Sunday, November 15, 2009

Alone in a Crowd

Sometimes I feel alone even with other people, lots of other people around.

I was at church this morning with K and the kids. After the service there was a BBQ lunch. There must have been a hundred people, most of them families. Kids, parents, grandparents al together. Even though I was there with K and my kids I felt alone. I was also jealous of all the straight people, secure in who they are and fully accepted by those around them. It never occurred to any of these people to pretend to be something other that exactly what they are.

Yes, I know that everyone has a part of themselves that they do not share, but this is different. Hiding the basics of who you are from everyone, even yourself is a lonely road. Even denying the core of who you are. None of these happy church people know anything about that. They can't even start to understand it.

It's not their fault, of course. They naturally are exactly what everyone expects them to be. They did not struggle. They have always felt what those around them have felt, just as it was meant to be.


I talked to my therapist last week about how I chose not to be gay. Thinking it was all about behavior (sex with other guys) i just figured I could choose not to do it, like any other behavior. I chose not to smoke. That decision is one that I still subscribe to and it has worked out great. I chose not to be gay. That did not work out as well. I could not turn off the yearning in my heart to love and be loved by a man.

Kids today are not as likely to do that as I was 20 years ago. There was no internet then, no blogs, no gay community centers. Just teachers telling you that men who have sex with other men get AIDS (which was new then) and since there is no cure, they die from it. Yikes!!!

If I had access to the information I have today, I know I would have made a different choice. I would not have married a straight woman. I may not have come out in high school, but probably in college. I would have looked for a gay man that I could love. But...

If that had happened, I would be out some stuff too. I would be out one best friend (K), 4 kids, and man who does truly love me (T).

K tells me all the time that everything happens for a reason. Maybe all this was part of God's plan from the beginning.



manxxman said...

Oh I understand the "sigh" and I feel for you.......

RB said...

Don't beat yourself up over this. Times are completely different now. Even in the last ten years, things have changed drastically.

I've been through the same thought pattern as you. Why did I make the choices I did? When I really thought hard about it, I made the best choice at the time. Things could have been alot worse had I taken another path.

Can you change those past decisions? No, you can't. So don't dwell on them. Don't beat yourself up over it. Do the best you can going forward.