Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Steps. Forward? Backward?

So there are steps being taken, but it is not where I expected I would be.

I am not moving out. At least not right away. K and I are talking about stuff we have not talked about much before. I'm not going into much of it, but suffice it to say we are talking about the sources and effects of her pain and anger. On my side, I am talking about why I have done the things I have done over the years and how I felt about her and other things over the years.

I have been telling her about how I feel alone and out of place all the time and I have since I was a kid. I suspect a lot of gay men can identify with me on this.

I do not have a lot of friends. I have some, but most of them don't really know me. I am afraid to make new friends because I know I have to be careful of what I say, who I am looking at and feelings I express. I feel out of place. K works at a church and she like it when we all go to service on Sunday morning. I don't mind going. The people there are nice to me, but they don't know I am keeping, what in their eyes, is a terrible secret. I'm gay.

I have a hard time getting friendly with any of them because I know they would not be so friendly if they knew. I am an outsider. They don't treat me that way, but it IS that way, because I am hiding who I am.

I don't know if K gets that or not. I know she tries. I am tired of hiding. I am tired of pretending. I am slowing dying inside and I need to break free.

I have said before that at some point in my late teens I simply refused to be gay. Convinced it would go away eventually if I only behaved straight. Find the right woman and everything would be just fine. (Fake it until you make it.) Of course that only worked for a while.

I love K very much and I thought she would be the one that would change me, thought did not think of exactly in those terms at the time. So I pulled her into my deception. I was fooling myself and now I was fooling her too. That worked for a while too. But did it?

We took a cruise for out honeymoon. It was a lot of fun. On the first day we met another couple our age that was getting married in St. Thomas, one of the islands where the ship was stopping. They were really nice and fun to hang around with. I have forgotten their names but the guy was SMOKING HOT. I could not get enough of being around him. I was on my freaking honeymoon, I had been married about 6 or 7 hours and I was already checking out the cute boys on the ship. While I acted straight on the trip and told myself over and over I was not gay, I could not take my eyes off this hunk sitting across the table.

Looking back, I guess acting straight does not make you straight.


I am hopeful that tomorrow will bring some positive moves. I K is meeting with a therapist who has personal experience being a straight spouse with a gay husband. This may be the person K needs to talk to that will be able to understand her problems. I am hoping she will get some good advice that she can use.

She is also going to talk to the paster of the church in the morning. She is not sure how much of the story she is going to tell him, but at least he is going to know there is no joy in Muddville. K is a little worried that if the church finds out that she could get fired. I told he I hoped not, plus she is not the gay one, I am. It's probably me they won't want to see again.

Cross your fingers.


Joe said...

praying for you


RB said...

This is such a familiar story. The fact is you are where you are, and now you need to make the best of it. Look at the blessings in your life -- four children at the top of the list.

So many guys are in your same situation...and I just wish there was some win-win-win solution for everyone here.