Getting the message, going slow,

So over the past few days I have heard one message loud and clear. Many of my blogger friends agree, I have to move out to move on and the sooner the better.

I'm not ready to do that just yet. I can see the day, I think it will be soon (relatively speaking) that I will be able to, but I just don't want to rush it. I have to first find a place. K & I need to figure out how the tell the kids. From their perspective, it will come out of the blue. I just think to suddenly have daddy live somewhere else one day, is not good.

It seems that many guys do not immediately come out to their kids. My kids have a 8 year span from the oldest to the youngest. The older ones might be able to understand "gay" but I doubt the younger ones will. I guess I'm getting ahead of myself.

K works most of the day Sunday's and weekday evenings in the fall. I have not seen much of her in the past 2 days, but the interactions we have had, have boon pleasant. We have not re-visited my moving out or our other issues since Friday night. I'm glad we still have other things to talk about besides all gay all the time.

Confusion with some Clarity

I did not have time to feel bad yesterday.

In the morning K, the younger kids, and I went to look at a farm. She would like to have a mini farm where she can keep a couple of horses. Of course we are having problems selling our house, which we have to do first.

When we got back K decided that she was fed up with the mess in the garage. We spent the next few hours cleaning, sorting and moving. I took a load of stuff to our storage unit. Son 3 and I took a bigger load of stuff to the town recycling center.

When it was all done, I took everyone to Outback for dinner. We used to go there a lot, but now with 4 kids, it just cost too much. Kids were well behaved and we had a good time. We ordered too much food and brought a lot home. Lunch for today!! By this time it was after 8:00, we stopped at Blockbuster for a movie for the kids. We sent them upstairs and we had some adult time (no, not THAT kind of adult time).

She took a bath and I took a shower to wash off the sludge from the work we did today. We still share a bed and frequently rub her back before we go to sleep. She like it and it gives us quiet time to talk about the events of the day. After a day of avoiding our "issues" she asked, "So what's going on with you?"

I knew the questions was coming, but I was not looking forward to it.

We talked about a lot of things. About how I love her much more than a friend, but not the same way she loves me or the way a husband should love his wife. We talked about not being able to make everyone (including ourselves) happy. I told her I can do things for myself but that would make the people I care about miserable. Or I can do things that make others happy, while slowly wither on the inside.

As we talked she asked me a question I was not ready for, "What does your heart tell you is the right thing to do?"

At first it struck me a strange question. After I had time to think about it, I came to realize I have been ignoring my heart most of my life. I ignored and denied my sexuality and my attractions since I was a kid. How can I start listening to my heart now when I have been spending my life tell it, it's wrong. My heart told me I was gay a long time ago, but brain said no way. {stupid brain}

As I thought more, I thought the parts of my life that feel comfortable and the parts that don't. I love, LOVE being a dad. I love my kids and I love having my family together. This includes K too. I was gone for over a week with kids by myself and it was not the same without her. But I still feel a longing to have a man by my side. A man who loves me and wants to share my life, and share his life with me. I guess the family feels good, the husband part is feeling more and more uncomfortable.

In the end, it feels like we are moving closer to the time when I will have to move out of the house so each of us can move on. I'm not really sure I want to move on, but I probably need to. We both do.

Sixteen years ago today K and got married.

I have had a good life with her over the years. What is in store for me now? For her? For our kids?

I'm not sure this is a happy anniversary. It's a little uncomfortable. I am trying to take her out on tomorrow night. It's a day late, but she works in the evening during the week. If we can find a babysitter, we will be all set.

We always have a good time when we are together (which is why all this is so frakking difficult) and it should be fun. I have to find something for us to do.

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This morning I had a melt down. Despair, loneliness, sadness, fear, and guilt combined with the stress I have at work and the fact that my car is giving me difficulties, all came crashing down around my head. I had a routine doctor's appt. this morning, and I suppose it taking 3 stabs for them to dram blood did not help.

I am not the kind of guy who is very emotional, but this morning I came unglued. I could not stop sobbing. At the same time K and I were exchanging text messages so she knew how I was feeling. She said we would work it all out together, but sometimes I don't see how.

A long time ago...

Sixteen years ago tonight, K and I were in Miami. We had traveled there to get married on a cruise ship and then sail on our honeymoon. It was really a trip of a life time and we had a great time. We went down a day early because for the wedding we had to board the ship by noon the next day.

