Monday, August 10, 2009

Who I am?


It must be so easy to be straight. You feel in your heart exactly what you are supposed to feel, what you are expected to. There is no pressure to be something you are not, even if that pressure comes from inside yourself. (And some morons think people choose to be gay.)

A new blogger friend of mine (http://mindthebear.blogspot.com) put this on his site the day he came out to his wife:
"Every time I see a couple walking together, holding hands, laughing, playing with their children, I think, "Oh God, why couldn't I be normal. Why can't I be straight and regular. Why can't I fit in and make it work out." What would I give for that? Of course I know there is nothing I can give. There is nothing to be done. I am who I am, what I am, the way I am. This is devastating."

This is how I feel many times. Why can't I be like everyone else. Why can't I just love the woman who has devoted her life to me and our family the way she wants me to love her? In a world where it is so difficult for a person to find someone who really loves them, Why can't I just be happy with that?

Is this God's idea of a joke? I'm not laughing. Most of the time I put on a happy face, but the truth is I am tired. I am tired of struggling with who I am. Tired of wanting something I should not have. Tired of hurting the one who loves me more than anyone else. I'm tired of being different. I just want to be like everyone else.

I love my wife. I love my kids. I love my family. I feel an emptiness inside that I wish was not there, but it is.

This sucks.

2 comments:

Joe said...

I haven't blogged on this aspect yet, but I think it is fairly common. I still visit there regularly.... and I still would give anything to be "normal" and to feel these things I am supposed to feel... and it all began with recognizing that emptiness that is really there when I try to be "straight"

Bear Me Out said...

Every choice is also a renunciation.

We cannot choose who we are. We can choose how we live who we are.

And, there are many "right" answers, not just one.

I pray that you will find what seems best for you.

And, I am honored to be quoted!