Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Storm Systems Converging

It is getting worse here.

I have been delusional, fooling myself. I am very good at that. Very practiced. I have been fooling myself for 30 years.

When I was 17 or 18 I refused to be gay. I refused to accept any scenario where I would not be with a woman.

Up until last night, I was doing it again. I simply refused to accept any scenario where K and I did not end up being good friends. Last night I came face to face with my delusion.

"How do you think that will work?" she asked. I hadn't really thought about it, but I had known in my gut it would.

I thought we would always be a family. Nope. K and kids would be a family. Me and the kids will be a family, but her and I will no longer be a family. I mean I knew that our status would change, but I assumed that we would always be close, that we would alway support each other. That we would parent the kids together.

She thinks that would be confusing for the kids. She thinks that every time they see her and I together that they will be hoping that we will get back together. When we don't she says that will be confusing and cruel. I don't think so. While they may not all understand "gay" they all have friends with divorced parents. They all know that is when the parents do not live together. I think that if the kids see that we still love them and we are still supportive of each other, they will be just fine, after the initial shock of daddy not living there anymore.

It was not a good night last night. We were both up late and it was very emotional.

All day at work I found it hard to concentrate on my work. It was difficult to do anything.

I hope this starts to get better soon. I am not like the lighthouse. I cannot take the forever pounding of the sea. I guess sooner or later the lighthouse will eventually surrender o the sea. I hope this gets better before I have to surrender.


Anonymous said...

My wife, whose anger has led me to a go very slow approach to all of this, said to me that things have to get worse before they can get better. Let her be angry - she probably needs to work through that before you can really be 'best friends' again.

Joe said...

One day Jesus said to his disciples, “Let’s cross to the other side of the lake.” So they got into a boat and started out. As they sailed across, Jesus settled down for a nap. But soon a fierce storm came down on the lake. The boat was filling with water, and they were in real danger. The disciples went and woke him up, shouting, “Master, Master, we’re going to drown!”

When Jesus woke up, he rebuked the wind and the raging waves. Suddenly the storm stopped and all was calm. Then he asked them, “Where is your faith?”

Jim. It is a real storm, there are real waves. The danger is there and seems overwhelming, even as your boat fills with water.

And ON YOUR OWN.... your boat will fill and will sink; your lighthouse will fail. But you are not on your own.

This is hard. The anger is real.

But there is peace in the midst of the storm....

THere is a hand to calm the waves and still the storm. And it is not a mythological creature from the ether realm. It is in the hadns and feet of those of us who have walked this path before.

Peace, be still. Know that the storm will pass. And you will survive.

emerging identity

manxxman said...

Let her be angry......let her work that part of it out. A time table on her anger.....I can't give you one but but assured that it will spend itself......and the idea of both of you raising the children as friends will re-emerge.

Bear Me Out said...

Yes, she will be angry. You may become friends again, but not right away. Let go.

We aren't in control. Trust that there is One who is.

Yes, it will confuse the children. They may be more confused now.