  I brought my BlackBerry tablet with me and as we enjoyed breakfast together, we did a little research on a business idea he had.

After almost 5 years, I am still happiest when we are together. We were not doing anything remarkable,  just having breakfast and coffee.  It's just that we were doing it together, that made it wonderful for me.

As I move into 2013, I am going to make some changes in my life.  I'll also try to blog more often. I may also change the focus somewhat.

Happy 2013 to everyone!  

Asian Boyfriend Supermarket

You know that fruit you find at a Chinese buffet.  They look like small white golf balls.  They are Longans and my daughter loves them.  She calls them "circles".  You cannot buy them in a regular supermarket, but in most Asian markets the come in cans.

I went to see T last night. I met him at his house and we went out for dinner and a little shopping. While we were out, I asked about going to the Asian market for some circles.

There is a small Asian market near T's office but that is quite a way from his house.  I was just about to give up when he remembered there is a new market not too far away.  We headed that direction.  I was expecting a small store packed with stuff.  But when we pulled in, it was not what I expected. It was huge!!  And it was full of Asian people.  Some of the guys there were cute.

We got what we needed and headed back to the car.

"This place is great!!" I told him.  "When you decide to dump me, I know where to come to find my next Asian boyfriend."

"Consider yourself dumped." he said, but got in the car anyway.

Dinner and Little Houses

Last night I was at T's house. I met him there after he and his family had gone to church. His mom made this beef / noodle soup I really like so I was excited to join them for dinner.

T's oldest sister from California has been staying there of the past few weeks.  She is a little unsure about the whole gay thing and is not thrilled about T having a boyfriend.   Last night at dinner she sat next to me, just because it was the only seat left at the table. She basically ignored me for most of the meal.  Even though I know she speaks fluent English, I have never heard her say anything in English.  

At the end of the meal, T's parents left the table and T and the sisters I know well, switched to English and I joined in the conversation.  His older sister (the one who had been ignoring me) comment she agreed with what I had said.  I noticed the change.  Later, T told me his father told his sister I'm nice.  I thought that was pretty cool.  Maybe he was giving her permission to be nice to me.

Maybe there is hope after all.

After dinner T asked me to help him set his Christmas village under the tree.  I took the picture you see here last night.   Don't you think he has nice knees?  Anyway, he has little street lights, little trees, and little people that all needed to be placed in just the right spot.  We taped the street lamps to the floor.  We ran the power cords. We placed the little houses in the right order to make a little town.

I loved watching him.  He had a vision of what it should all look like. It was fun to watch him work it out in his head and then place everything in the right spot.  (The fact he is a little OCD adds to my amusement.). I know that he loved having me there with him too.  For a while, it was almost like it was our house and our tree.

But it wasn't. The evening came to a close and it was time for me to go.  I felt a little sad.  Actually, always feel a little sad when I have to leave him.  As we hugged good night, he noticed a tear, but just one.  I was not crying, but sometimes my emotions show more than I want them too.

I drove home and I knew he was waiting up for me to get there.  Making sure I made it home safely before going to sleep himself.  Even though I was home alone, I could feel his love.

Who Cares What They Think?

Rob, from Below the Radar, asked a good question about my last post:

"OMG, Those people think we're gay!!!  Who the fuck cares what they think?"

Every time I comment on a comment, I preface it with, "I don't usually comment on comments, but I'm going to on this one."  So, here goes.

When T and I go out, I give some thought to how we act together and how we are perceived by the people around us.  I think about it on a couple levels.

Survival is one.  We live in the buckle of the Bible Belt and walking around holding hands could get us both killed.  Now, this is not something I think about a lot, but if I am being honest, it is a consideration.

Putting that to the side, when I think others have identified us as a gay couple, I am not stressed about it.  On the contrary, I think it's a good thing.  I have not been out very long, relatively speaking.  On some levels, being an out gay man is still something of a novelty for me.  It's still new and fresh.  When think that someone know who I really am, and I don't sense a negative change in their behavior, it really does give me a lift.  It makes me... well ...  just a little bit happier.  

If I get a negative reaction, like I did from the kid clearing the table at the restaurant, I note it, but I don't dwell on it.  It does not make me feel badly.  Not even a little bit.  Probably because I have trained myself, over the years in the closet, to assume everyone will react negatively, so when they do, it is really of no consequence.

So, who the fuck cares what other people think?  

Not me.  

Unless what they think makes me just a little bit happier.

Do Straight Guys Go For Ice Cream... Together?