We stayed in a fancy hotel by the ocean and it was great.

The next we boarded the ship, lost our travelers checks, got married, attended lifeboat drill in our wedding clothes, found the travelers checks, and had a great time. We still talk about that as being one of the best vacations we ever had.

As we approach this anniversary, it's makes me a little sad that it will probably be the last one (or the next to the last one). The date will always be a special date for me (and her I hope).

Move out? WHAT??

A comment on a post I wrote has made me think about some stuff.

It's not going to be easy for you, the actual moving out, but in my experience you can't actually move forward until you do move out.

I have to move out? Just thinking about it makes my chest feel tight and my mind starts to swirl. I have been with K for a long time. I have always been there with her. I have always been there with the kids. Every day, except for temporary absences like business trips and such. How can I live somewhere else?

AAAAAHHHHHHHH!

K made a comment the other night about the things that would make her life less stressful. I don't remember the exact words, but it definitely involved my absence from the home.

I can't imagine living by myself. The last time I lived alone, I was in college. My senior year I had a single room. Before that, I was living with my parents (which I guess is not really alone). That was a long time ago. {sigh} How do you adapt to that. How do the kids adapt? I can see that if I lived on my own I would be be home all the time. K has a job that is mostly nights and weekends so I would be needed there (not babysitting, parenting). I would also be there a lot, because I like her, I like the kids and I like being around them.

I suppose that this is something I will have to deal with sooner or later, but I think that is something I want to push down the road some. I probably shouldn't, but I'm gonna.

More gays than you can shake a stick at

So today was the second day back at work from vacation. Ugh!! I have a pretty good job with a good company that while it is not making as much money as they want in this down economy, but it is still turning a profit. I guess I can't complain that much.

My boss is gay. He is more than a few years older than me. He was married and has one child from that marriage. He has been with his partner for 24 years. I have met his partner and while they have mannerisms that might lead someone to think they are gay, they are basically a normal couple.

I have another co worker in my department, a peer, who is a lesbian. She has never been interested in being with a man, not even to fit in. She is about my age. Her partner of 15 years is somewhat older. She was married twice and has children (who are now adults). I have met her partner too. Again, a normal couple.

I guess there is hope for me... if I can ever get my shit together.

K has a friend from high school who is gay. There were close in school, but drifted apart. She has found him recently on FaceBook and they are talking again. He has been with his partner for more than a few years (not sure exactly how long) and they just bought a house. Just like a normal couple.

I have a friend from high school. We were "involved" for a while (which is another story). I recently reconnected with him (thank you FaceBook). He lives several states away with his partner of 9 years. He told me they have almost no gay friends. He and his partner hang out with straight friends. I had the chance to visit them a few months ago and what I found out was their straight "friends" seem to do it use their house as a party house. My friend from high school also turned into a coke (no not Coca-Cola) addict. While their lifestyle is not for me, they seem happy together.

So I guess 3 out of 4 gay success stories are pretty good.

What is in store for me? We'll see.

The Whiny Homo

When I started this blog, I did not intend it to be a string of whiny, my-life-is-so-awful posts. But a lot of days it seems to be the place I find myself.

I feel lost and broken. K has been waiting for a long time for me to figure myself out. She has been patient and supportive, but understandably, her patience is wearing thin. There is no question that I love her and I always will, there is also no question that I am gay. We both need to move past this one way or another.

If my straight life was not so good, I would have an easier time. My life is comfortable, predictable and I like to people in it. The problem to have that I have to pretend to be something I'm not. A normal straight guy. I have to be worried about what I say, the opinions I express and the people I am seen with. But it's comfortable, predictable and I like the people around me.

Leaving my straight life, of course, does not mean abandoning my family. I will always love and be responsible for my kids. It's a happy responsibility, I would not walk away from even if I could. I will also not abandon K. I love her and she will always remain my best friend. We will continue to be connected in a very strong way, she will alway be family to me. Even if she re-marries and has a new family, she will always be family to me.

Leaving my straight family does mean leaping into the unknown. What am I going to find? About 4 or 5 years ago I was surfing gay personal sites and meeting guys online and a few in real life (with K's permission) mostly what I found was not very inspiring. In fairness, I found a lot of guys hiding from their wives and I would filter those guys out.

