I have been delusional, fooling myself. I am very good at that. Very practiced. I have been fooling myself for 30 years.
When I was 17 or 18 I refused to be gay. I refused to accept any scenario where I would not be with a woman.
Up until last night, I was doing it again. I simply refused to accept any scenario where K and I did not end up being good friends. Last night I came face to face with my delusion.
"How do you think that will work?" she asked. I hadn't really thought about it, but I had known in my gut it would.
I thought we would always be a family. Nope. K and kids would be a family. Me and the kids will be a family, but her and I will no longer be a family. I mean I knew that our status would change, but I assumed that we would always be close, that we would alway support each other. That we would parent the kids together.
She thinks that would be confusing for the kids. She thinks that every time they see her and I together that they will be hoping that we will get back together. When we don't she says that will be confusing and cruel. I don't think so. While they may not all understand "gay" they all have friends with divorced parents. They all know that is when the parents do not live together. I think that if the kids see that we still love them and we are still supportive of each other, they will be just fine, after the initial shock of daddy not living there anymore.
It was not a good night last night. We were both up late and it was very emotional.
All day at work I found it hard to concentrate on my work. It was difficult to do anything.
I hope this starts to get better soon. I am not like the lighthouse. I cannot take the forever pounding of the sea. I guess sooner or later the lighthouse will eventually surrender o the sea. I hope this gets better before I have to surrender.