Last night T and I went out for dinner.  I had to work all weekend, so it was nice to have a few minutes to see him.

I am not bothered by it, but when we go out I often wonder if the people around us can tell we are a couple.  A gay couple.  T always says, of course they know.  A white guy and an Asian guy together can only be a gay couple.  

Generally, I am an observer of people.  I watch people as they pass me.  I look at their eyes, their facial expressions and changes in them as I approach or pass.  Last night I was watching at dinner.

After the people at the table next to us (behind T, I was facing it) left, a kid came to clear the table.  He was an Asian kid about 19-ish, and he glanced over at me as he was clearing the table.  I met his eyes and he looked away.   A few seconds later, he looked at me again.  This time his expression was slightly different, decidedly negative.  He only looked of for a second, finished his work and left.  

"I think that guy thinks were, gay." I said. 

T chuckled at me, "I think everyone in this place think's we're gay."

He was probably right, but that kid didn't approve.

After dinner, he asked me if I wanted to go for ice cream.  Of course I did.  Ice cream is once of my real weaknesses.  So we drove to a local ice cream shop.  It was empty except for 2 older ladies who were chatting over their ice cream.  T and I sampled a few flavors, ordered and took our treats to go.

As we walked out, one of the ladies looked up at me.  I could tell she thought we were gay too.  Her look, however, was not disapproving.  Simply a casual acknowledgement as I passed by.

Once we got outside, I told T, "I think those ladies think we're gay."  He looked at me, but didn't say anything.

Then it hit me.  Straight guys don't go out together for ice cream!!!  

We laughed all the way back to the car.

Morning Coffee Part 2

I woke up with a start this morning.  I am not sure what it was that jarred me from sleep.  The sun was starting to come up and the room was starting to get light.  

"Good Morning" I said as I laid back down, reaching over to your side of the bed.  You were not there.

I sat up in bed and looked around.  Your clothes were hanging on the rocking chair in the corner of my room.  I could see your car keys on the dresser, so I knew you were still here.

"T?  Where are you?"

You didn't answer.

I got up out of bed and looked into the bathroom.  No T.  I Opened the door into the hall way.  I could see a light on down stairs and could smell coffee brewing.  

I make my way down the stairs.  I had not bothered to get dressed.  As I reached the bottom, I could hear something moving around in the kitchen.  Silently I came to the kitchen door and finally I found you.

I cough softly.  You look over and me and smile.  Set down your coffee cup, walk over to me, and wrap me in your embrace.  I close my eyes and melt into your arms.  I feel warm, safe and loved.    I wanted to stay like that forever.  You hold me a long time, until you suddenly swear and and push me away.

I open my eyes, puzzled at your sudden reaction.  My nose tells me what's happening as you rush to rescue the eggs burning on the stove.

Hey!  A guy can dream, right?

Just Like Home

Last night I was at K's house with the kids.  Her and AJ were out for dinner.  My older boys were playing X-box in the other room and I was watching "WipeOut" with my younger kids.  

T was with his family.  He has finished work and they all go the church together on Saturday evenings.  After church he sent me a text.  

"Hi honey!  I'm home!"  

Oh, if he only knew how much I long to hear him say that for real when "home" for us is the same place.

Anyway, as I sat there with the kids, I thought about the previous Wednesday night when T had come to my house to spend the night.  We went out for dinner and when we returned to my house, he went up stairs to take a shower.  I had washed the sheets on my bed and I had to get them out the dryer.

When I got upstairs he had finished his shower.  He was standing naked at the sink brushing his teeth (Yes, he keeps a toothbrush at my house.)  T looks a lot like this guy, so I could not help but stop and stare.  Taking in the beauty of his body.

What made that a meaningful moment for me was not the naked man hanging out in my bathroom.  It was the feeling that, at that moment, everything was as it should be.  Everyone was where they belonged.  My love was with me. We were not doing anything extraordinary, but for me it was magic.

I mean, let's face it. Most couples who live together are not having sex all the time.  They are doing regular things that make life happen.  Even most of the time when they are naked, they are engaged in personal grooming, not sex.  Just like here.  He was cleaning up from his day at work.  I was making the bed.  

It was all very normal.  

It was all very ordinary.

But for me...

...it was extraordinary.  

It was wonderful.  

It was magic.

Coffee For Two... or Three

Last night my daughter spent the night at my house.  She was up early, woke me up and asked to go out for donuts.   Well, sure.   I don't eat donuts but I really like Dunkin Donut's coffee.  (I know, I am one of the few gay guys who is not drawn to Starbucks like a moth to a flame.)