Of course, there is T. I do love T and if it were not for his family attachments, I can see myself being with him long term. But I really don't think that is going to happen. His sister is not coming out of the closet and he will not leave her alone. {sigh} So do I just run headlong into the unknown?

K told me today (with some justified irritation), "You can't stay here because the unknown is scary." Of course she is right, and I know I would not be doing her any favors either.

She also told me today that she can't stay with someone who loves someone else. Of course she is right there too. She's a woman, not a security blanket. She needs to do what is right for herself, just like I need to do what it right for me. While I can intellectualize that clearly, it's a lot harder to actually do.

Back from the Woods

I am back from the woods. I had a great time time. It was exhausting and relaxing at the same time. I have the weekend to recover and get ready to return to work on Monday. This was the lake at about 6:30am on the first day. The girl sitting on the rock is my daughter.

I have has a lot of time to think about about my life and it's direction. Unfortunately, I don't think I came to any conclusions. I'll write more later today or tomorrow.

Off the Grid

I'm going to be off the grid for a while. There is no internet access where I am going. I'm not even sure my cell will work very well. I am looking forward to this time to reflect on a lot of things in my life. Where want to be seems to be the biggest things.

K told me last night, "Either you want to be here with us or your don't." That is what I need to work out because neither of us can last much longer in the limbo we are living in.

Have a good week and I may drop in from time to time.

Empty feeling

I have to start by saying that K is one of the most amazing people I know. She really is. She loves me and supports me even though... well... even though I am not the model husband.

K and I talked last night... for a long time... really late. She asked me what I want. Seems simple enough, doesn't it? It is not. She said I should make that decision for myself, without regard for how it impacts others. How lucky is that? I should be stoked. I'm not.

I'm feeling empty.

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So now I find myself at a fork in the road. What path do I take? Do I return to the life I have built with K and ignore my sexuality? Pretend to be straight? Forget the events of the past 18 months? Or do I leave my family and try to explore being gay.

Not that I would ever abandon my family, but have to believe things are never the same when one parent leaves, and it would be me leaving. K tells me she and the kids will be fine no matter what I do. She says she will support me no matter what I do. I am scared.

The life I have built is not so horrible. Yes, it's not perfect, but it's pretty good. K and I get along well, (most of the time) and we enjoy each others company. There is a part of me that craves the affection of a man. It has been with me a long time and as I get older it gets more difficult for me to ignore. Is satisfying that longing worth the disruption to everyone around me. Will I be living honestly or simply pretending?

On the other hand, living out and gay is not without risk. I have been with K for a long time and if she was not there

with me all the time, that would leave an emptiness too. Is that worth it to live honestly?

Which way and I setting a better example for my kids?

I hope I resolve these questions soon.

Who I am?

It must be so easy to be straight. You feel in your heart exactly what you are supposed to feel, what you are expected to. There is no pressure to be something you are not, even if that pressure comes from inside yourself. (And some morons think people choose to be gay.)

A new blogger friend of mine (http://mindthebear.blogspot.com) put this on his site the day he came out to his wife:

"Every time I see a couple walking together, holding hands, laughing, playing with their children, I think, "Oh God, why couldn't I be normal. Why can't I be straight and regular. Why can't I fit in and make it work out." What would I give for that? Of course I know there is nothing I can give. There is nothing to be done. I am who I am, what I am, the way I am. This is devastating."

This is how I feel many times. Why can't I be like everyone else. Why can't I just love the woman who has devoted her life to me and our family the way she wants me to love her? In a world where it is so difficult for a person to find someone who really loves them, Why can't I just be happy with that?

Is this God's idea of a joke? I'm not laughing. Most of the time I put on a happy face, but the truth is I am tired. I am tired of struggling with who I am. Tired of wanting something I should not have. Tired of hurting the one who loves me more than anyone else. I'm tired of being different. I just want to be like everyone else.

I love my wife. I love my kids. I love my family. I feel an emptiness inside that I wish was not there, but it is.

This sucks.

I can't think of a title for this posting.

Yesterday we had an open house. We cleaned like crazy people all morning. Even the kids helped. The realtor showed up at 2:00 and we all went out to lunch and then back to school shopping.

We got back to the house to discover that not only did we not get any instant offers on the house, we did not get any lookers. Damn!! We have had three open houses and so far only one person came to look at the the first one and no one at the other 2. Double damn... K is pretty discouraged.

