Sunday, August 30, 2009

Confusion with some Clarity

I did not have time to feel bad yesterday.

In the morning K, the younger kids, and I went to look at a farm. She would like to have a mini farm where she can keep a couple of horses. Of course we are having problems selling our house, which we have to do first.

When we got back K decided that she was fed up with the mess in the garage. We spent the next few hours cleaning, sorting and moving. I took a load of stuff to our storage unit. Son 3 and I took a bigger load of stuff to the town recycling center.

When it was all done, I took everyone to Outback for dinner. We used to go there a lot, but now with 4 kids, it just cost too much. Kids were well behaved and we had a good time. We ordered too much food and brought a lot home. Lunch for today!! By this time it was after 8:00, we stopped at Blockbuster for a movie for the kids. We sent them upstairs and we had some adult time (no, not THAT kind of adult time).

She took a bath and I took a shower to wash off the sludge from the work we did today. We still share a bed and frequently rub her back before we go to sleep. She like it and it gives us quiet time to talk about the events of the day. After a day of avoiding our "issues" she asked, "So what's going on with you?"

I knew the questions was coming, but I was not looking forward to it.

We talked about a lot of things. About how I love her much more than a friend, but not the same way she loves me or the way a husband should love his wife. We talked about not being able to make everyone (including ourselves) happy. I told her I can do things for myself but that would make the people I care about miserable. Or I can do things that make others happy, while slowly wither on the inside.

As we talked she asked me a question I was not ready for, "What does your heart tell you is the right thing to do?"

At first it struck me a strange question. After I had time to think about it, I came to realize I have been ignoring my heart most of my life. I ignored and denied my sexuality and my attractions since I was a kid. How can I start listening to my heart now when I have been spending my life tell it, it's wrong. My heart told me I was gay a long time ago, but brain said no way. {stupid brain}

As I thought more, I thought the parts of my life that feel comfortable and the parts that don't. I love, LOVE being a dad. I love my kids and I love having my family together. This includes K too. I was gone for over a week with kids by myself and it was not the same without her. But I still feel a longing to have a man by my side. A man who loves me and wants to share my life, and share his life with me. I guess the family feels good, the husband part is feeling more and more uncomfortable.

In the end, it feels like we are moving closer to the time when I will have to move out of the house so each of us can move on. I'm not really sure I want to move on, but I probably need to. We both do.


manxxman said...

Stupid brain......will that about says it all. We fear the unknown, that's why so many people voted on Prop 8. They didn't know any gay people......hence they are unknown, hence they are feared. It's the same for you and moving on, you've not done it hence you fear it.

I love my family and I love being a father.....hell I still love my ex wife......but the part you wrote about your heart withering, oh it's so very heart has only just begun to grow again and it feels absolutely wonderful, find out for yourself.

jim said...

It's not easy and I hate change more than most people.

The funny thing is I think when the time comes, I think I will have a harder time than K will.

Trying to continue moving forward, even if slowly.

manxxman said...

Will, I was lucky. I had found Geoff before I moved he helped me in that process. But when you finally start to make gay friends (and you will need a lot of start working on this now.....and I do mean "just friends") you will see how they cope and learn how they deal.....

Start working on making those friends will make the other easier for you.