She was not going to wait for me to take a shower so I put on a baseball cap and we got in the car.  When we got there, the place was empty and we could have walked right up to the counter and ordered.  Of course, she spent so much time at the drink cooler picking what she wanted, a whole line of people formed.  I didn't mind really.  I was just happy spending time with my little girl.

As she was making her selection, these 2 guys walked in and got in line in front of us.  They were older guys, over 65 if I had to guess.  While they were not "acting gay" my gaydar went off anyway.  I was sure they were together.  

Even before that, I was wishing that T was there with me and my daughter at the coffee shop.  Actually when ever I am anywhere I find myself wishing he was there will me.   But seeing these two guys in there together, made me think of him even more.  I think it would be nice for us to get up on a Sunday morning and head out for coffee together.  Not that we could not make coffee at home, but there is something about going there together.  Sitting at the table and chatting while we sip our coffee and prepare for the rest of the day.

Don't misunderstand.  The time together with my daughter was priceless and I would never trade that.  For now, it would be nice to merge that time, like other families do.  When she is grown, we (T and I) will have that for ourselves.

Nude Group

I don't think I mentioned that I attended a meeting of a MeetUp group for gay dads.  (Not "daddies", gay men with kids.)  I can talk more about that later.  But one of the guys there told me about a nude men's discussion group he attends on occasion.  Me and another guy at the meeting were interested in going.

This is not a sex group.  These are nudists.  They have a topic each week they discuss for the first hour.  Then, they have a dinner.  Everyone brings something and they hang around, eat, drink and talk... naked.  He told me the age range of the group was 40 to 70 and and the men were of varying fitness levels.  He also said there was a hard rule (no pun intended) that no sex is allowed at any time.  No one touches anyone else.  When the occasional erection happens, nude etiquette says to cover it up until it goes away. (I am not exactly sure how they do that.  Maybe with the required towel for sitting.) 

I sounded interesting to me and I have never been to anything that is nudist related.  I have always wanted to and this seemed like the perfect opportunity to try it out.  I was looking forward to it and I mentioned it to T.

"You want to go where?" he said.  

He was not thrilled about the idea.  We talked about it and at the end he told me to do what I want.  I could tell he was not happy about it.  I am sure he didn't understand why I felt the need to hang out with other naked guys.

I was still resolved to go, it was something I have always wanted  to do, but now I was having some doubts. K happened to stop over my house to look through some boxes she had left there.  I told her about my dilemma.

"You want to go where?" she asked.

She said a bunch of other stuff too and ended with, "Have you completely lost your mind?"  

"But I have never done anything like this before, and I..."  I said.

She cut me off, "Well, you've never shot up heroin before either.  Is that next?" 

I was not exactly sure what to say to that.  While I didn't really see the connection between hardcore drug use and nudity,  I was thinking about this group in a different way now.  

At the end of the day, I decided not to go.  While I am curious about the whole nudist thing, I am not curious enough.  T and I just got back together,  and I really don't want to do anything to upset him.  I was also taken off guard by K's negative reaction so maybe this was not such a good idea in the first place.

So Tuesday night, instead of being at the nude group meeting, I will be with the kids, while K has volleyball tryouts. 

The Youth Ministor

When T and I were broken up, I answered a Craigslist ad from a 23 year old guy who said he wanted something more.  He was looking for a "mature" man and did not want to head directly to the sack.  I thought it sounded interesting so I wrote to him.

He wrote back to me and we started talking.  Well, talking through text, but that's still talking, right?   I found out a lot of things about him including that he works as a Youth Minister for a church about a mile from my house.  Let's call him Paul.  He actually lives in a house that is provided by the church.  He is deeply in the closet and is not out to anyone.  Not family.  Not friends.  

Last week we met for lunch at a local bakery.  They have good sandwiches and a a tres-leches cake to die for.

He is a nice guy.  He is a little taller than me and on the heavy side.  He had a warm smile.  You know the kind that immediately make you feel comfortable?  Thats probably why he is successful working in the church.  Even if I did not know, I would have guessed he was gay.  Can't put my finger on exactly what would have tipped me off, but there was something.


At the time of this meeting, T and I had gotten back together.  I told Paul that when I first contacted him, T and I had broken up but we're now back together.  If he was interested in talking and friendship, I would be happy to do that, but it would go no further.  Paul was OK with that.

