Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Empty feeling

I have to start by saying that K is one of the most amazing people I know. She really is. She loves me and supports me even though... well... even though I am not the model husband.

K and I talked last night... for a long time... really late. She asked me what I want. Seems simple enough, doesn't it? It is not. She said I should make that decision for myself, without regard for how it impacts others. How lucky is that? I should be stoked. I'm not.

I'm feeling empty.


So now I find myself at a fork in the road. What path do I take? Do I return to the life I have built with K and ignore my sexuality? Pretend to be straight? Forget the events of the past 18 months? Or do I leave my family and try to explore being gay.

Not that I would ever abandon my family, but have to believe things are never the same when one parent leaves, and it would be me leaving. K tells me she and the kids will be fine no matter what I do. She says she will support me no matter what I do. I am scared.

The life I have built is not so horrible. Yes, it's not perfect, but it's pretty good. K and I get along well, (most of the time) and we enjoy each others company. There is a part of me that craves the affection of a man. It has been with me a long time and as I get older it gets more difficult for me to ignore. Is satisfying that longing worth the disruption to everyone around me. Will I be living honestly or simply pretending?

On the other hand, living out and gay is not without risk. I have been with K for a long time and if she was not there
with me all the time, that would leave an emptiness too. Is that worth it to live honestly?

Which way and I setting a better example for my kids?

I hope I resolve these questions soon.

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