I went out with T last night. I met him at his house and after a nice dinner we when back to his house. He has a game room with a huge TV, pool table and a Wii. We played pool for a while and then sat down and talked. T is a good guy, I love him. I think he is "partner" material, but the problem is he really does not want a partner. Well he wants one, but not if it requires really sharing his life. What he wants is a boyfriend.

His family dynamic is complex and I'm not going to get into all of it here. He is number 6 of 8 children and when he was 15 his family escaped Vietnam with essentially the clothes on their backs. He and is 2 younger sisters became very close. He and the lesbian sister went to college together and they are have always been there for each other. She is too scared to come out and too scared to look for girls she can be with. He wants a partner and even thinks I could be the one for him one day, but he will not leave his sister alone.

OK. So here I am. I love him, but we have basically ruled out the possibility of us being together. I am not saying I want to move directly from living together with K to being with him. I always figured that I needed some time to get comfortable on my own, but eventually I want a partner to share my life with. I had hope it might be him. {sigh}

Today I am going to focus on getting ready for vacation. I need it bad and I think the time on my own will help me clear my head.

Rest and Recharge in my favorite place

This is one of my most favorite places in the world. This is Fahi Pond in Embdon, Maine. My family owns a chunk of on this lake.

As a kid we would go there on family vacations. My parents and my younger sister would go and spend 2 weeks in August every year. I stopped going when I was in college, but started going again after I got married. K is not a camping kind of girl but she made a good effort and only complained a little.

Once kids came, we could take them every year for several years. It all ended when the company I was working for went out of business and I ended up taking job in North Carolina, 1,100 miles away 6 years ago.

I'M GOING BACK IN 6 DAYS!!!!!

I am so happy and I really need a vacation bad, really bad.

I'm little nervous though, I will be going with the kids... and no other adults... 1,100 miles... in a mini van. That sounds like fun, right? K will not be able to come. She has a job that she just started and she will not be able to get away. It would have been really cool if T could have come with me, but as I mentioned he owns his own business and he can't get away either. His business is growing and he things he will be able to hire some additional staff so he can take a vacation. I would love to bring him there and share with him my favorite place.

I will be up there with my sister, her husband and her 2 boys. I am hoping my parent will go too, but my father have been ill lately and he may not have recovered enough to make the trip or be that far out in the woods.

As a side note, K will not be home alone. Her friend D will be visiting while I'm gone. Before you ask, yes I'm fine with it and I hope they have a good time.

Feeling safe and guilty at the same time.

I love this picture.

A while ago I met T at his office. He owns his own business, which was closed for the day and we were there alone. He had stepped into the next room to take a call and I sat in his office chair, leaned back and put my feet up on his desk. The chair was comfy and I closed my eyes. Maybe 10 or 15 min passed (I might have dozed off) when I felt his arms encircle me from behind. He had pulled up a chair behind me and was holding me much like the guys in the picture. I can't really describe the way I felt, except to say I felt safe and secure in his embrace. We stayed like that for a long while, as he told me about his day and I told him about mine.

After a while I started to think about K and how if I was a "normal" guy I would be happy with her holding me. I know I have to let go of this, but it's really REALLY hard.

T and I are planning a trip over Labor Day weekend. We will be gone at least one night, maybe 2. I am really looking forward to that. Hopefully I will be able to clear my mind and find some peace.

Carrying the guilt

"You have to stop carrying around this guilt." That's what K's sister told me last weekend. I was chatting with her on Facebook. I carry a lot of guilt.

K has told the time to feel guilty has passed, but I do anyway. I did not choose to be gay, but I did choose everything else I did. I chose to lie to myself and convince myself I was bisexual. I chose to marry a woman, even thought I did tell her about my attraction to men. I choose to have kids and further complicate my situation. I will have to deal with the fall out.

I know K loves me, but I don't think she in "in love" with me anymore. She is not interesting in dating anyone else and she is feels sometimes like she will end up like the crazy cat lady on the Simpson's. I doubt that will happen. For one thing K is one of the most wonderful people I have ever known. She is warm and genuine. She is independent, but not distant. She likes to do things together, but she also likes having her own interests. She is understanding and accepting (as proof, she is still my best friend more than a year after coming out as gay). She can see many points of view. She is honest and direct. Like it or not you can always tell where you stand with her. I think it will be very easy for her to find someone.

If she only had a penis, she would make the perfect partner for me.