We ordered food and sat next to the window.  We had a wide ranging conversation.  We talked about my coming out journey.  We talked about his, including the difficulties of being gay and being called to the ministry at the the same time.  He was having trouble meeting people.  The guys his age all just want to jump into bed and he is hoping for something more.  He eventually wanted to get married and have a family of his own.  Then he said, "Maybe I'll just stop being gay."

I stopped chewing and looked at him.  I felt bad for him.  When I was young, all the gay guys were in the closet.  I know 5 other guys from my high school who are out now, and were all in the closet in high school.  For me it was bad, but since I did not see people coming out, I didn't really know anything else.  But for him, he sees people his age coming out all over the place, but because of his career choice, he can't.  That must make it even harder.

"You know you can't do that, right?"  I asked him.

He looked back at me.

"You can choose to be celibate if you want to, but you cannot stop being gay."

I went on to tell the story of how I tried to do exactly the same thing and how it eventually turned out.   

I think he understood my experience and deep down I think he knows that he cannot will himself straight. 

In the end, he smiled, gave me a hug and we parted ways.  We have not had the chance to meet in person, but he and I still exchange text messages frequently.  I think he is glad to have found someone he can talk to, who accepts him for who he is and does not want to get into his pants.

Star Gazing

Last night I stayed up way too late.  I wanted to see the meteor shower but it was not supposed to ready it's peak until early morning.  I knew if I went to sleep there was no way I was going to get up at 4:30 to see it.  I went outside several times in my backyard.  I had set up chairs so I could put my feet up and look directly at the Orion.  While the stars were beautiful, I didn't see any meteors.  I might have seen 2 fait ones, but it's also possible it was just my eyes playing tricks.  

It was pretty cold and probably should have been more bundled up.  I was also getting tired and I did not want to fall asleep outside in the backyard.  I was afraid I'd freeze to death.  I ended up going to bed around 4:00.

As I was staring at the stars, you can guess where my mind was.  To my love, who was warmly snug in his bed at home.  His long work week had caught up with him and he fell asleep early last night.  I kept thinking how much he would have liked being outside with me.  (On the other hand, maybe not.  He is not very tolerant of the cold.)

Over the past two weeks, I have spoken to several friends who are familiar with the situation between T and me.  They were supportive when we broke up and said it was probably for the best.  When I told them we got back together, neither of them were surprised.  Both said they knew they it was going to happen, and that they were glad to see us together.

I had no idea I was that predictable.  

Not Alone Tonight

I took this picture of myself last night.  It was not easy to get my iPhone to stick to the ceiling and get the pose just right...  

Most of the time I sleep alone.  I don't like it, but I guess I am getting used to it.  

I am not sleeping alone tonight.  Today is Wednesday and T will be coming after work to my house.  I am going to make dinner for him, though I don't know exactly what that will be yet.  All he has asked for is that I have the bread he likes.  I can do that.

We have been watching the "Amazing Race" together.  The new season started a few week ago, and we are a week behind, but it's all safely on the DVR.  I look forward to that each time he comes.  I know it's a simple and maybe even boring thing to most people.  It means the world to me.  It's something we can share together.  I don't watch the episodes without him.  

After dinner we will curl up together in my bed, turn off the lights and watch together.  Last week we had a few snack.  He likes a little something salty and a little something sweet after dinner.  To show how much I love him, I let him eat chips in my bed.  He was very careful not to get crumbs under the covers.  :)

Last week it was not so hard for him to come, because he had not been in a while.  This week will be harder.  I think he will get more crap and I will have to support him.  Like all couples we will have challenges to deal with.  Our's are different from most couple, but I'll bet most gay couple face different challenges than straight couples.  The important thing is that we will face the challenges together.   

Clearing the Decks

There were two guys I was talking to when T and I got ourselves back together.  One was a Chinese guy  (pictured here) who was older than me but looked younger.  The other was a white guy about my age but looked older.

I actually had plans to meet the Chinese tonight.

Last night after I got the kids to bed over at K's house, I came home and sent an email to each of them.  To the white guy I told him he seemed like a nice guy, but I was getting back together with my ex-boyfriend so I would not be able to meet hm.  I hoped he had not felt misled.  He sent me back a nice reply thanking me for letting him know and wishing T and I luck on our relationship.

