Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Carrying the guilt


"You have to stop carrying around this guilt." That's what K's sister told me last weekend. I was chatting with her on Facebook. I carry a lot of guilt.

K has told the time to feel guilty has passed, but I do anyway. I did not choose to be gay, but I did choose everything else I did. I chose to lie to myself and convince myself I was bisexual. I chose to marry a woman, even thought I did tell her about my attraction to men. I choose to have kids and further complicate my situation. I will have to deal with the fall out.

I know K loves me, but I don't think she in "in love" with me anymore. She is not interesting in dating anyone else and she is feels sometimes like she will end up like the crazy cat lady on the Simpson's. I doubt that will happen. For one thing K is one of the most wonderful people I have ever known. She is warm and genuine. She is independent, but not distant. She likes to do things together, but she also likes having her own interests. She is understanding and accepting (as proof, she is still my best friend more than a year after coming out as gay). She can see many points of view. She is honest and direct. Like it or not you can always tell where you stand with her. I think it will be very easy for her to find someone.

If she only had a penis, she would make the perfect partner for me.

What might make it more difficult for her... is me. During the dating process when is the right time to tell a prospective boyfriend that your gay husband still lives at home. One the flip side that might be an advantage. Many single moms, when they look for a new man, are looking for men that can be a step father for their kids. K will not have to worry about that. I am their dad and I will remain their dad. Even if I sleep somewhere else, I will be there, every day, to be a parent to my kids. What's more, she will want me to keep doing that. One day we will no longer be married, but I am determined she will never be a single parent.

But there is still the guilt. I don't know how to get past it. K and I are in a relatively good place now, but that could change. She seems to be moderately OK with my boyfriend. She is not thrilled when I go out, but she says that's more about me leaving her alone with all the kids for the evening. She would be happier if T came to our house more often. Of course that opens another set of issues that I will save for another day.

One day I will want to have more than a boyfriend, I will want a partner and I think that will be very difficult for her. It will be more difficult if she does not have someone. More guilt.

How do you get past the guilt?

I can't be happy if she is miserable.

How do I get past the guilt?

1 comment:

Bear Me Out said...

Jim, I've being reading your blog. Been there, done that. I'd love to chat with you sometime.

I was married 22 years, two children. I have lots of thoughts, but no "answers".

You and K are brave and courageous to face the truth.

Drop me a line: beartoast@gmail.com
http://mindthebear.blogspot.com