What might make it more difficult for her... is me. During the dating process when is the right time to tell a prospective boyfriend that your gay husband still lives at home. One the flip side that might be an advantage. Many single moms, when they look for a new man, are looking for men that can be a step father for their kids. K will not have to worry about that. I am their dad and I will remain their dad. Even if I sleep somewhere else, I will be there, every day, to be a parent to my kids. What's more, she will want me to keep doing that. One day we will no longer be married, but I am determined she will never be a single parent.

But there is still the guilt. I don't know how to get past it. K and I are in a relatively good place now, but that could change. She seems to be moderately OK with my boyfriend. She is not thrilled when I go out, but she says that's more about me leaving her alone with all the kids for the evening. She would be happier if T came to our house more often. Of course that opens another set of issues that I will save for another day.

One day I will want to have more than a boyfriend, I will want a partner and I think that will be very difficult for her. It will be more difficult if she does not have someone. More guilt.

How do you get past the guilt?

I can't be happy if she is miserable.

How do I get past the guilt?

Stupid Real Estate Market

K and I have decided that we cannot stay married, but neither one of us is in a big hurry to physically separate. I think there are a few reasons for that. We want to continue to make a stable family for our kids. We like each other and even if I lived somewhere else I would be over every day. There are also financial considerations. Between the 2 of us we could support a residence for me, but that would not leave a lot of money for much else.

We need to create some separation between us and the first step is separate bedrooms. Our current house does not have an extra room so we are looking for another on. Selling our house is being something of a challenge and it has been very frustrating. As you can imagine it is not easy to keep a house with 4 kids in it showing condition is easy. We could also use new carpet, which we just can't afford. K has done a lot of painting that still in not enough. We have not painted the trim (and there is a LOT of it) and every time we talk to our realtor she gives is attitude and that have K on the edge.

This frustration is on top of the stress she has having a gay husband. {sigh}

Back to normal-ish

K is back from her trip and it was really good to see her. When she sent me a text that she was close the kids were waiting outside for her to come up the street. She got quite a welcome and I think it made her feel good.

I don't this her trip went as well as she hoped, but I don't know the details. I'm sure she will fill me in tonight.

Last year she made this trip and it did not go as well as she hoped. At that time I was still very confused about who I am and I was terrified of the change involved in leaving my marriage. When she came back I begged her to give me another chance to be a good husband. A straight husband. At the time I figured I had done the straight thing for 15 years, I figured I could just keeping doing it.

Right. How hard could it be? After all she is my best friend, and always has been. I like being with her. I love my kids and I love being their dad. I figured I could deal with my "urges" with internet porn and my right hand.

The problems was I had been working my way out of the closet and even had a boyfriend, so it was not long before it was not working for either of us. She was not getting the love and affection she wanted and I still was thinking about being with a man. To make matters worse she knew I was thinking about men and that made it worse for her.

That is not happening this time. I have not gotten straighter and she has not forgotten I'm gay.

Low key but nice

My visit with T was nice but low key. We took my kids to lunch at Chilli's and then to see the new "Ice Age" movie. I was a cute movie and the kids seemed to like it. A few times I managed to hold his hand when no one was looking.

Sunday fun?

T is coming to visit. He is on the road right now. We are going to take the kids out to lunch and then to see a movie. I had wanted to take them a super cool playground at a local elementary school, but the weather is not going to cooperate with me.

I have not seen T in 2 weeks and I am very excited to see him today. We won't have any time to ourselves, but jsut being around him will be enough for me ... for now. He is really good with my kids and they like him too. I have not told the children I am gay and they do know know the nature of my relationship with T. One day I will, but the timing it not right yet. (I'll save that discussion for another day.)

I was hoping T would stay into the evening, but he has to get back home to his family tonight. I was a little disappointed to hear that, but I will roll with it. There have been plenty of times that we went out that I had to leave early. Of course the difference is that my family includes 4 kids that depend on me. His family are all adults.

He owns a large house that he bought with his sister (who is a deeply closeted lesbian), another unmarried (straight) sister, and his elderly parents. His sisters are both in their late 30's and have very well paying professional jobs, like he does. I should also mention that he is Asian and there is a large cultural influence on how his family works.

I love him very much and I can see myself spending my life with him. Because of his family dynamic, I doubt it will happen. I may say more about that later, but for now it makes me a little sad.