I had been talking to the Chinese guy via email much more so I wanted to write him a slightly different massage.  If T and I had not gotten back, I think there could have been a real possibility that he and I could have gotten along really well.  In his email he said many of the things I wanted to hear, even the things that most guys might not have liked.  Anyway, I told him the truth.  I had not expected that T and I would be able to come back together, but we did.  I hoped he did not feel misled.  I also told him that while I would not pursue a sexual or romantic relationship with him, if he still wanted to get to know me as friends, I would like that.  (I told T about this in advance.)  I figured since I had not actually met him, there was no harm. 

It took longer to hear back from him, but I he did reply.  He thought it would be best to cancel our date for tonight, and he wanted to continue talking before we met in person.  I was glad he still wanted to talk.

Last night I also told K that T and I were back together.  She gave me... the look... I told her that it was OK.  Things were not going to be the same.  There was no chance to talk to her about it last night, so invited her out for a coffee the next morning.

This morning I met her at a local Dunkin Donuts, we each got an iced coffee and sat outside.  I told her the story of my lunch with T from the day before.  I told her about the tears and the anger and the drama.  Then I told her about T's change of heart and the love and the....  Well, I didn't tell her about that, but I did tell her we spent a couple hours at my house...alone...naked....

I was surprised at how positive she was.  I thought she might be skeptical that T would be really willing to follow through given the discomfort that we could be causing his mother.  I thought she might wonder if he would lose his nerve and then we would find ourselves right back in the same place.  But she didn't.  She was happy for me.  She was happy for him too (since she knows I am quite a catch...).  

I have been getting text messages from T all day.  Many more than usual.  I know that he is swamped at work with patients back up in the waiting room for up to 3 hours to see him.  But he found the time to think about me and let me know.

As I write this I am sitting in my house alone, but I do not feel lonely.  I will not see him this weekend.  His sister is visiting from California.  She does not visit often and because of work he has not had much time to spend with her.  Also, K and AJ want to have some time too.  AJ was away for 2 weeks in China for business.  I told K that I would keep the kids so she could have some much needed time with her husband.  Aren't I swell?

So with the extra time to myself I am going to spend some time on the treadmill and dust off my Vietnamese language learning program and get started on that.  For real this time.

Reunited

Someone predicted this would happen.  I didn't.  T didn't either.  But it happened.

I am not going to get into all the details now.  I may explain more about how this happened later, but for now let me say this:

T and I had been broken up for 4 weeks.  We continued to talk and text most every day.  We talked often about how much we love each other.  We talked about how happy we made each other.  And invariably, we would talk about the problem.  T's family does not accept me as his boyfriend, nor do that accept our relationship.  

Yesterday was my birthday and he invited me out to lunch to celebrate.  There was an unnatural awkwardness about our meeting.  It was if we were both trying to figure out how to act in this "new normal"    I was going to meet someone new the next day and while I know T was not happy about it, he encouraged me to go.  

"No matter how much we love each other it will always come back to this point." he told me today.  When I looked at him, he told me, "It's over."

After lunch we talked for a while in the parking lot in his car.  He was clearly upset.  He wanted to hold me one more time before I was gone.  I told him I didn't want to go and if he loved me as much as he says he does, I did not understand how he could let me go.  

That upset him worse.  "I don't want to let you go." he sobbed.  I was angry.

We talked more.

Then we went back to my house.  By the time we got there.  He had changed his mind.  He would work to be with me.  He would push harder for his family to accept us.  He would make a better effort to be with me more, even if his parents did not fully approve.

And most importantly, to me anyway, is he agreed to tell his parents he loves me.  He agreed to tell them what makes him happy.  He agreed to tell them that I make him happy and he wants to be with me.

I have no doubt he will do these things.  He promised he would and he will be true to his word.

We will have a life together.  It will not be tomorrow.  It will not be this year, but it will happen.  We may face some push back from this family, but I will be there, at his side the whole time.  We will face it together.  There is light at the end of my previously dark tunnel.

Right now I am happy beyond words.  T is too. 

The man of my dreams I going to make my dreams come true.

Dating and Healthy Relationships

So, it has been a week and the online dating things is not going very well.  I wrote a good profile.  I lied about my weight (just kidding) and posted a picture that I have been told is "adorable".  I even paid for a membership at Match.com.  I can see that people are reading my profile, or at least clicking on it. but so far the only one who has written is a 65 year old man who was wishing me luck in finding someone special.  

I have written to a crapload of people.  I even took the time to write individual messages tailored to include elements from their profile so it seemed more personal.  So far, only one person wrote me back and I can already tell that it going no where.

And this is only the first week.

(T, on the other hand, put up a profile on another site and his mailbox is packed with men who want to hang out with him...)

