Sunday, August 23, 2009

The Whiny Homo

When I started this blog, I did not intend it to be a string of whiny, my-life-is-so-awful posts. But a lot of days it seems to be the place I find myself.

I feel lost and broken. K has been waiting for a long time for me to figure myself out. She has been patient and supportive, but understandably, her patience is wearing thin. There is no question that I love her and I always will, there is also no question that I am gay. We both need to move past this one way or another.

If my straight life was not so good, I would have an easier time. My life is comfortable, predictable and I like to people in it. The problem to have that I have to pretend to be something I'm not. A normal straight guy. I have to be worried about what I say, the opinions I express and the people I am seen with. But it's comfortable, predictable and I like the people around me.

Leaving my straight life, of course, does not mean abandoning my family. I will always love and be responsible for my kids. It's a happy responsibility, I would not walk away from even if I could. I will also not abandon K. I love her and she will always remain my best friend. We will continue to be connected in a very strong way, she will alway be family to me. Even if she re-marries and has a new family, she will always be family to me.

Leaving my straight family does mean leaping into the unknown. What am I going to find? About 4 or 5 years ago I was surfing gay personal sites and meeting guys online and a few in real life (with K's permission) mostly what I found was not very inspiring. In fairness, I found a lot of guys hiding from their wives and I would filter those guys out.

Of course, there is T. I do love T and if it were not for his family attachments, I can see myself being with him long term. But I really don't think that is going to happen. His sister is not coming out of the closet and he will not leave her alone. {sigh} So do I just run headlong into the unknown?

K told me today (with some justified irritation), "You can't stay here because the unknown is scary." Of course she is right, and I know I would not be doing her any favors either.

She also told me today that she can't stay with someone who loves someone else. Of course she is right there too. She's a woman, not a security blanket. She needs to do what is right for herself, just like I need to do what it right for me. While I can intellectualize that clearly, it's a lot harder to actually do.


manxxman said...

Oh my, a married gay guy, how unusual. I did that for 30+ years, my divorce has now been final for about a month. Long before we decided to complete the seperation with the legal document I moved out of our home. I was lucky, I found my man straight (well we're not straight) away and we have made a life together going on 4 years now.

It's not going to be easy for you, the actual moving out, but in my experience you can't actually move forward until you do move out.

My ex and I....will let me just say she's my best friend, always will be. It's not always easy for Geoff to understand, but accept it he does.

Stephen said...

Jim, thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment. New friends are always welcomed. I look forward to reading your blog as well. Life is never simple. Be strong.

Bear Me Out said...

Yes, it is terrifying. You can take the painful leap sooner, or spend years of dribbling out the pain and shame.

It is not your "fault" who you are.