------------------------------------------------

On another note, I have been thinking a lot about, my feelings for T and our situation.  I had a long talk with K about it.  She thinks it's a good thing that T and I have broken up.  Not that she dislikes T, but she knows I was getting frustrated, there was no improvement in sight and she wants to see me happy.  

During the course of the conversation we got to the fact that I really have no friends.  I have her and the kids and I have T.  That's pretty much it.  I have never had a lot of friends, but I have never has his few.  I am taking steps to fix that, but that's another blog post.

As a partner, T is PERFECT for me.  He really is on so many levels, except for one thing.  It's a big thing, but other than that, he's perfect.  I have no doubt that I would be happy with him forever.  

So accepting that premise and accepting that we were (and still are) deeply in love with each other, I asked the question, "If I had a more healthy circle of friends, would I have been better able to deal with the situation between T and I?"

I mean if all I have is K, the kids, and T, that is not healthy.  Normal people have lots of friends.  People they can call and chit chat about stuff.  Grab a beer of shoot pool.  Someone to call when you need to bring your car to the shop or move a couch.  I don't have that.  So what did my life look like?  

Work (mostly alone).
Hang out with the kids and K.  
Go visit with T.  
Sleep alone.

That's it.  Is it any wonder that I was lonely all the time.  Is there any wonder why the thought of him not being able to live with me for years if ever, was so upsetting.  I have no other relationships.

I tend to be introverted, but with friends I am extroverted (seems weird, but that's how I am).  I need to have people in my life.  I need to have interaction with people.  I thrive on it.  If 
I don't have it and it is stressful.

So then I come back to T.  If I had more friends, could I tolerate his situation better?  Could I better wait the time it would take for his family to come around and accept me?  And when I felt the most stress, did I change something in my life that was good, because I did not see that another part of my life was more badly broken than I thought.  Did I break up with T because I don't have many friends?

I really do love T with all my heart.  It has been 2 weeks and I am just as much in love with him as I was before.  I don't know if going back to that relationship is smart.  I don't know if he would take me back anyway.  We have broken up several times.  I am sure he would feel jerked around.  I would.

I hope I did not let go of a man who truly loves me for the wrong reason.

Fear of Rejection

I think everyone has a fear of rejection at some level.  Some have it more than others.  I have it bad.

I think it is a leftover from when I was bullied in my school days.  I'm not going into it now, but what I endured was WAY more that the average kid deals with and it it lasted much longer.  But this is not a post about bullying.

Since I am newly single and entering the dating world, I have created online profiles on 2 different sites.  One of them I have even given money too.  So far I am not getting may hits.  I have written to several people and only one has written back, and I'm pretty sure it's going nowhere.  Why not?

Well, for starters no one seems to want to date an overweight, balding, middle aged guy.  They all say they are interested in the man "inside" but that is just bullshit people say.  Saying "I'm shallow and will probably judge you solely on your looks" is not very attractive when you write it down.  So even though I am a great guy and if people,especially will talk to me they like me, they don't talk to me.  I get rejected before they ever meet me.

I know this will take some time.  I didn't really expect men were going to line up at my door.  It would sure make me feel better if a few guys were interested.

----------------------------------

On another note, T and I are transitioning from being boyfriends to being friends.  I have not seen him since the night we broke up, but we talk most every day, at least for a little while.  We still text alot, but I have noticed not as much as before.

He has been supportive and encouraging about me putting myself out and meeting people.  I'm sure it is not easy for him.  Any easier than it is for me, anyway.  He could be very negative about it.  He could be upset at me for being displayed disloyal.  We could have a whole range of ugliness, but we don't.

I am going to see him this weekend.  It is his niece's birthday and she is throwing herself a party.  It will be mostly family, I assume, but she invited me too.  T wants me to go as well.  After the party I will go back to his house and hang out there for a while.

K thinks I am stupid for going there.  Stupider still for talking to him every day.  She thinks I need to separate myself from him for a while.  To allow time for each of us to get over the other.  I'm not sure that's necessary.  I don't love T any less than I did before, but I know we are doing the right thing.

Had I stuck out the relationship longer, maybe a year or more, the break up might have been ugly as my frustration grew.  It might have grown into resentment over time.  We stopped before it reached that point.  While I am still sad for the way it turned out, I am not angry or bitter.

For his part, I don't think T is either. He is still swamped with work, but I'm sure he is already cruising for casual sex at night.  (I'm kidding!!!). Seriously though, he has been supportive and has encouraged me when I am feeling down.  I am grateful for the support he has always given me, even when it was difficult for him.

But Dad, I Don’t Want To Be Gay

Some of the blow back from being a gay dad is starting to have an impact.  More accurately, the blow back from being the son of a gay dad is starting to have an impact.

Two weekends ago, when T was at my house for the weekend, we wanted to take my kids out for dinner.  We usually do this when he visits and generally the kids are excited about it.  My kids really like him. We all could not fit in one car, my middle son immediately said he wanted to ride with T.  This time was no exception, well, except for my oldest.  He didn't want to go.  Both K and I agreed he should come for this family event.  At the time, I just thought he was not happy about being pulled away from his X-box.  It turned out there was something else going on.

It occurred to K that maybe he was not thrilled about going to dinner with his dad and his boyfriend.  I mean, for a kid his age, it's embarrassing enough to be seen with your family in public, but if it's clear to everyone that dad's a homo, then it's that much worse.  She told me about her concern and thought she should talk to him about.  She didn't think he would talk to me so she was going to do it herself.  I agreed.

A few days later, K and I talked about it.  Here are the bullets:

*  He is concerned that I am trying to be gay.
*  He is getting crap from some kids at school calling him gay because he does not have a girlfriend. 
*  He is worried that because I am gay, he might be gay too.

It was very stressful to hear that.  K assured me she told him that people are born gay.  God does not make mistakes and He made some people gay. She also told him that me being gay has nothing to do with him.  If he was gay, he would probably know it by now.  He said he wasn't, he likes girls.

She said when they were done talking, he seemed to feel better.  This happened two weeks ago.

Tonight he mentioned while I, and others, were there that somebody his "friends" were calling him gay.  K and I both told him it does not matter what they call him.  He knows he is not gay and nothing else really matters.  The friends giving him crap are not his friends, they are douche bags. 

Hopefully, he will not resent me for being gay.  While I know I have always been gay, from his perspective one day I changed from being a normal dad, with a normal family, to a gay dad who caused the family to break up.

Very stressful.

I Felt Like I Was Cheating

Last night I had a date.

I met this guy,  let's call him, well... actually never mind, it does not matter what we call him.  This guy was on Craigslist and his ad said he was looking for more than hook up. He said he wanted to really get to know someone and try to make a connection.  It sounded interesting so I wrote to him.  I got a reply the next morning and a few emails later I was taking a total stranger to dinner.

I met him at his condo in the city.  He lives in a 7 story building in a nicer area with a gated parking garage.  He gave me the code to the building and I took the elevator to his apartment. I knocked on the door and was greeted by a large black man with a nice smile.  His face showed his age, (he is about my age), but he was not unattractive While he was friendly enough,  I got the impression I just woken him from a nap. He offered me a drink, which I politely declined.  I asked him to pick a place for dinner and he picked a burger bar across town.  He offered to drive and since I didn't know where to go anyway, I agreed.

He has one of those 2-seater Mercedes with roof that folds into the trunk.  I'm sure that impresses some guys.  The night air was cool and dry so driving with the top down was kind of nice.  We made some meaningless small talk as he drove.  

Once we finally got to the restaurant, I asked that we be seated outside in their patio.  Apparently, that patio (the restaurant had 3 of them) was reserved for the gay people.  At the next table there were 2 guys and it took me about 0.3 seconds to determine this was a gay couple.  I smiled and looked over at T as I sat down.  Of course, it was not T sitting across the table, it was this other guy.  My smile faded.

As we sat there, I found myself enjoying the conversation.  We got beyond small talk and it became more meaningful. Dinner was good and when the bill came, I paid and we left.  When got back to his building, he invited me inside.  I almost didn't go, but he said there was a patio on the roof with a great view of the city skyline.  So I agreed.  This time I accepted the drink he offered.  A lemon martini. It was very strong, but not too bad.  

The view from the roof was breathtaking. Well, not Grand Canyon breathtaking, but it was really nice.  We talked some more.  We talked about his family and mine.  He told me about some of his old boyfriends and I listened. I told him I had just ended a long term relationship. I declined to offer additional details.  I didn't want to get into it with him.  He didn't ask, preferring talk about himself anyway.

He finished his drink, mine was half gone and he asked if I wanted to go back inside.  I agreed and we went in.  It was past 11:00 at this point and he asked what I wanted to do next.  I knew what he meant and I had had my fill.  He was nice and all, but I was not going to get naked with him.  I know that goes against some homo code, but I didn't care.  I wanted to go home.  I wanted to get naked but not with him.

We gave each other hugs and said how much fun we had.  We agreed to do it again, without planning a date.  

With that, I left and headed for my car. For most of the way home, I could not hold back my tears.

So goes my first swim in the gay dating pool.

Yeah. I'm a Nice Guy.

If anyone is not sure if I am a nice guy or not, consider this:

I left work today to rescue my ex-wife's new husband's daughter, who ran out of gas because he forgot to fill her tank.

Maybe I should put that on my dating profile...

All You Need Is Love?

You all know what I want more than anything.  I loved being married and I want kind of a partnership again.  I want to be with my partner all the time.  I want to come home to him every night.  I want to have to separate our socks on laundry day.  I want to make dinner for him and for him to make dinner for me.  I want to have to check with him before I accept an invitation to a party or make a large purchase. I want to get in bed at the end of the day each night and talk about our day as we drift off to sleep.  I want to make up in the night and see him laying next to me. I want to go grocery shopping with him. I want him to be so connected to me that when either of us goes somewhere alone, people ask where the other is. I want to wake up every morning next to him.  I want him to be involved with my family and I want to be involved with his.  I want him to be my husband.

I want to share all of my life with my partner.

You know I love T.  I love him with all my heart.  I am deeply IN love with him.  My love for him is unconditional and permanent.  I know his love for me is the same.  I am a lucky man to have a man love me the way he does.  I've lost some hair since I've know him.  I put on some weight (and lost some) in the time I have known him and he loves me just the same.

I don't want just any man to be my partner.  I want T and no other.  I want the man I love above all others.

You know that T and I do not live together.  T lives with his elderly parents and two younger sisters and that is not likely to change. His parents are old fashioned and while they accept him as gay, and they (sort of) accept me as his boyfriend (even thought they don't talk about it).  His sisters have their own issues and he cannot bear to see then left alone. He does not like to see my alone either, but not quite as much.

So where does that leave me? I spend a good deal of time with my kids at K's house, but when that is over I head home back to my house... Alone.  I eat a snack alone.  I fold my laundry, without having to separate  socks.  I put on MSNBC because I want to.  I don't have to admit it's okay because I am there alone. 

The is not alone. He has dinner with his family.  The talk about the day they had.  They talk about the garden or the problem with the landscaper.   They tell jokes to each other and laugh together at the funny ones.  The work together to clear the table. After dinner the spread out and each do their own thing, but they are still all together.

I know this family togetherness does not replace the his desire to be with the man he loves.  I know in his heart, T wants the same thing I want.  The problem is, if he is together with me, it would upset his whole family apple cart. He's just not willing to do that.  Being with me would simply turn his whole world upside down.  It would impact his whole family.  He is not willing to do that for me.

Maybe it is not fair for me to ask that.  It probably isn't.  Especially when you consider that in his very first email communication, the VERY first one, he told me he could not ever live with anyone.   Over the years he has been consistent and clear. Every time I whined about it, he told me that he could not promise to be with me.  He told me over and over again.  Get each time I allowed myself to believe, that my love would change him.  I dreamed that his love for me would overcome the fear he had of upsetting his family.

But lately, as I have been spending more and more time alone, I am starting to see that, he is not going to change.  He is not going to be with me.  As much as we love each other, in order for us to stay a couple, I will have to get used to being alone.  I am not sure that I can do that.  The more lonely I get, the more frustrated I feel.  I could do it for a while. I could do it if I knew there was light at the end of the tunnel. But I have no idea how long the tunnel is

T is very perceptive.  He has noticed my frustration.

On Thursday, After texting back and forth for a while, I decided that I needed to see him. I drove down to his house.  It was late, with me arriving about 10:00.  We both knew what was going to happen.  Neither of were happy about it.  He met me at the door with a huge and a kiss.  We went up to his room and and sat on his bed.  We held each other. We cried.  We sobbed.  We blew noses and wiped our eyes.

"Is this then end of us?" he asked me.

We both knew the answer.  I was offering him a life with me and he was unable to accept it. We promised each other we would remain part of each others lives.

I will never stop loving him, but I just cannot stand to be alone most of the time forever. 

So, What's next?  I really don't know.  I read how some of my fellow bloggers have trouble in the gay dating world and I am not eager to deal with that.  I am older, fatter, and balder that I think most guys would be attracted to.  Hell, I'm not attracted to guys who look like me.

I really don't know what to do next.  I am scared.  I'm still lonely.